Hiya Gorgeous!
As wellness seekers, we’re constantly looking for ways to find harmony on our plates, in our bodies and throughout our lives. Yet sometimes, that harmony comes from making tough decisions about our relationships. Some folks boost our energy reserves. Others drain us dry.
In reality, we each have choices. We get to decide who we allow into our inner sanctum (the space where our spirits replenish, our hearts open and our being renews). Not everyone deserves an all-access pass. That’s why today’s post is a meditation on moving on. Gracefully ending a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you might just be what the doctor ordered.
Life has a much bigger plan for you.
Happiness is part of that plan. Health is part of that plan. Stability is part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
While I’m not a breakup expert, I’ve done it many times, and it’s been done to me. Friends, boyfriends, fiancés (yes, I’ve had a few), work relationships, family members—you name it, it’s fallen apart. It’s often more comfortable to stay in the broken places rather than risk the glorious (and terrifying) unknown. There are countless rational excuses that keep us stuck. One of my favorites: timing. “This is the worst time to make a change. I’m too busy, too tired, too broke, too needy, too not-enough.”
But, there’s another side to this story—the one that takes your well-being into account. Is it ever a good time to stuff your feelings and soldier on? To exhaust yourself mentally and physically? Is it ever a good time to operate from a place of shame or guilt? Or, continually repeat the same behavior that created the problems in the first place? Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Let’s get brave and tell the truth.
Start by observing the thoughts running through your head. How do you honestly feel about the person in question? When I find myself in a pain cave, I crack open my journal for some good old scribble therapy. I write, uncover, release, write, cry, write, rage, write, sigh, write, nap… write. Try it. Ask yourself any of the following sample questions and then write freely. Do your best to stay open and receive. After you’ve gotten it all out, sit back and reflect on your words. Guess what? Your soul said that—loud and clear. Really take it in. You may need to do this exercise for weeks or months before you’re ready to say sayonara.
Questions to ponder:
- Is the pain too great to stay the same?
- Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
- Do I need a translator to be heard?
- Is it impossible to make boundaries?
- Am I the only one that is willing to meet in the middle?
- Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
- Does this relationship take more energy than it gives?
- Is blaming and complaining getting really old?
- Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
- If it’s a romantic relationship, are the sparks dead—end of story?
- Do I smile when I want to yell, and then yell at the wrong people?
- Is the only thing holding me back my fear of newness?
- Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
- Does this person make me feel like I’m lost without them?
- Do I find myself missing the old me?
- And so on…
If you find yourself nodding “yes” to any of the questions above, you might be in a toxic relationship.
How to say Goodbye to Toxic Relationships
Deciding to end a toxic relationship might not be the same as actually leaving or creating boundaries (physical or emotional). The more entangled you are, the more logistics might have to be worked out. It’s OK to take your time and plan the exit and the next phase.
I’ve found that the hardest relationships to get out of are the ones that are the most dysfunctional.
The stress definitely takes its toll. That’s why you might need some help. Seek guidance from a coach, therapist (here’s a resource to help you find one) or a really grounded friend—the kind who loves you unconditionally and isn’t afraid to help snap you back to reality. If you fear for your safety in any way, please consider seeking support from the resources below.
Remember that no matter what’s going on, you are not alone.
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
Whether I’ve had a breakup pit crew or gone solo, the best outcomes have always started from a place of honesty and humility.
Zero BS. Zero finger pointing. Zero manipulation. And, no last digs. I apologize when needed and try to recall what was once wonderful. There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.
Is it always this clean? Nope. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a red hot temper! In my 47 years, there’s been broken dishes, shattered hearts and some serious soul searching. In some cases, I wish I had more compassion and better communication skills. In others, I wish I’d gotten out sooner. Clearly, it’s not always simple. But these days when my bones tell me to pack my bags, I listen.
Grief is good. Feel it. Heal it.
Will your life really fall apart when you move on from a toxic relationship? Maybe. Mine has several times. And, maybe that’s exactly what it takes to build the life you were meant to live. For the most part, it’s rarely that dramatic.
Remember the real you beneath your fear. If you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You are resilient. Awesome. Inspiring. Worth it. Spectacular. Creative. Funny. Kind. Strong.
If this post resonates with you, but you’re not ready to change, just let these words swim around and wake up your consciousness. That’s more than enough.
What’s on the other side of change?
Relief, freedom, authenticity, true love, nourishing relationships (with yourself and others), fresh starts and smarter beginnings. Follow your true north. The coordinates on your internal compass read like this: Honor your uniqueness, listen to your heart, appreciate your rhythm, know and be loyal to yourself. When we follow those directions, it’s easy to understand if it’s time to take a turn in a new direction.
Your turn: Have you ended a toxic relationship or one that no longer serves you? Share your story to inspire others and so that we can support you! Sometimes, hearing about someone else’s courage helps us overcome our own fears. Let’s get real in the comments below.
Peace & bag packing,
I have just said Goodbye to a relationship with a Toxic man … this was my last text to him ” I can no longer continue with this …. but I say Goodbye to You with Love” …. it is so empowering to be able to walk away from someone with Love and Forgiveness in your Heart ….
I Believe I Was In A Toxic Relationship Evey Week My Bf Would Break Up With Me Every Week. It Wore Me Out Mental. It Could The Smallest Things He Has Own Apt I Have My Place. Now He Told Me zhe Wants Too See Others Ladies. Now Am Free From The Drama. My Life Mind And Body
Great content and ideas that every couple or in a relationship can refer through.
My story lasted more then ten years. I’m a lot older then him and I’m sure it had a lot to do with the problems we faced and there were many. He was physically and mentally abusive at first. I was probably mentally abusive to him if i,m going to be completely honest. There was a lot of game playing. Some of it was even kind of fun at the time but it runs it,s course. He was in and out of jail and when he was out he was on probation of which never lasted and so he was always absconding from the law. I would help him out, he,d turn himself in and the whole cycle would start again. It became exhausting and sad. Then he ended up leaving me for someone else but he always ran back to me and I always took him back. It started to make me look stupid and ugly as he became more blatant. I let it get really bad before I finally said no more. I hope you dont let it get this out of hand before you say no more.
This is what I needed to hear to keep on trucking through this separation. Every now and then, like withdrawals from drugs, I experience a bone aching loneliness and I long for my tormentor. Then I go through those questions above, through my head. Suddenly, I’m less lonely and realize that I miss the idea of him and most definitely not him. My word of advice: if your here, reading these comments like I would have years ago…..take it as a hint that something isn’t quite right. Talk to someone and get some perspective but NEVER ignore your gut. (If it doesn’t feel right, remember that you deserve for it to feel right).
I mean, I’m not gonna lie…I’m scared to absolute death. But…and it’s a big BUT…..emotionally speaking..the odds are in my favor. I can take this chance that i have been fighting for and get out; OR stay here and let our daughter learn how she could be treated one day. Struggle with anxiety, depression, and a metric shit ton of other issues; every day for the rest of my natural life. It’s a no brainer. I would rather be single with a shit ton of cats.
My husband and I first started dating when he was 18years old and I was 22. When I first saw him, I knew we were going to be married. We got engaged and 2 years later, we broke up. 10years past and we reconnected. After 7 years of being in a toxic marriage, we’re finally calling it quits. I’ve gone through so much to keep our marriage together and so has he, but it’s not working out. So many things have produced a huge wedge between us, my husband and I cannot fix. It hurts so badly and I’m not sure how I’ll feel June 23rd, the big D-Day. I love my husband but it’s not enough to sustain a marriage.
Feeling empty
Stupid
And used
And to top it off confused
Why would a person who loves you share so much of your relationship with an ex and tell them so much about how they love them and miss them and will wait for as long as is needed to be together with that person? He says it’s about money she owes? He’s playing a role on her? So what makes me different is he playing a role with me too? Help
I mean he is with me everyday but sneeks off to send those messages??
We recommend that you find a therapist that may be able to help you work through your feelings around this relationship so that you can be healthy and happy! You are worth taking care of! <3
So…what if I’m not sure who the problem is? I mean…sometimes I really think maybe it’s me but then I Google and read and obsess about trying to figure out how or why he might so or say things to me.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now and it has been pretty dysfunctional from the start. I didn’t know it at the time but I was later told that I was love bombed by him and I ended up cheating on my ex with my current boyfriend and laughing my ex for him. Yes I realize that is an issue all on itself and I have been coming to terms with it this whole time and realizing how terrible that was of me.
My boyfriend has major trust issues already and because he thinks that I cheated on him with my ex-boyfriend because he would call me and tell me that he was thinking about hurting himself or whatever I would talk to him. Never anything else nothing sexual he did hug me and kiss me which I was uncomfortable with at that time and there was no romantic feeling on my end. I really believed he was going to hurt himself and was just trying to offer him an ear. Saying that out loud makes me feel very manipulated by him and that’s just a whole nother issue that I want to try to work out for myself. So for the last few years my boyfriend has consistently called me a cheater and a liar and he has called me a w****b**** and pretty much everything else under the sun. I have two older children who are now both legal adults one of which still lives at home and is in school but my son moved out.
Today there was an issue with my daughter not wanting to clean her room before she left the house but I told her she had to so she went back up to her room to clean it and she dropped something that knocked over a few other things on her vanity and my boyfriend yelled up to her and she yelled back and said that she didn’t throw anything and then I had to stop what I was doing and go tell her to not be throwing things or whatever and we had a little spat and I told her she couldn’t yell back at him because I do believe that that’s disrespectful for her talk back to someone who is in my eyes at my level to her.
Since this all happened I have been screamed at called a b**** he said my daughter was being a little b**** and he took his two younger kids and left the house and is telling me to leave because I yelled at him for saying that about her or to her. I know that this is toxic but I don’t know if it is my fault as a whole. There are so many other ins and outs to our relationship but this is what it is at this juncture and I am confused and scared and worried and upset.
It’s hard to come to the realization that things may have to be over, for our well being but when you Bebe tried everything to communicate and can get no where but reeling, boxed in, blamed and shamed for having brought up what bothered you. What else is there to do, when every concern is unvalidated because the person cares more about upholding his own character then validate your feelings, what else can you do, when every conversation will have a deflection and before you know it, you know idea, what how you got this conversation or why. When they could have choose to work through it with you but instead, made you feel like you had to believe them or you were judging their character, I would say there is no resolve. It’s at the point of emotional well being at risk. They know what they are doing to hide their true self at cost, just sucks when your the one with so much empathy and sadly they are not. I have tried to express myself with valid reasons only to have them dismissed and twisted to where the conversation spins way out of control and somehow now turns on to me, to take the light of the original subject intended, before you know it,, your exhausted and now feel there will never be a point to communicating any real validating conversations with this person and is something is ever a concern, it will not be worked out together, you will be left holding the bag, borer they empty any honesty out of their bags. I think it’s at that point you say goodbye, or else it will only continue and you will be left being treated the same if not worse.
I’m in a relationship where I’m treated like… A slave. The whip is her tongue slicing my heart with hateful words. I do it her way or no way like a spineless fool. But I’m a sucker I guess. I always just want her back I let her back. She even blames me. I block her and she finds ways to reach me. She says I always worm my way back in through friendship but it’s not true. She is so definite and final when she decides something. But she sure likes spending my money. I’m the best when I do what she wants and I’m a pos she hates me etc. When she decides to get angry. It hurts and it’s tiring. And I’ve had outs… I have. But I always come back when she lets me. Why!? Can anyone help me with some advice.
I’ll try to make this as short as possible. Basically my ex broke up with me twice. He lied a lot to me about small things and manipulated me. He would tell me stories then tell me them again but left something huge out or lied. I would talk to him about it and then he said he cant tell me anything because I hold stuff against him.
An example would be him saying his ex was blocked, by his choice, then saying he spoke to her about something. I brought this up later and he said he never said that and im making things up. Or when we had unprotected sex and he said omg i never did that before thats how I know your special. Then months later hes telling me stories about his exes and that he didnt use protection… thats all I would be upset about is him lying. I never accused him of doing something. I would just bring up what was said.
He told me about how all of his relationships went and that they were never enough. He played on my emotions and I knew this and saw red flags from the beginning, but ignored them. He tried to turn me against my family and gaslighted me. He always said im not trying hard enough and I asked him what his needs and wants are. He said he shouldn’t have to tell me and that I should know. I told him I cant read your mind and you should tell me how you need to be loved because im trying hard.
When he came back the second time he cried and said hes sorry and that he knows I love him and that he needs to accept the love I was giving him and said everyone loves different and hes sorry and we should work on things. I agreed. I already had trust issues with him because in the beginning of our relationship the first time around, he agreed to be sexually exclusive, then went out of town and I found condoms in his bag while getting him his toothpaste. He said he never knew what would happen while he was out of town and wanted to be safe.
This whole thing has lasted a year. He broke up with me out of anger a few weeks ago and ignored me for a few days. He said we should meet and talk. We met and he cried and told me he wants us to work on things and that he doesn’t want anyone else but me. & that he hates that he keeps breaking up with me, but he gets angry. He said we have to find the problems we have and he said he wants to feel more included in my life and ask him stuff before I make decisions. He Brought up when I bought a new macbook for school and he was mad I didnt ask him to help me. He always said im always hanging out with my sister and he would like to be invited to run errands or do stuff with me. I told him I just dont like the little white lies. He finally said he lied about being sexually exclusive (the whole condom situation) the first time around and i felt a huge emotional release. Thats all I wanted to hear. He always said he never lies and is an open book, but he lied to me and never said he lied and made excuses. I needed that from him.
We continue to speak and hang out. Things were going good. A week after our talk he went to cali to hang with his friends. He texted me after he got back and said hes moving across the us for a new position in his same company. I was hurt! I knew he didnt like living here, as hes not from here and we would talk about me moving with him. But he just suddenly said hes moving in a month and is super cold and distant towards me.
I feel like I am being left behind and that nothing he said ever mattered before he got the job offer while in cali. I am distraught and he doesnt want to have an in person conversation for some reason. I am respecting his wishes but it is tearing me up inside! I am so confused and hurt i cant even explain this. my therapist said he is manipulating me and emotionally abusing me and I knew that. My family told me too but he hooked me in so good that my feelings for him are strong and I am still ignoring reality. Idk how to move in from this. He said wed work on things then say hes moving and is so withdrawn from me. It hurts
Hey! This was a beautiful, brave post! Hallmark of caring, too, by listing outreach sources for help in times of need. Keeping oneself safe in tumultuous times is self care and love. Especially if you don’t have someone immediately to reach out to.
Try to stay out of harms’s way. I’ve made some poor choices in life for which I’m dealing with years later. Like, I’m starting from the beginning and I am scared.
You’ll know, either through the help of a trusted therapist and your own heart when it’s time for a major change. Having a “no drama zone” provides some peace. If making boundaries for yourself, start there. Blaming and yelling does not solve anything, either.
Just take good care and know that you are worthy of having healthy relationships. Even if it’s with just yourself in the beginning!
With love and hugs and gratitude …
Karen W. ????????✨
Oh man toxic not even close try caustic yeah 15 years couples are supposed to thrive and grow well this one didn’t it just kept going down down down I just can’t understand how somebody can love someone so so much and after all said and done you can not stand to be around that person I don’t like to use the word (hate) but I’m sorry but I do hate her isn’t it when you are a couple it’s the two of you agenst the world not against each other dosent it take 2 incomes to make it in today’s world well I have been trying to get her to leave for the past I 5 year’s ç be
Is there anyway to talk with anyone outside this post where it can’t be seen by anyone. Sometimes you can google a name and it will show something you’ve posted and this is a delicate issue with me as this man left me 22 years ago and still today I’m devastated. It’s not getting better for me. I would love to talk with the author of this article or anyone
Hi Rebecca, I’m so sorry to hear that you are still feeling devastated about this. You can definitely reach out to those who are more equipped to help you. Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/) has great therapist resources for you to get started. You are worth taking care of and healing!
So I totally blocked the guy I’ve been dating for a yr coz I realized thay he’s just using me for sex. And I feel so powerful and free although there are times when I grieve over it and felt guilty for leaving him without a proper goodbye. But I know this is for the best and everything will be okay
I really want to thank you for taking the time to write this article. It help me a lot I’m really struggling right now I know I’m in a toxic relationship I love them very much but it’s so unequal and I hate walking on egg shells all the time. I want so much to ask for my needs and wants but it seems like it was just fall on deaf ears. Promises are very easy to be made in the heat of the moment when everything’s going good things don’t feel right with this person like they seem like they have some kind of alter reality that are not who they say they are. That’s very scary for me too. It is very therapeutic writing this down because I’m watching myself and reading what I wrote. I never in a million years thought I would be the one in this kind of relationship I’m such a strong person I guess I just lost my balance at one point and never got it back. I guess we all hope that magically that other person will say all the things that we want to hear and become the person that we want but I know it’s not gonna happen and it makes me really sad because I invested quite a few years in this don’t get me wrong they have done some pretty wonderful things it’s just the bad is outweighing the good now and I know that means it’s time.
Hey Lisa, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy and it sounds like you know the next steps to make yourself happy and keep your beautiful self safe. If you feel getting professional help would be beneficial, we have had a lot of success recommending Psychology Today’s website. Tapping could be an incredible resource as well as you navigate what can help you feel better. These apps are also incredible in stressful times. I’d also like to recommend some of Kris’s beautiful affirmations that will remind you how wonderful you are as well as her brand new “Bad Day Survival Kit” post which is terrific. Oh, and she’s also got a great free Pep Talk Meditation on her freebies page. Take some time for yourself (ideas here). You are beautiful and perfect just as you are, Lisa, please always remember that (and trust your intuition). We’re all rooting for you! Xo.
My romantic partner constantly blames me for numerous things. It can be presence of my other male friends, imagining me ignoring him, doing slightly better at work, me asking him to commit, making him wait for 5 minutes, not introducing him immediately to everyone around me… the list is seems endless. And after each fight he says that he needs space for weeks or months while blaming me of being too emotional. I am 29 and do not smoke, drink or do drugs. He even kicked me out of our bedroom stating that he doesn’t want me too close. At the same time he wants me involved in this relation saying that every relationship is different. Recently he said that he feels suffocated with me yet wants me to be with me. I feel trapped as I don’t know what to do. Breaking up will certainly break me and staying is a constant struggle.
Hey Shea, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I just wanted to let you know that we’re all sending you lots of love. It might help to reach out to a professional who can help you sort out staying versus leaving. We always recommend Psychology Today as a great place to see what options you have. We hope you find some peace, sweet friend. Xo.
I am fresh out of a semi toxic relationship. I debate back and forth on it being toxic every day. I met a man online, who cat fished me, but we had a strong connection, good conversation, and laughter. So I stayed. I also think it was a huge part to just have someone there with me, as I recently separated from my husband of 10 years. He continued to lie, big and small for a year, and I always forgave.
He would say things that would make me feel like utter shit. I would feel so little, yet still attached or almost addicted to his attention. I dont no when that started, but it did. I only wanted to talk to him, and if he heard I was hanging out with other people he would blow up my phone. He could never admit he was wrong, and always pushed what he believed on me. To the point I got tired of just sharing my opinion all together.
About a week ago I decided I needed to get out. And I did. Not sure if this is considered a toxic relationship, but am I crazy to still want him in my life. Even as just friends, I cant stop thinking about him, us, is it only because I’m lonely in a new town, and have no friends, or did I view our relationship wrong. I’m so lost, confused, broken
Hey Melissa, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. You are a strong and powerful person, we are so impressed you decided to get out and you did. That’s so incredibly tough, please give yourself a big hug from us and round of applause. You deserve it, no one deserves to be treated poorly. Keep your head held high and know it will get better in time. Xo.
Toxic woman – 3.6 years…..at first….she was great….found out she was married and separated…..almost left and should have!!…found out she was separated for over 3 years back then…..she said she would file for divorce…non-contested….she had packet in 2016 after she asked me to do them…..she did not file them….2017…nothing….2018…nothing….told her I could not be with her in a one -sided relationship and that there really is no relationship with her status….she would always say she was single and could do anything she wanted…..told her that was a joke and that I would start fading away from her….she said she would file them and told me she did in March 2019…..got tired of her lies……bread crumbing and she kept asking for financial help when I helped her get better jobs…and helped build her credit but I refused to help her out with money….she lived in her house with her 2 kids and I lived in my Apartment with my daughter and she would not commit to me…back me and I had to listen to others through the grapevine that she was telling all I was her husband…what a shock and joke she was!!!…..and in August 2019 I found out she never did file….dumped her…..cold….she did not deserve any real talk…..she tried crawling back in September and I cut her off and blocked her on all social media and blocked her phone number……she was the most fake and smooth manipulator ever…..I am so glad I dumped her cold…..she was a snake and liar….and I was a fool thinking she would do the right thing…..never felt so good and happy….
Hello, I’m a man and I’ve read through your questions to ponder, they resonate with me. I came across your page by accident, while in search of guidance for how to handle someone who I am in love with but threatens to end everything when issues are posed for discussion. The issues aren’t black and white and they are and aren’t associated with critical core issues. They are usually based in miscommunication. I was searching for what to do or how to handle the threat of relationship termination, but then a reconciliation and justification of going relationship nuclear because of fear and based on her personal fears. I haven’t been 100% perfect in this relationship, but I have learned to humble myself and own my crap and make amends for it (apology). Now, my apologies are being attacked and vetted for genuineness. The scene typically goes through an evolution like this: issue comes to light / attempt to talk / shutdown, stonewalling, disconnect / if I press here it goes nuclear quick / if I pause and deliver space, nuclear is delayed and sometimes avoided / then talk, I find out where I was wrong or out of line / then if I defend it typically goes nuclear / if I accept her reality and apologize through attempts to diffuse and get back to harmony this seems to work, but I often feel empty or void of being understood, many times I’m left with a feeling of: the discord we experience is my fault, I’m consistently what’s wrong in this relationship, the only way to diffuse the nuclear is for me to own and apologize, it often feels like a beat down session. I am a self aware man who operates and is sensitive across the lines of gender roles, I read my bible everyday and use those messages to help strengthen resiliency for myself and our relationship, I’m far from perfect and know at this age (50), I have my baggage but keep it in my field of view as a guardrail. When it’s good, it’s great, but sometimes nuclear. I write this post after a “session” yesterday, where we finally reconciled and I was overcome with emotions and sobbed for 20 – 30 minutes in her presence. I feel the eggshells on the floor, I see warning signs, but, I love her and have a huge responsibility commitment to her through our vows and sense of duty and honor to her, us and our children. We all have a past, but look forward to a future, the conveyor belt to there is the here and now. Just looking for some perspective here and insight. Thank you – All the best.
This is the letter I decided to write to my ex. It’s about freeing myself and loving myself today!
I have decided to free myself from this dysfunctional relationship. I deserve better I understand that you have circumstances and situations that won’t allow you to be fully involved in a relationship and I’ve excepted that. I deserve to feel loved I deserve someone that will communicate with me I deserve someone that will make me feel special at all times and not feel like second! I looked back at our six-year relationship and there were good times but mostly bad times. The broken promises, the non-communication and that “I’ll call you back in a minute”. How about we’ve been together for six years and I have never step foot in your apartment? Just let me know when you want to come and get your keys that you gave me. I will gladly leave them in the grill on the back porch. I realize one thing about myself, I am very angry and that causes me to always lash out and be negative towards my friends and my family simply because I’m not happy with my relationship. I need to heal, I need to give myself self love and I need to free myself from being that person.
We are truly on total opposite ends when it comes to a relationship. I remember, just recently when I asked you “what did we call this that we were doing “ referring to our relationship with each other and you didn’t give me an answer. Chris I can’t do this anymore and I won’t!! Maybe in the future when things get right with the both of us we can be just friends. Take care yourself because that’s what I’m gonna do! Love don’t live here anymore…..Zelda
Hi Zelda, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Self-care is so important and you get that. We are sending you so much healing energy and love and wish you all the very best as you go through this tough time. Here’s another blog Kris wrote that might be helpful too: My Crazy Sexy Self-Care Planner and 6 Self-Care Tips for the Gentle Soul. Xo!
I love you and your team. Your all like having a best friend close by that is stable and talks reasonably. Friends like you are hard to find. Just walk away, when your done your done. No justifying feelings anymore. I have left relationships but not so gracefully. I work on myself daily to keep my tone of voice in check, to try and understand others and knowing none of us are perfect. Life for me is a work in progress and I am willing to do the work because at the end of the day I know at least I tried.
Hi Kristine! What a huge compliment. Thank you so much. It sounds like you’ve got Kris’s mantra “progress, not perfection” down pat. Good for you for being open and doing the work. We are impressed and sending you a “cheers” with our green juice! ?
Merry Christmas to Miss Kris and her whole Crazy Sexy Team. I wish you all health, wealth and happiness in the exciting New Year to come,
Your Friend Forever,
Kristine
Wishes received! Thank you so much Kristine. A very Merry Christmas to you as well. ?
Hey Everyone…I am coming from the other side of all of this. I am the “toxic” person. My wife expressed the possibility of divorce and I am 100% taken by surprise. I have a good steady job, am an amazing father of 2 boys which I am 1000% involved with ie: coaching, scouts, making dinner, constantly playing with them, bed time..etc…. I don’t abuse my wife emotionally or physically…hell I’ve never raised my voice at her nor do I curse at her, belittle her or anything negative like that. I love her, our kids, and our family. I am no means perfect and need to work on things that she has expressed to me just recently. But that’s the thing, only recently has she told me the things that have been bothering her or “toxic” (I hate that word coming from my point of view) about me which are 100% fixable….drinking too much at events we are at together….I don’t drink regularly but when I do drink its too excess and then shes there making sure I/we get home ok which is not fair to her. She says I’m moody and she has to walk around egg shells around me until I snap out of it. There are many many reasons for this which would take me too long to get into but a couple are this 1. She doesn’t communicate with me (talk about this more soon) or show me affection 2. I work with high school kids all day then come home to my kids who require much of my attention while getting dinner ready, cleaning the house etc… until she gets home. A hug when she gets home would probably eliminate much of this stress, which I’VE communicated to her but no dice time and time again. How hard is a hug? She is the bill’s budgeting person which she is frustrated I am not involved enough in. She makes the appointments, gets the bday gifts for our kids friends, she definitely does A LOT. I am willing and wanting to do more and help her with more of this when but we have to communicate more about these things regularly. She is quiet by nature which is an understatement. She has 2 good friends which don’t live around us and which she hardly ever talks to. She has ZERO friends that she hangs out with weekly monthly or yearly. Therefore she has no outlet to talk to anyone about the way she’s feeling. She has a sister who is immature and doesn’t live close by who she has a good relationship with. All of her girlfriends are my friends wives. I tell her all the time to call them to get together but it never happens. In my opinion that is not healthy for her or our relarionship. She works with computers and is constantly on her phone. Introvert yes, awesome funny cute smart witty sexy person also yes. Sexually we could both do better. She goes to bed too early when I’m not ready to and has not expressed to me that she wants to have sex so I don’t go up with her. I love to have sex so that’s not the problem. Again we aren’t communicating about these things. We aren’t perfect obviously but is divorce the answer? To me absolutely not, especially when these issues have just been brought to light where we can talk about them and fix them. Her issues with me have been festering for years and she feels DONE. But how fair is that when she hasn’t told me..literally almost keeping them a secret and then BAM lets get divorced….WHAT? How bout let’s go to therapy to fix these things and if that doesn’t work we can talk about another alternative. We have started therapy and I am hopeful (cuz I have to be) but she doesn’t think its gonna work. I can’t imagine not seeing her or my kids every day. It breaks my heart and I am in tears almost every other day. There is always 3 sides to every story. I am cognizant of this when I write you my side of things. There is more to tell but I’ll stop here. Thanks for listening. I pray therapy can fix us where she can actually admit she plays a big part in all of this and that it’s not just me.
Hi there, Sam, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. We hear you and are so happy you and your wife are trying therapy. We are all big believers in getting the support and help that’s needed and it sounds like you are doing exactly that. We’re sending you and your wife so much healing energy, Sam. Xo from the whole team.
On Thanksgiving Day this year I finally had enough of my boyfriend, after 10 years of back in forth breaks ups, me moving to the other side of the U.S still trying to make it work. It wasn’t a major thing that pushed me to let go, it was again for the millionth time; him asking for something he does not give yet expects it to be given to him. I remember telling him absolutely not and NO and of course he tried to make me feel guilty; but held firm to my boundaries. He hung up on me and in habitual form I called back and he refused to answer. But the difference this time, is there was this quiet but firm voice saying “let him go and focus on you, you deserve so much more than you have been getting”. It was my intuition talking and I haven’t heard it speaking with strength in many years. It has been four days since I have spoken to him, I have detached from social media and went turned my phone completely off and have limited all communication with people verbally and physically. I must say I am feeling calmer, focused, and happier that relationship was draining beyond words. I never thought I would get to this place, but I have finally had enough and I feel no guilt or concern for not contacting him or being available to him. He had 10 years of treating me badly, in which I allowed, but no more 2020 is the year of discovery and transformation of self. I know now that I will be fine without him surprisingly since Thanksgiving he no longer invades my thoughts and when I think of him momentarily, the thought passes by like stream and I continue on with my day. Let the healing begin and let happiness in.
We are all so proud of you here at Team Crazy Sexy! Reading that you feel “feeling calmer, focused, and happier…” is just beautiful. You are onto bigger and better, my friend, and we are all cheering for you. Xo from Team Crazy Sexy. You said it best, “Let the healing begin and let happiness in.”
Thank you! When I came across you page the other night, it truly resonated with me. I knew immediately after readying other post, that I was definitely going to be okay. Yes let the healing and happiness begin. XOXO
You’ve made our day! Thank you for sharing with us and being so open. Kris will be over the moon knowing she helped in some small well. We can’t wait to see what’s next for you! Xo from the whole team.
I have been in a relationship with a man for nearly 8 years which is complicated I thought he was originally single but he said he still lived with his partner but lived separate lives , his partner then got breast cancer 6 months into the relationship I should have pulled away then but my boyfriend didn’t want that he has 3 children 2 of which has left home his son now 20 is still at home , over the years I have carried on I loved him I was constantly asking what the future held his partner recover from breast cancer but nothing happened I could count on one hand how many times he has stopped over we have talked about it time and again but he always makes excuses like he can’t sleep well so would rather be at home in his computer! Couple years ago he lost money in a job due to none payment he was struggling I bailed him out for the tune of £6,000 he then got a CCJ I again got a loan to pay this off £1,800, he is self employed and has struggled to get back on his feet . He then got in trouble with the law and went to court , the man I thought was strong, self assured , confident changed he started saying there was no point being alive he may as well end his life , a few times he would ring me saying it was all over he was going to end it , I rushed to wherever he was and got him to the doctors , his partner had now been diagnosed with secondary cancer on the lungs which is terminal I don’t now what to do .. whenever we have words he threatens ending his life day there is no point with out me , he can’t go on with out me , the trouble is he still owes me nearly £8,000 I feel so lost I just don’t know where to turn , he has had trouble getting regular work so hasn’t paid back any money , I have said I feel I need to step back and let him support his partner but he always threatens me with ending his life , please help I just don’t know what to do , I have a lot going on in my life which he doesn’t seem to be there for me and always goes on about his .
My apologies for the long email .
Many Thanks for reading
Julie
Hi Julie. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I am so happy you’ve reached out, it sounds like you need some support in this very frightening situation. Would you ever seek professional help? It’s so hard to make changes by yourself, and we all need support. We often recommend people check out Psychology Today for more info on local therapists. Please take this seriously, Julie. He isn’t going to change, it’s really up to you to change yourself – and that is no easy feat. Please believe deep down in your soul that you are absolutely worth the effort in getting into a happier place. We are all rooting for you and sending you so much love.
I was in a toxic relationship till a month back,living with a chronic alcoholic husband,who would be stone drunk all the time,not knowing its day or night,puking in bed and urinating anywhere in the bedroom,feeding him three meals a day,became a task to me,i thought of killing myself many times to end the suffering in my life,but the thought of my son wd keep me alive,he made lots of loans ,sold my jewellery,and died last month due to multi organ failure, im such a stupid person,i wanted to donate my organs to keep him alive,but that didnt happen,since he wasnt stable to be operated. Now since he is gone,im starting my life from scratch,clearing his loans,fighting for my rights and trying to create a happy life for me and my son,i know its a long road ahead,but im taking one day at a time. I wish luck and happiness for myself.
Hi Radhaa, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I am so sorry to hear all that you’ve been through. You certainly are a strong person and it sounds like you know exactly what you need to do – take one day at a time. Having a support system in place is key, and sometimes seeking professional help can do wonders. Keep in mind Psychology Today is a terrific resource to help get support if you feel that would benefit you. We wish all the luck and happiness in the world for you and the whole team is sending you love. You are a beautiful soul and we are so happy to have you here. Xo from all of us!
Remember the beginning and the end. Those two things are what you need to be aware of and never need to repeat. Never date someone who makes you feel bad. They may never have recognized what they had been doing. You got all the blame and tried really hard to keep the relationship together. I remember being in this relationship were my ex-partner laughed at the engagement ring I bought her. She laughed at it and texted her friends, while smirking and saying it was her mother. Later she said that she wanted a bigger ring and eventually said she didn’t want to get married. Yeah it hurts, though when some of us love someone; we love them blindly. I would sacrifice myself for her happiness, I now know that I can’t do that anymore. Toxic relationships will break you, and will eventually make you go crazy. Someone has to walk away, as much as it hurts. Walking away and staying away, remember unconditional love knows no selfish deed. It only know one selfless act, forgiveness.
Hi Patrick. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. You are so right about being strong and knowing when to walk away. Your comment about unconditional love also really touched our hearts. We’re happy you’re here with us, Patrick. Thank you for your wisdom. ❤
I have to begin with my daughter of 37 years.
Lived with a guy and his parents and that in itself is foolish..
In this 3 years this man destroyed my daughter.
She felt worthless. Ugly, fat, uneducated, cried all the time.. apparently beat her, and everything else you can imagine..
He distroyed a beatuiful smart young lady… He brain washed her until she had no idea what was real ..
She couldn’t leave the house she only contacted me when she could and when he found out, he beat her.. I called the police several times however because she was a grown women there is nothing they can do, and if we did get her out he would come get her when she was alone, sad to say that because she felt she should be with him.. no telling what he told her.. and he did this all in 3 years..
I have to say with all that.. he took my only daughter from me.. as in a fit of rage because she was leaving him.. He chose to be the executioner.. my only child that I made is gone because of a toxic relationship..
I do not know how to stop these evil people whom hide behind the Jesus card..
Sad thing is this jerk try to say she overdosed.. my heart goes to all people who belittle themselves for a piece of crap person on this planet…
Please people … leave when your gut says leave… Never live with anyone but yourself until you truly know what you are dealing with..
I will never see my daughter again and the whole relationship he kept her from me.. so she is gone and the last time I kissed and hugged my child was 3 years ago ..
I am only writing this to please stop these toxic jealous people.. run and please listen to your family, your friends
anyone else who agrees for you to get out!!!
Thank you for reading this..
I hope it helps someone, or a lot of someones..
Hi Wendy, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I just wanted to let you know we’re all sending so much love and healing energy to you. It sounds like you have been through the wringer and we are so very sorry to hear that. You sound like an incredible strong person and we’re glad you’re here with us. We hope your daughter can find some help soon and live a life she deserves. Please take care of yourself, Wendy. We’re all rooting for you and your daughter to be reunited soon. Xo.
I had to just disengage altogether from my alcoholic boyfriend! When I met him a year and a half ago he didn’t tell me his past until he employed. From a loving man to a person I do not recognize any longer it was shocking. With many times to rehab and failing to stop his drinking, I had to leave and save my self. I will go through a morning period because I did love him and learn to continue to move on by myself. Thank you
I need to leave my toxic on/off relationship since 2y. I’m so emotionally drained and fragile, but I need to stop and not go back. He has taken all I could give without nothing back besides his company. I am always left emotionally and physically drained. The last thing just defines it all, after 2w of listening to his hours of job search talk and fixing his resume, fixing his weekend meals since he is always drunk on weekends, fixing his life- he not even once asked how I am. Finally I sprained my ankle and was in pain at home and all he could do is chop me apart emotionally on how I am an unhappy person and if there is anything I have been happy about for the last 3 days, like seeing him. I am sorry that I don’t dream of being his servant wife, loosing my soul on his expectations. Yes I’m too old, 37 and yes he is right no one will want the unhappy broken me. But I need myself back. I am not this ghost even if I need to lay on the floor and cry for a while.
Hi Annie. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I am so happy you’re here with us and have decided to make changes. Putting yourself first is key – you are *absolutely* worth it. You’re not too old to do what’s best for you – trust me when I tell you there are people much, much older than you making huge, scary changes. We’ve all been there, you are not alone. The team is so happy and proud of you for wanting to get back to your true self. You are worthy, dear one, of all you desire. If you think professional help might build you up a bit, Psychology Today is a great reference to help you find someone. Remember: we all need help and support. The whole team is sending you so much love, Annie. We’re really happy you’ve reached out and are looking toward a brighter and happier future for you. We believe in you. Here’s a blog Kris wrote that has helped so many – a thriver’s manifesto. Live your truth, thriver, we’re cheering you on.
I am to the point of walking away and not turning back. We broke up last February, but I came back. I came back on the promise that it would be different, that she had been working on herself as much as I had. But that wasn’t the case. I was going to leave again two months ago, but she cried and pleaded me to stay saying how much she loved me and how much I meant to her, but that was all bs too. Here we are for the third time, and I am tired and sad. My kids don’t want to be here anymore, they are miserable and know how two faces she is. In the public she is a gem, but behind closed doors she ignores all of us. If I spend too much time with my kids, she gets jealous and starts an argument.
I have not experienced this type of anxiety and hell in over 10 years. My ex husband was horribly abusive. I swore I would never let anyone treat me like he did, but here we are and I have.
I am tired of being told it is my fault, that I use her, I don’t do anything right, I have blamed everyone my entire life for everything, I am an awful parent, I will never understand the things she has achieved because I will never be as good as her, and on and on and on.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am a terrible person, if all the horrible things she is saying to me are true. But then one of my children reminds me how much they love me and how great a person I really am.
I need to leave I really do. And I know I can do it, but I have become so weak. I have begun believing the bs she sprays at me. Every night I cry myself to sleep because the roller coaster she has me on is maddening.
I am living life one day at a time right now. And keep telling myself it will be so much better once we are out of her trip for good.
Hi Jennifer. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I am so happy you’re sharing your story. It sounds like you are on the right back, my friend. First up, you have realized that you are most definitely NOT a terrible person. I’m glad your children remind you of that, and I’m sure they’ll remind you over and over again – because you are wonderful. Secondly, you said you need to leave and that’s super important. Please remember you can always reach out for help from a friend or professional (if you’re in the US, Psychology Today has a terrific list to get you started). It’s ok to get help, this is big stuff, and you deserve to thrive (check out Kris’s Thriver’s Manifesto). Your children also need you to feel safe and good, and you need that yourself, Jennifer.
Check out Kris’s affirmations that always pick me up. Plus, she created some graphics that are gorgeous and can be downloaded and used as wallpaper.
Please take excellent care of your beautiful self. You are worth it. The whole team is sending you lots of love and support. You’ve got us on your shoulder rooting for you from afar.
Heartbroken.
My ex left me after 5 years, 2 kids, a home and an engagement in June 2019.
I have tried to be flexible with the kids but he wasn’t the same the agreed times were always altered or changed so I felt like I have no life.
I got a solicitor involved just to out a schedule in place and he didn’t like that and flew off the handle. So much so I feared for my safety the police were involved and he has a court order not to come near me or our family home.
Things are starting to settle and plans are being put in place for him to see the kids as I want them to know their father.
He is in a new relationship now with a girl 10 years younger than him and it kills me but I would never stop contact with the kids.
Part of me never wants to experience it again but the bigger back just wants him back. I just want my relationship with the man I love back. I feel so empty and have done and nothing is shifting it.
I feel like no one is interested in dating me and if they are they are no where near me.
I just want my ex back yes our relationship got boring and into a routine and all the nagging and stupid argument didn’t help. But I love him. Please give me some advice, some help.
Hi Stacey. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. If the police got involved and felt a court order was necessary, it sounds like you did the best for yourself and your kids by leaving him. Good for you! Keep that head held high and it sounds like the best thing to do might be staying your course and loving him (as your children’s father) from a distance. Talking to a professional might help as well. The whole team wishes you all the very best, Stacey. Please take excellent care of yourself and your precious kids. You deserve to be treated like the perfect person that you are!
Great insight on toxic relationships, thanks for sharing this post!
I broke up with my ex 3months ago, were together 18months before I finally said enough is enough. He was paranoid beyond belief, I was always upto something in his head, if I changed the bedsheets he thought it was because I’d cheated while he was at work! Always walking on eggshells to not wind him up.
He started to attack me whenever he was drunk, started with a little push or shove then one time he got into a rage and flung me over a high garden wall. God knows how I only had cuts and bruises but I put it down to him being depressed and not on right meds so we worked through it. Fine for afew months untill a party at my friends house, he believed I was sleeping with his mate behind his back! Utter balls! I had the cheek to ‘smirk’ at his accusations and he just saw red. I swear his face changed in an instant and he became a monster.. grabbed me by my arms and flung me as hard as he could across the garden. I had a glass bottle in my mouth at the time, the fall caused the bottle to break my teeth and a piece of glass made a deep cut on my chest. Left me crying and covered in blood while he ran in to friends saying he didn’t do anything!
Said sorry the next day and he’ll get help etc but too late. Twice, he could have gone too far and I may not even be here now, Nobody deserves to live in constant fear. What I’m struggling with though is the thought that I’ve abandoned him when he’s mentally unwell… alcohol made him violent, still suffered with depression, paranoia and anxiety when sober…how do you know when to give up on someone or keep helping them?
Hi there. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy and it sounds like you were extremely smart to get out of that situation. Good for you! That’s such a hard step that many can’t do – and you did! Please keep in mind you can’t “fix” anyone, even with all the love in the world. No one can. We all need to fix ourselves, and there is plenty of help out there if we want it. He needs to get help on his own. No one deserves to be treated like you were. If he can’t treat you like the special and magical soul you are, he needs to work on himself. If it feels right, send him love – from a distance – and forgive him (more on that here), but please, please put yourself first and stay safe. Like you said, twice he could have gone too far and you may not be here now. Let’s keep you out of that situation. I wish peace for you both and sincerely hope he gets professional help ASAP. But that’s up to him, not us, right? Sending you so much love… please give yourself a HUGE hug from Kris and the team for being such a brave soul. Applause all around!
I wish I knew what is holding me back. I know the thought of him with another woman, makes me very sad. He constantly belittes me and would rather be on his phone or out with his friend. We just moved here and I haven’t made any friends or anyone to talk to. I believe I deserve better than what he is giving me. I just can’t bring myself to leave him. What is wrong with me? We don’t spend time together and he picks fights as an excuse for ” I’m going out, and shut the f### up” I am so confused and would love an outsiders perspective. Thank you ?
Hi Sarah, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. You’re right, you deserve the best and if that’s not what you’re getting, you need to make some changes. Change is tough for anyone, and this is a big change. Would you ever be willing to talk to a professional? They can help you dive in a bit more to why you’re staying, tools you could use, support for next steps, etc. If you live in the US, we recommend people look at Psychology Today’s list of therapists as a great resource. Most importantly, please take excellent care of your beautiful self. Kris and the whole team is sending you lots of support from afar, Sarah. Xo.
Hi I love that this space exist because although I love my friends and have turned to them it’s embarrassing because probably won’t make the right decision and it’s hard to take someone’s advice who’s never been in my situation. I’m only 18 and my friends are my age and I’m in college. He’s 20 and didn’t even graduate that usually wouldn’t bother me but when I get mad I think about it. We argue a lot and when he’s get really mad …he we might get into a physical altercation …where he would push me pull me or sit on me …and he says he does it so I won’t leave . Every time he hits me I try to leave and call my mom but I’m also very verbal when I’m upset but never really violet unless I feel threatened. He sometimes uses that and flips it on me to make it like I’m hurting him too, and this is more of my fault than it is his . I met him when I was a senior in high school so i was sneaking around my mom to see him for a year and I always feel guilty about that and think that maybe this is my fault and I’m being punished. My mind is done I know it but I don’t have a job, he dosen’t either, but I’m in college and I’m looking for something stable. Every time I try to ask him about school he tells me he’ll go but wakes up everyday and just plays the game like life is all good. That’s what makes us different. After being with him in high school my grades dropped but I had to pick them up on my own to graduate high school, no one know what I went through because I had the mindset that’ since I was making the terrible decision to be with this person then I should deal with the consequences. Being in college now is already demanding and he’s really insecure which I tell him about because I’m very vocal but I’ve noticed being vocal just leads to fights where we’re saying stuff to hurt each other .He says that I’m always trying to be perfect or that he’s not as smart as me but I don’t feel that has anything to do with anything because I love him dispite his flaws. We smoke a lot of weed together because that’s just what he likes to do, I want to stop bad but I feel I’m somewhat addicted . I haven’t been happy in a long time I just feel that if I go with the flow the relationship would eventually end cus it doesn’t feel meant to be . I cannot break up with him he’ll do and say anything so that I can’t leave …I don’t know what to do.
Hi Angelica. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy and we’re so happy you’ve found some support here. I have emailed you privately, please check your email when you can. We’re sending you lots of love and healing energy, sweet friend.
Amen! And you don’t owe him any explanation. Set his belongings outside and change the locks. Don’t answer calls, Because I promise you this, If you ignore them, it only takes, at the most, 2 weeks to finally stop hounding or calling or bugging you. Because by then, they have met their new victim, and have started to blend in with other people somewhere else, and will have forgotten you.
last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers,
Hi Kesha. This is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy and I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Please makes sure to keep taking care of yourself. We are sending you love from afar and wish you all the very best. Here is a great article Kris wrote about self-care that might help during this difficult time: https://kriscarrnewsletter.com/blog/gentle-self-care-tips/. Xo to you, Kesha.
I’ve been married for 6.5 years, been with my SO 10yrs total. I’m at a point of wanting to end things for the last few years, but am too scared of failure and making the wrong decision. I am not attracted to my husband and honestly can’t remember the last time I was. Over the years we’ve argued about so many things especially when it came to finances and sex. When we try to communicate, my husband would get defensive and angry and then I would just shut down and leave the room because I’m too exhausted to keep arguing. We would never resolve our issues and we just kept cycling back to the same things. I’m Catholic and divorce is frowned upon and I don’t want to the wrong thing. My values mean a lot to me, but I’m just worried I’ll never have true happiness and love with my spouse. We’re going to counseling, seeking advice from friends and family and we continue to try to work things out, but my heart isn’t in it anymore. I feel as though I’m just hanging on for everyone else. I’ve also fallen for somebody else unintentionally. Wasn’t looking for anything, but just happen to meet someone at work and we just seemed to click. I’ve never physically cheated and don’t intend to, but we’re emotionally attached and I don’t know what I need to do. I’m too scared to leave my spouse, but as hard as it will be I think it’s what is best. Any other advice anyone can provide would be greatly appreciated because I’m so tired of living in limbo. I’m tired, stressed, sad, depressed, and lonely.
I have been in a relationship for 4 years and don’t know how to end this back and forth thing. This man has a nice house, good job, excellent credit but refuses to help me get on my feet from basically losing my car, job and no money at all. I finally found another job working for Walmart making $11/hr, when I normally make $17/hr. I figure any job is better than no job at all. I take the bus to get to work and sometimes he picks me up. I can’t understand why he don’t help me get on my feet, when he has two trucks paid off and excellent credit to be able to help me, but don’t and says he loves me alot. And once I start working wants me to pay rent to him if I want to live there. This lady was selling this car for $300 so I asked him to lend me the money but he said he didn’t have money but the same week turned around and paid $900 for the A/C and $100 to get a tire for his extra truck he has. Is it wrong for me to want to leave this relationship because of how he is with me
I’ve been married for less than seven weeks. The other night during an argument..My new husband physically abused me. No punches or slaps but helld and thrown down 3 separate times an hour. I am bruised and sore and don’t know what to do. I’ve never seen this side before. He apologized and said it would never happen again. Still love him … But I’m hurt inside and out and I don’t know what to do
Hey there, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. Thank you for reaching out, I’m glad you did. I just sent you a private email reply.
Thank you so much for this. I have read every Toxic Relationship study, blog etc, but this is the first one with great positive affirmations. I’ve been hanging on to my best friend of 15 years, who, the last year has been putting me down subtly and making me feel small. (Because I’m doing a master’s and she’s not, she told me this bothers her). I’ve been doing huge self improvement and this was making her feel bad. (I always bragged about her if she had success…I’m very grateful I do not experience envy against my friends; I guess we all have our weakness, mine was being a sap) Out of guilt I kept making excuses, saying she’s going though a hard time. I’d be extra super nice to her. I cared about her and wanted her to be happy. I was not being loyal to myself. Now I am excited to discover the new me, and feel like I have my mojo back! I can’t tell this person how I feel because we don’t have that dynamic anymore. I had built part of my identity around this friend. I’ve spent 6 months obsessing over how to fix it, and what to say to her. But as this article says I can’t force her to see my point. No last digs. I have a sense of freedom about the situation now at last. Thank you ?
After a year no contact we got back in contact and communicated and caught it up was great. He wanted to rekindle from the other side of the country instead I wrote a long nice email of closure. No response until a week later and he blows up my phone like I never said anything at all? Wtf..
Thanks for finally writing about >Signs of a Toxic
Relationship | What is a Toxic Relationship? <Liked it!
8 yrs. I’ve been with the man I love. During my long drug out divorce to my ex-husband whom I share 3 children with I bumped into this man at a fundraiser. 4 yrs apart in age, as children we weren’t friends but he was tangled in through my sister’s friends and we fell in love. Eventually we merged our families. I was the sole mother figure in his 3 children’s lives as she was absent and shared custody of my 3 children with my ex-husband. The 2 of us and 6 children was chaotic to say the least. But I was happy, I loved him, loved his children and could see a forever with him. Every relationship has ups & downs as did we but there was always understanding. When married I ended up being a victim of a very controlling, manipulative, mental abusing, persuasive man that will till this day make the friend of everyone in the room. Getting the courage to leave him w/ 3 small children as a stay at home mom was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The man I fell in love with knew all of this, knew my boundaries of arguments, what I would never allow and respected them always. Until he didn’t. 4 yrs in He crossed that line and I packed my children and fled. 4 months later we reunited. With promises and regret but never moved back in with one another but spend every night together. He claims he loves me more than he’s ever shown me. He believes if he does that I’ll purposely hurt him. Because apparently all women charge their lovers heart when he treats her like she deserves. I’ve always wanted to one day be a wife again, to not let my marriage allow me to be happy as a wife but it seems he’ll never give me that. Has he crossed that line in the last 4 yrs? Yes. Do I know its never ok? Yes. I wonder if it’s because he does love me like he is scared to show and reacts in his anger because he’s deeply wounded by his past and terrified to lose me or if he is as selfish as I sometimes believe, hates that I will make it on my own with out him which gives him doubt of the sincerity of my love. He doesn’t trust me and I dont believe he loves my children. In a devoted mother that does my best as a single mom and does my best to love the man that I believed was my forever. Every argument turns into a battering of all the things he believes I do when he’s not around. I dont give a reason for these thoughts and defending myself only makes things worse and I become the worst names a girl could be by the man who is supposed to protect her. He says he feels sick after such fights, regretful, doesnt know why he does it. I’m at my tipping point. I live who he is when we’re inseparable, but when we are not, it always comes with the accusations when I see him again. After he’s done with the rant, its forgotten by him. Me, well I back away, become distant and recently he confronts my distance. Says he knows I’ve lost hope, and there could be no other reason for my distance than giving myself to someone else. I go back and forth. Do I end things, if not how do i fix this.
Deep down I know what to do. And to move on I think to myself, “heal from this, a write your book”. My faith has been beat down, my soul, my heart over 2 relationships since 1999. I want to do something with my knowledge. What I’ve learned it does to your children, what their lives are like, how I handle it all. I’d love some help, encouragement is always nice too. All my battles were faught alone, by myself all by making sure my children never lost respect, never lost love, loat their way. It’s been a rollercoaster the to add in life all around during these times. Housewife to part time jobs barely getting by, to finding a great job, a life changer. That got ripped away too. It’s where I’m at now. Lost my great job, great money, about to lose my home- my children’s home. My so called man doesnt seem to be a man at all and I see this swirling black pit I’m getting sucked into. It’s just me. Me and my kids. I hold on as tight as I can, I’m fighting. It just doesnt matter much when you can’t pay your rent. I cam say the landlord has no compassion but that wouldn’t be fair. And the love of my life? Sadly I dont believe he’d help if he was a millionaire.
I’ve been in 4 marriage’s everyone bad im not a fighter . My abuse started as a child and went on to all my relationships. I’ve always given them space then try to talk to them when I think the problem is calmed down .no matter what I seem to be the one who causes the problem. I could be locked in my room for days and have said nothing but yet it my fault and I’m destroying the family. My first marriage 11yrs.#2-was 8yrs.#3was2yrs,then stayedo alone 15 yrs. When I married #4-lasted 5months. He got me in an horrible car accident and left me like road killed dog bleeding and disappeared.and no one will give him up to the law.And now comes home ,sick and never felling good and am getting the yelling from my son,and accusation of all kinds of things from his girlfriend and last week got yelled at by my son girlfriends friend. I ask myself why?? Don’t know but I was not created by GOD To put up with any more. When I left the state 1 year and 4 months ago I gave everything away I’m 64 going on 65. I can’t work but need to start over again. Please pray for me. I BELIEVE GOD STILL HAS BLESSINGSOME AND MIRACLES. DON’T STAY LIKE I HAVE GET OUT GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ALL OF US WOMEN.WE WERE CREATED BY GOD TO BE HELP MATES UNDER MAN’S RIBEST TO BE PROTECTED AND LOVED. NOT ABUSED BY NO _one not even your kids. GOD BLESS YOU ALL KEEP SAFE WERE NOT DOOR MATTS…
My high school sweetheart contacted me after 40 years. Both of us had been thru wirlwind relationships, I myself married & divorced, but I was hoping that finally my true fairy tale happines had came true. Once again I store my heart away behind a brick wall, protecting it from hurt, sorrow & pain.
After my 2011 diagnosis of astrocytoma brain cancer grade II, it became clear that I SERIOUSLY needed to reduce the stress in my life. And this meant cutting ties with these “energy vampires,” one who was unfortunately a longtime friend of over 30+ years. I have to say that since doing this, I don’t regret it at all. It’s as if my life has taken a new and refreshing turn–I feel incredibly relieved. It may sound brutal, but it’s true. I’d known for years, ever since 1997, that my “friend” was becoming a vampire. But it wasn’t until 2012 that I finally made that move to just cut ties. It’s amazing–you don’t really know how suppressed you were until you FINALLY let them go. Thank you Kris for this much-needed post!
I reckon something really interesting about your website so I saved to fav.
I been with my fiancé for 5yrs. I was loyal never even cheated nor lie to him. He broke up with me in May saying he got to do his schooling for college. I noticed he been spending to much time with a girl named Amy and she knew he was in a relationship with me. I confronted him and asked him who was the woman you leaving me for. He denied that there wasn’t a woman involved. I moved out with taking my son and mother with me and to my surprise he was moving her(Amy) in. I wasn’t even gone for two days. Then I being a investor check on his family’s profiles on Facebook, They had a baby shower for him and Amy. He knew I wanted a baby and a real family. I felt he took that from me. And it was the same month in May the same month he broke up with me. I have deleted his family off of Facebook and he is also deleted. His family knew all long and didn’t tell me. So I don’t have anything to do with them anymore. I’ve cried got angry and didn’t understand why leave me for her and she also had a fiancé and she cheated on him also with my fiancé so how in the world can two cheaters trust each other? I felt nasty I couldn’t even stand myself. I would like to know how to get over this I didn’t deserve that at all.
I got out of my toxic relationship with my child’s father years ago and left town and I had to get rid of the mutual friends we used to have because they were telling me his and his wife’s business that I did not want to know about and his uncle contacted me last year to tell me that his nephew did me wrong and I told him I wanted no contact with him or the family so that is what has me confused and I have made no contact whatsoever
I also want to make note that I moved back 3 years ago
Having broke of a very toxic relationship with a family member I can say its a process…if you have days where you question why you did it, because you actually feel worse now then when that relationship was still intact, you aren’t alone. Almost two years out and I am just starting to see the light, i spent so much time asking myself how I let this relationship go on for so long, and why it had to end the way it did, i couldn’t wrap my departure from it in a pretty bow….it was ugly! I didn’t have the option of just slowly letting things fall apart, I had to take a giant pair of scissors and cut the CRAP out. It was a dark, disgusting relationship that was built on fear, and a mutual displeasure for other family members, and it was making me a person I wasn’t proud of! All this time I spent trying to rationalize my decision one day it hit me…The only thing I needed to rationalize was why i betrayed myself for so many years to fit in with someone who was nothing like me! I needed to forgive myself, I’m still working on that part. Lots of deep breathes…slowly moving back into the light.<3 If your in the same boat, i'm here, i feel your pain, but i also know your triumph! Keep looking forward!
Finding love in the old days was certainly a lot easier for the men back then which today unfortunately is a very different story for us single men still looking.
I’m having to learn how to let go of a man that I have loved for over five and a half years we’re supposed to be engaged to get married but his Sudden Change in Behavior took place 2 years ago hot and cold distant silent treatment definitely toxic no doubt in my mind this man is a narcissist I’ve begged and pleaded with him for his time when he got this horrible ways with me I ended up apologizing for things I had no reason to apologize for I was lucky if I got one or two good days with him then out of the blue he would go distant with me cold the silent treatment it was horrible it breaks my heart cuz I didn’t understand why I’m still learning about this type of monster I call it the Narcissist. One day you will tell me he loves me I’m his one and only is everything and you can’t live without me then a day or two later he treats me as if he hates me this is breaking my heart I’ve tried talking to him about his behavior towards me I feel it makes things worse I wish I could just walk away for good please help
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I resonated with this so much. My Instagram account is @cancersavedmylife for a reason.
Before I was diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian cancer I wanted to die in my marriage. I felt sad all the time. I lived in fear. If I voiced my feelings, they would be wrong so I started to believe that I didn’t matter. I was confused. I had everything I wanted. A husband, 3 kids by a surrogate, a house and yet I was miserable. I felt disrespected a lot especially when my husband told me it my “ my job “ to have sex with him even after I told him I didn’t want to because I was in pain. Guess what that pain was? 3 tumors in my vagina, rectum and colon. A marriage or relationship should have respect. After you said do you get tired of hearing your own story, that is when I realized In my life something needs to change. I tried leaving three times and kept coming back due to the fear of change, the unknown. I couldn’t take it anymore. Had a “ breakdown” ended up in the psych ward for for only a few hours because the dr there says I wasn’t crazy. I was in an unhealthy relationship that involved emotional abuse. That’s when I decided that I was worth it. I couldn’t keep living this way or else it would kill me. Sadly, it already was. After I got the courage to leave just a few months later I was diagnosed with cancer. I would go to sleep praying to not wake up in my marriage so I think I got my death wish. Then, I decided to take my power back. In the worst time of my life, fighting through a divorce plus fighting cancer , and trying to run my business solo, I found the most peace. It was lonely for awhile but I’m the end I survived! I’m more happy than ever. Living on my own terms. Life is too short to be in a unhappy relationship. I’m not perfect, but I know enough to know that the person you are with should support you and make you feel good about yourself. Not punish you by putting your dirty dishes next to your pillow on your night stand? True story. You are stronger than you think. You deserve to be happy❤️
Wow, Emilee. Thank you for opening your heart. Your story is inspiring and we all have a lot to learn from you. I’m sorry you went through what you did, but I’m SO glad you chose to take your power back and live life on your own terms. Absolutely magical, honey. xo!
I “divorced” my father a few years ago, since when I’ve been able to repair my self-esteem hugely. I only wish I had done it years ago but that’s fruitless thinking. My life is so different now. I feel freer, more able to make the right decisions for me, not only based on ones that would please him. I have met and married an amazing man, who is the antithesis of my father. He’s kind, supportive, listens to me so different to my Dad.
But you know what, I still feel guilty. My husband counsels me on this often and I don’t know why I feel guilty. My Dad has been a terrible father to me over four decades. I won’t go into the details, suffice to say that when I was a teenager I was so scared of him I often wished he wouldn’t come home.
I know what being a good Dad looks like now. How my husband is with my step kids is amazing. He’s a very loving Dad. Mine never was. I have a distant relationship with him now but on my terms. However, I feel judged because it’s not the relationship he wants. I know he wants me nearby to take care of him and my step-mum because he’s said as much but I’ve chosen not to. I’ve done it in the past and been completely compromised by it. But now they are both old and not in good health, I see my friends all posting things on FB about how they take care of their ageing parents and I feel guilty because I’m not.
How do I stop feeling guilty?
Hi Alison, thank you for sharing your story. That sounds like a difficult situation. I can only imagine that it took a lot of courage to create the boundaries you need to be happy and healthy. As far as the guilt goes—well, there’s no easy answer. Have you considered writing a letter to your dad ? Not one you’ll send, but just something to get your feelings out on paper. I find this kind of exercise to be incredibly therapeutic. It might help you process some of your thoughts and get a better handle on what you want to do about them, if anything. Above all else, though, trust yourself. Remember that you chose to distance yourself because it was the best thing for you—only you know how to care for yourself in this way. If a time comes when you can let your dad back in a bit, your gut will tell you so. Stick with your intuition, because you’ve already got all the wisdom you need. I hope this helps, and I’m sending you my love. xo
I have been in this toxic relationship for 6 years. I have gotten to the point where I would rather be alone. I don’t enjoy his touch anymore. I use to run to my car after work because I couldn’t wait to get home to see him. Now I can wait to get up the next morning and go to work. I am not happy at all. He has called me names and made me feel like I was nothing. I use to be this confident secure person and now I j just feel like a burden. I need to go I know. I hate the thought of starting over.
The timing of this post couldn’t be more spot-on. I ended a truly dysfunctional romantic relationship after 14 years. My bf had checked out and refused to support me emotionally even as I battled advanced stage 3 breast cancer. It was very difficult but I have never doubted I did the right thing. To those who did support me, I am ever grateful.
My twenty year relationship blew up in my face 14 months ago. My husband walked out with no explanation and ghosted me. He didn’t talk to family or friends, still hasn’t. I was abandoned with no answers. I was gutted. The pain came from him not having any respect for me to treat me this way. He acted like we were never together for all these years. I spent a year praying and asking for answers and being destructive with my mental and physical health. It was not until I surrendered to the Universe that I began to feel relief. With the help of a good counselor, Gabby Bernstein, meditation, and lots of reading, I have begun to see the light at the end of this horrific time in my life. I still have my depressing days, but I now have mechanisms in place to get out of my head very quickly. I am looking forward to adding “Extraordinary Meditations for a Magnificent Life to my repertoire. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story, Lisa. My heart goes out to you—it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. The fact that you’re where you are now is a testament to your resilience and strength of spirit. Keep doing what you’re doing, and know that I’m over here rooting you on every step of the way. xo!
The timing of this is totally uncanny. Although I ended the toxic relationship with my ex-husband & father of my son almost 2 years ago, we have been caught in a cycle of hurt and trauma that has been ongoing. Just this week I have recognised that the relationship has all the features of being mutually abusive. I have been experiencing emotional abuse and gaslighting for almost a decade in total. I am exhausted, burnt out and sad. We have almost completed a parenting plan and finally have agreements around shared care and finances. It has taken this long just to get clarity on these major issues. Finally I can heal and truly move on. Thank you for this blog post, I needed to hear this once again because despite everything I still grieve for the loss of my family unit. Perhaps I will always feel sad about that and that is ok. Much love.
It’s ok to feel sad, Emily. No sense in resisting where you are in this moment—just allow yourself to feel those feelings. You’ve been through a lot, so be gentle and patient with yourself as you move through this healing process. I’m here for you! xo
Hi Kris
Yes , your post is great. Most of the time its very hard for people, including me, to say ‘no’. Often we sacrifice our precious time and energy for someone else, who has nothing to do with us… but still we care about their opinion, status and so on. We often forget those with whom we should really spend our time.
I’ve definitely been there Akshay. Sounds like you’re an empath like me, which can make it even harder to protect ourselves. Hope you’ll make it a point to connect with yourself and listen to your intuition when it comes deciding who’s deserving of your energy and time. xo!
That’s the key moment – waking up angry or worried or scared. If you’re not waking up happy and worry free, then you need to let go and find what will bring positive feelings upon waking. ? Thank you for sharing your stories. I need courage to move on from my relationship, definitely planning. But frightened and saddened because I have a son who adores his father.
I know how scary that must be. Should you decide that moving on is the best thing for everyone, it may be tough at first. But ultimately, your son will be lucky to have the happiest, healthiest versions of both of his parents. xo!
This was such an inspiring article so thank you for sharing it. I feel/ know I’m in a toxic marriage. It wasn’t like this in the beginning but over the past 2 years my husband and I are completely disconnected. We have no intimacy and have had next to none for more than a few years. He tries to make me someone I am not and positions it as him trying to push me to do better but it does the opposite cause I fee I’m constantly criticized and not good enough. Not to mention he never goes out of his way to do anything special for me or make me a priority. But I struggle to release myself from the situation cause we have a 4year old child and I think it all so sad, yet we’re doing a disservice to each of us in trying to resolve something that is so dead.
I know how hard this must be, Stephanie. Please remember that you are smart, beautiful and 100% deserving of the very best! Sending you and your family lots of love.
I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.
So glad this came at the right time for you, Rebecca. Sending lots of love your way.
When I met my spouse, my son of 23 years had recently crossed over. My reason for staying was that I felt responsible for him and his life—especially the re-emergence of his two young boys and the relationship those three now had an opportunity to co-create. I am respected by them and after 5 years he lost what they built. I felt I needed to help mend these wounds.
Over time I awakened to truth and my perspective is no longer warped. My classes in my Ecopsychology Masters program were the blessing from the Divine toward my awakening and healing from my son’s ascension?? and this relationship.
We sold our home I had been asking to sell for almost a year through persistent forward movement of self, even though it was against his wishes. As I packed up our household goods (HHG), I separated his belongings and what he would get from my own (I was a logistics and movement officer in the Army) and when we sold I insisted on individual 1099’s for tax purposes and we each got into our own apartment. Even though we have lived in the same complex for two months now, I have been creating peaceful space for myself, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
I used to experience frequent panic attacks at night, almost daily. Since I found the courage and wisdom to move forward without him and the chaotic, destructive energy his being projected in our relationship, I have not experienced any panic attacks and I am finding that my heart and mind are more capable of interacting with my soul and my connection with the Divine Presence in our universe.
Blessings in the Light with Peace, Joy, and Love
LadyFae
Sounds like you’re taking good care of your sweet self, LadyFae. You inspire me. Sending big hugs!
I love this post, and am in a painful marriage with binge drinking issues, financial issues & chronic arguing. We have three beautiful kids. I know he has a good heart, and I know I’m a part of it, but it’s exhausting and upsetting and I do feel pain inside my body. I know I could improve and have my own issues. It’s a big huge deal to break up a family. How do you “know” when to make that huge leap? It changes the trajectory of many lives.
That sounds really tough, Lisa. There’s no one answer to your question—in my experience, it’s different for everyone. Perhaps something in your gut tells you that enough is enough, or you eventually feel the strength to make a change. But that’s not something anyone but your wise self can decide. In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself. This stuff is rarely simple or clear, so allow yourself the time and space to handle it in the way that’s best for you. Sending you lots of love.
Sometimes something comes at the right time. As always, thank you for your love and wisdom, Kris.
This past weekend, I ended a relationship of 13 years, with a man I was never technically with. But we were so much to each other, especially him to me. Except ultimately, he just didn’t feel the passion I felt for him, and didn’t want to be with me in the real way. But my fantasy was so strong, that I kept trying to change his mind, or trying to pretend I’m ok with this partial relationship. Through these years, I have gone through an immense amount of pain, rejection and hurt. Hundreds of liters of tears. Going through the same cycle again and again. I would not wish this upon anyone.
It ended when I asked him to be there for me at a moment when I hit rock bottom. I told him I needed him more than I ever have… and he said NO. It felt like the last straw. I told him at that moment that I am so beyond hurt, and that it’s over. He didn’t even respond. He is a good man, albeit selfish in many ways, but a good man. I do believe he loved me, just not remotely close to how I loved him. I don’t think he is even capable.
Now that it’s over, the agony and pain are immense, and getting through each day feels like climbing a mountain. I’ve felt passion, love, care friendship, and love addiction toward him. My mind is playing trick on me, trying to convince me that even that half-ass relationship was better than this pain, because at least I got to have him in my life. But it was literally ruining my life, and obliterating so many good things, because I was just waiting, hurting, wanting and dreaming of what I could never fully have. I only got a little taste of what felt like heaven. That’s no way to live.
I would appreciate any words of wisdom and encouragement right now. Thank you so much….
Alyona, thank you for opening up in your comment. My heart goes out to you—I know how hard it can be to end something you want so badly. And because we want to avoid that hurt, sometimes our brains even try to convince us to go back to the not-so-healthy situation (so we can delay having to experience that loss). But I promise that once you’re on the other side, you’ll be so much happier for it dear one. I hope you’ll seek support from your loved ones AND from your wise, loving inner self during this challenging time. You deserve nothing less than the absolute best—please remember that! xo
This is my favorite post that you have ever posted!!! And it’s right on time, divine alignment ?? thank you for this today ❤️
Don’t ya just love it when the universe speaks to you, Rachel? xo!
While I think there are some very valid points and tips in this article, I take issue with the comment re: getting rid of relationships that “no longer serve you”. Relationships are a give and take and that seems like a very self focused perspective. I believe sometimes are calling is to be there to help/be there another person, even if that relationship isn’t “serving us” at the time. I recognize that setting boundaries are important and we need to pay close attention to self care. But I also believe we have a basic human calling to be there for each other as well, and sometimes that means being in a relationship that doesn’t “serve us” or “serve us at the moment.”
Hi S, thanks for you comment. To clarify, when I say “no longer serving you,” I mean a relationship that’s consistently hurting you, draining your energy, making you doubt your own self-worth, etc. I do not mean leaving someone you love in their time of need. All relationships go through ups and downs, and everyone has challenging seasons. Sometimes one person needs to give more than the other—that’s why we have each other. Hope this clears up what I mean! xo
Thank you Kris! I’d be curious some time on your thoughts on the following – perhaps another blog article at some point. – If you are in a period of your life where you feel that several of your relationships are doing all that you mention above (draining you and doubting your self worth in particular), where does one start to assess the nature of the relationships? I’m assuming looking inward plays a role as well, whether it be looking at the types of friendships you are drawn to, one’s own role in those relationships, our own inner health and well being. But it’s also scary to think that “we could be the problem” or that we have been “getting it wrong” all this time. It’s overwhelming to think about where to start when you feel several of your relationships need reassessing – especially when the weak link could be within ourselves. Thanks for the response.
Fortunately, my toxic relationship came way back in high school. Since then, there have been some peripheral ones that were stressful and needed to be gracefully exited, but my main (and married) relationship has been lasting and mostly good. Sometimes one needs to discern the toxic from the merely annoying and acquire patience for the small things in life.
Absolutely, Carol. Patience, acceptance, understanding—these are all important parts of a healthy relationship. xo!
Thank you for this post—I just bookmarked it! It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that I’m in a toxic relationship and I am the only party who sees/cares. I have been sicker (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) during this relationship than any other time in my life and am taking steps to get better and get out.
Glad this resonated with you, Liz. Sending you lots of love and big hugs! xo
I need to be honest with two family members – despite seriously trying for years to allow change – there’s still the same seething jealousy and unkindness. I’m done being shamed for existing. Breaking up with a parent and their partner is not easy. The expense however is so great tat I must find a way.
That sounds like a tough situation, KH. Sending you lots of love as you navigate this challenge. xo
I have been married for 18 years. In January 2019 I made the decision to walk away from a very toxic relationship. Mentally I was crippled, he was draining every last energy from me. Even now he still tries to manipulate and control me. My daughter will be with me from next week. Once she’s with me, I move onto divorce. I’m at peace. The struggle is only financial. Starting over. Finding myself has being liberating. I have made a few stupid decisions in 4 months but we learn. The one thing holding me together, my glue, is God. God is Good. I firmly believe that the best is yet to come. My blessings will be answered. We were not put on this earth to be doormats, emotionally abused, manipulated, controlled, belittled etc. I need to prove to myself that I am strong, I can make it and my daughter can see that no woman deserves less than being respected. She needs a mentally strong mother! Walking away was easy, it was the courage that was needed. Surround yourself with like minded people. Turn to Pastoral counselling. Prayer. Speak about it. You don’t have to be ashamed! God Bless
Glad to hear you’re on a healthier, happier path, Beverley-Anne. Sending you lots of love and strength. Mwah!
I said enough to a long time friend. I just couldn’t do it any more. We don’t live close any more. She had to go into a senior residence complex. I held her hand when her husband had Altzheimers… I brought crafts to do. I broth dinners. I brought and the list goes on and on and on. They were hoarders of collections and everything else. It overflowed the house, basement garage and endless storage units. She couldn’t deal with it or anything else. Still kept in touch, phone calls things I found to send her.. She needed knee replacements. When she didn’t want to hear any not Resentful silence would ensue. She was helpless and everyone but her DIL and I enabled her. Couldn’t pay bills on time.. Couldn’t fund important papers and this list goes on. Last week after she had her replacement and didn’t know the schedule for her Neff or even what they were.. Something snapped for me. It was fine until it wasn’t. Told her I’m done.. Grow up and be an adult and said don’t contact me. Always about her. Passive aggressive taker.. So that what I just did and I don’t regret it at all. With one bedroom she mansged to not do laundry for a month. I need it and I’m much happier and I feel lighter
Glad you’re happier now, Jenna. Sending you love. xo!
I have a boyfriend of 6 years for the past 2 years it has been the worst in the beginning of January 2019 up till now he has left me at the very beginning of the month it all started changing when his mother lived here and he was working somewhere with his mother and family we would get in our arguments we would fight to where he would tell me he doesn’t love me anymore it doesn’t want to be with me he wants to be by himself blocks me from the phone then a couple of days later he changes his whole story he wants to come home and everything’s supposed to be good but the reason why he left in first place he said was because I pushed him away if that is the case why keep coming back he’s nice to me during that time to my face but when he is around his family he hollers cusses and treats me like I’m nothing now he’s wanting to come back I need him financially but I don’t need to keep playing these games with him any advice
Leaving my husband of 17 years. I have three children from the marriage and my oldest has been telling me to leave the abusive relationship for years. My first response was, “well he doesn’t hit us”. It took two years for me to muster the courage to file for divorce. I had cheated (an unhealthy attempt at coping with an unhealthy situation) and of course it gave validation to all the negative things he would make me believe about myself. I was also afraid of being on my own with three children. I had dreamed for years that when they grew up I could leave, like it was my job to stay married to him just so we could afford to live. I now see that these fears were irrational. The man I’m leaving comes from a very toxic family. I truly hope he can heal, but I simply cannot shoulder any of his negativity any more. I am facing things like selling our house, possibly leaving my job to go back home to family, being financially strapped for a bit.. But the improvement I’ve seen in myself and my children without him in our lives is worth it. Life is too short to focus on the business side of things. These matters flow as do all aspects of life if we let them. I am writing this in hopes that I can help someone out there, as all of you have helped me through this time in my life. You can do it, change seems scary but the freedom is well worth it.
I believe I was ready to walk away a year ago. The dynamics change in relationships, then some individuals change for the wrong reasons. Many change to get something, they think they deserve. Some try and create BS without being truthful. So many different dynamics, it gives me a headache. I just stick with my beliefs and logic. Though I believe you wrote this with a lot of experience. I remember always being on guard in my last relationship. The relationship never felt right. I always felt I was kept for empathy and venting. I knew someday I would get the answers. Some individuals are great at lying pathologically. When you’re trying to be truthful, they take it out of context. Some have exes as friends for a reason. Be cautious of toxic individuals when they break up with you. They’ll try and make you stay or feel guilty. Someone that truly loves you, will never make you feel guilty. Friendship is not second place, they’ll give you false hope, and cut off contact; without working things out. Its then, when you realize why everyone stays. I’m still learning to adapt to changing the self. I will never trust another individual that believes they do nothing wrong in relationships. I’m just happy to have moved on and started to forget they ever exsisted. I used to think the 8 years were great, now they seemed like a nightmare.
Thank you for the post Cass. It is very inspiring and it gives me great hope in realizing I’m not delusional in wanting more than unhappiness for the sake of keeping a family unit whole. Life is too short to stay with someone who isn’t as committed to showing change when it’s needed.
Thanks for the amazing blog. Must read for the people who are going through relationship traumas. I’ve been thinking
to breakup with my boyfriend but couldn’t bring up the courage to confess this to him. Hoping to find a way soon.
Proper Insightful.
Thanks Kris for this read as it’s has comforted me on so many levels. I thank you for being real and letting us all into your life . That takes courage xoxo
Kris, I love your info and enthusiasm! I worked with Dr. Ann Wigmore at the first Hippocrates Health Institute, Back Bay, Boston. Vegan, raw food, many juices, wheatgrass, many, many healings. We all are fortunate to stand on the shoulders of the pioneers who lead the way.
Regarding THIS blog, I work with sea turtles and conservation and a picture of balloons with the word “release” below, tho meant with great love, holds a harmful visual. People actually DO this and the results kill.
I’m just lonely. I don’t have children. I’m 46. I divorced at 40. My mother past away in 2004 my father is a narcissist drunk. I’m dating a guy 5 years that I divorced my husband to him with, total mistake. My ex-husband remarried a year after. The guy I’m with lol a still married says he will not pay for a divorce, it’s just a piece of paper lol oh my. Well, I can’t keep a job. I’m afraid of my health. I’m a diabetic that has undergone a multiple transplants. I can’t think straight.i do not have a supportive family friend foundation. I have felt like I needed to commit myself to the looney bin but I’m a nurse and that would not look great on my history for instability. I have found my savior just not been able to commit to other Christians. My anointing with God is a gift of a prophetic intercessor. I have found out that I’m an introvert through reading. I hope to find a connection to open up too, to be able to feel alive, energetic at this age 46
He left me. I accepted and he walked out the door. I dont beg and plead for you to love me. I did it a couple of times and it just backfires on you. There was no explanation, just left. Realizing I had to start over which I thought I had when getting out of being homeless 10/17. This has a horrible story to it on what was done to me after the breakup by my ex as he continues to gang stalk/electrical harressment till today. I debated for a while before reporting to the FBI. I hated doing it because as as much hate that he has for me I still cared, whats wrong with this picture. The program that he is doing can result in committing suicide or they do harm to you. What would you do?
I need some advice please. I feel like I am drowning in my insecurities and my relationship is falling apart. We have been 5 years together and have a beautiful daughter. Sometimes I just want to leave because I feel so undesirable. I found out that when we broke up 7 months of being together for talking to his ex that I was second choice which my heart broke in pieces mostly finding out 5 years later. He told me that he was waiting for her messages and that he had thought of having sex with her. I wish sometimes that this would be the only thing but was not. He had multiple sex partners before me. That would not really matter to me if it wasn’t that he had sex with them for hours and multiple times in one day but with me since the beginning of our relationship and in 5 years we have never had sex that way. The most we ever had sex could be an 1 1/2 and only one time maybe two but in hours in between. Not compare to them that was back to back to 4 times in one day. I dont know if im going crazy making something a big deal when its not but I feel that he never desired me the same way. He was my first serious relationship and I met him when I was 18 he was 22. It was only 4 months difference between one of his ex that he had sex that way till he met me. So it could not be because he grew out of that sexuality. He says that I wasn’t a sexual person but I barely ever had sex before him so how can I know. But why would that matter if you lust someone it would not matter you still can’t take your hands off each other so why wasn’t he like that with me. I am so torn by this and dont know what to do. Can I get someone’s advice? Please.
I cut my entire seriously dysfunctional, highly narcissistic, birth family or of my life two weeks after I found out they had all lied, betrayed and abandoned me on Christmas day, 2013. Long story short, my extremely manipulative, very evil, covert narcissistic mother had been telling both my sisters and my younger brother that I had been breaking into their house and stealing many of her and my father’s extremely strong and highly addictive prescription narcotics for quite sometime, along with many other lies, and telling my father that my husband and I had been stealing money from them by asking to borrow large sums of money then refusing to repay it every time my mother called asking for it back. I had had an addiction problem for a few years due to seven spinal surgeries where I was the ones who begged both my doctors and my husband to PLEASE get me help and get me off those DAMN pills. I went into a treatment facility on December 4th, 2007, and with the exception of a 3 day relapse in August of 2012 that I quickly admitted to and got right back on my program with, I had been clean ever since. When my parents up and moved to where me and my family lived in December of 2009 and then found this quack doctor to start prescribing all these heavy narcotics for both of them for bogus reasons, I immediately went out and bought a $100 safe that required both a key and a secret code to open. I refused to own a key to their home nor would I let them give me the code to open their garage to gain entry into their home that way. So just how she was able to convince all of them that I was breaking into there home, stealing enough of their drugs to make them both run out so early that they were both going into withdrawals is beyond me. But SHE was abusing both of their medications so she HAD to come up with something and since I had the previous problem, it worked. The lie she was giving about the money was what SHE was actually doing to me and my husband. To the point that WE flat REFUSED to give her even $5 anymore. By this point She already owed us about $5000 and my father had no idea.
On Christmas day in 2013 my mother had asked me 4 weeks pryer if I would have my entire family(minus my younger sister because she was on one of her hate me years that she did every 5 years) at my home for Christmas day. Only problem was it was just shy of 4 weeks since having a total hysterectomy due to cervical cancer and I was still in a lot of pain (a surgery none of my siblings were there for, before. During, or after when I had been there for each of them for all of theirs’) For four weeks my mother continuously told me all she was bringing, coordinating it with what I was making and telling me they would all be there ” by 1pm at the latest”. So after cleaning my home from top to bottom, spending $200 on food. Well over $400 on gifts for everyone, washing crystal and China by hand and not going to sleep at all to get everything done in time and get dinner cooked on time not a single one of them came or had the decency to call and say they weren’t coming. We called for hours and they couldn’t even pick up the phone. Turns out my sister who hates me had become best friends with my older sister who had always hated her and now they both hated me and believed all my mother’s lies and my younger sister had decided the night before to go on and come over and instead of letting me know so me and my family could go on and eat and enjoy our Christmas and our children could open their gifts, they decided we all deserved to suffer. It was well after 6pm before my 25 year old niece secretly answered the phone to let me know what was going on behind my back, that my entire family, the parents, that my husband and children and I had single handedly cared for, without one ounce of help from any of my siblings for 19 straight years, and both my sisters that I had loved unconditionally all my life and never even said an unkind thing to and my niece, nephew and would soon include my own brother, were 15 minutes down the road celebrating Christmas without ever calling to invite us, let us know they weren’t coming, ever pick up the phone when we called frantic a thousand times wondering what was going on. Nothing. The whole times talking about me like I was a dog, My own mother leading the pack. For one whole week my mother lied to my face blaming this on my sisters. Telling me how angry my father was when she told him what “THEY” had DONE” to me. Then, she gave me sob stories, complete with crocodile tears, trying to make ME feel sorry for HER about how horrible it was having my sister and her family at her house for a week. After two weeks of this I went to her house and confronted her in front of my dad. She had one more surprise for me. She had told my father that my husband and I had $1500 of theirs and when I walked in my the first thing my father says is that he knows we have it and that I can go ahead and give it back right then. My mother has the audacity to be standing behind him motioning for me to please write him a check, FROM MY ACCOUNT, to bail her out of one of the many lies she’s been spreading about me! So I just let her have it! Told my dad the truth told her exactly what I thought of her and that I never wanted to see her again and to stay away from my family. My father had dementia and sindowners and was basically out of his mind and stuck up for my mother and told me he never wanted to see me again either. So I walked out and that was the last time I allowed anyone in my life again. My father got very ill last March and I snuck into ICU without anyone knowing and he cried and tried to talk and tried to get out of the bed to get to me. I spoke and he squeezed my hand. He was beyond grateful I came. He said he was so sorry. He loved me. I did too and we made our peace. I lay there with him for two hours. He died at home two weeks later. We never saw each other again. Late last December I found out that he discovered all my mother’s lies about the money and moved all his retirement into a new account without her name or anyone else’s on it, except mine. I was named the person payable upon death. It was $4000. The only money that my mother couldn’t get her greedy hands on. After 80 years. My mother took every single dime my poor father had made and saved except $4000. And she was trying her damndest to get it. That’s how I found out about it. But he left It for me. My sisters only came in at the last minute for the inheritance and there wasn’t even any because of their mother. I just took care of my dad because I loved him so much and in the end, he figured out the truth. After many hate filled phone calls from all of them over three long years and one month stay in a trauma hospital I am finally free. No contact for 5 years and my life is so wonderful I want to pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming! I only wish my daddy was here. But in a way. He kinda is. Right!?
I’m just grasping at straws,,I will read your messages again,,,to try to make sense of this toxic situation,,.thank you,,,
This is my 4th marriage and my husband is very good through all my health issues, but during his 2 divorces, he’s always dated younger women. He’s only 4 months older than I, and already there’s a younger woman with her friend coming around our home. We’ve been together longer than married and he’s entertaining talking to them because he knows I’m jealous of them, I don’t what to do! I’ve been through these type of relationship with all 3 ex-husbands.
If only we all had such clarity. Yet we can and ty Chris for reminding us of that.
Thank you for this post. I’m trying to get over a girl that I loved but turned out to be a narcissist. She hurt me bad yet I keep thinking about her.
I’m sure I’ll be o.k. ss soon as another girl cones along. Especially one with a soul. I’m a good looking guy. Good personality. Responsible. Hard working. A good catch.
I just made a mistake falling into her trap.
She is/was beautiful. Time to move on. Just having a hell of a time not thinking about her.
I was dating a guy named Jonathan. He cheated on me five times and always made empty promises. I thought he would change, he promised he would. i was always, always crying. i was miserable but when he was with me it was amazing. So i ended it and blocked him. But i unblocked him and he keeps guilt tripping me. I cant just end the communication. its not that easy. I wanna talk to him but i cant say hey without an i miss you followed by a love me again. So yeah… I’m doing research…
also. It was always about him. My plans for the future, my dreams. You cant do that. Where do i fit in. It molded my entire life and i lost myself.
So what does the question, “Do you need and interpreter?” Mean / indicate?
And yes I do, my 21 year old step daughter jokes that she can say the exact same idea and it’s a great idea while all my ideas are too expensive, unimportant, or we don’t have time for that.
I feel like my world just cracked, does this mean I am abused? (My therapist just told me I was). What if all the major (I am dyslexic and my parents were very hard on me, compared me to my brilliant brother the doctor, where as I had to be the lawyer, and not ever good as him). Are you trying to tell me that all my relationships in my life had this feature… does this mean I am seriously choosing to be abused!?!?!
What the hell is wrong with me, why do the people who hurt me the most not listen to me? Are you trying to tell me that dull aching feeling of never being smart enough, good enough, tough enough actually goes away?!?
I feel like that is my life… what comes after it? Why can’t the people I love just love me and hear me? Why does this keep happenin?
What a lovely read. I left my ex almost two months ago and man was it a struggle to do so. He was truly bad for my mind, body and health. So many terrible things he had done to me over the 2 1/2 years we were together but those things should be forgiven with no question because he “loved me more than his own life”
I’m not going to lie. He has made it rough on me these last two months. Popping up at places I’m at with me having no idea how he knows I’m there because I moved an hour and 1/2 away from him when I left. Calling/texting my friends and family. Either insulting them or sending private pictures of me to them. Even so much as stealing my car and tearing the inside of it apart. But, guess what. I don’t care about any of that stuff
I am finally, after so very long myself again. As I’m writing this, tears are streaming down my face because I am me again. I got my happiness back. So to anyone out there who may be wondering, you can do this too if you know in your heart you need out. ❤️
Kris, I truly needed this at this moment. I am 57 years old, been with my husband four years, married three, living apart a year-and-a-half. I can truly say I poured my heart and soul into this relationship. We cannot get along. I end up feeling like crap every day. Everyone around me, friends, family, have gently (and sometimes not so gently) told me I am killing myself, my chronic disease is acting up and I am truly miserable. I am finally filing this Saturday and your article truly hit my heart in a great way. Especially, the no last digs. I want to walk away and be able to know that I did nothing to shadow my soul in doing so. Thank you!
Thank you Kris, this helped calm the soul in the middle of the night after a long term is relationship ended. I feel empty but calm, no tears just thoughts. Don’t know where to go from here, hoping for peace this time alone.
I was with someone whom I thought was wonderful – fabulous dates, lots of laughs, and a lot of “quality time” together. Our relationship blossomed into something special and I felt so loved everyday.
And then he put a ring on my finger.
As soon as we were engaged his mother and sister demanded certain things and started treating me differently. I’m convinced his sister was jealous that her “guardian” would have to take care of someone else. The red flags started popping up! He would be extremely concerned with what his mother/sister said it always had to be that way. My opinion never mattered. But wait, aren’t I supposed to be your wife in 9 short months?
Our engagement was a nightmare. From not being allowed to have an opinion, to having my ring taken off my finger when I chose to not invite his mother wedding dress shopping. To fearing for my life when he got behind the wheel when I didn’t do something FOR his family. To walking into my own engagement party and hearing his say “let’s go pretend to be happy”.
I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, I couldn’t eat or be healthy and I knew my body was telling me SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. But I loved HIM. But I couldn’t love just him without THEM destroying what we had.
I made the most painful decision to cancel our wedding 90 days shy of walking down the aisle. I slept like a baby that night. We ended up reuniting a month or so after I called everything off and tried to work things out with a counselor. He promised he wouldn’t call my family names (called my pregnant sister fat) and that he wouldn’t put me in danger. But he went back and did it so badly one night that I broke a picture frame against a wall. I knew it wasn’t ME to do that. He forced me to sleep in the same bed as him that night and tried to kiss me when he left the next morning. I knew I’d never spend another day with him when he drove away.
10 days later he still acted like nothing had happened that it was just a “fight”. And I had to finally say that I was getting off the hamster wheel. That I wouldn’t tolerate being gaslighted or accused of having mental disorders. It was painful. I cried so much and I miss him sometimes but asking myself all those questions from the article above make me realize that HE was not for ME.
I miss the good times and the happy days but those are long gone because it was never authentic. I’ve come to find out that the same exact thing happened with the gf before me. I guess I’m not the problem.
So sad. But I’m happy to be a part of a community of women and warriors who respect and honor themselves to know they can be treated better, to know that although we cannot see it – the future holds something better for us. And that getting comfortable in the uncomfortable is NOT an option. Thank you
First love is an amazing feeling of life.
I just broke up with my on and off again ex. The constant Boyfriend then Just Friends game was wearing me down..
She really started acting different and I asked her about it but it always ends with Nothing…. Or okay……. But I realized what always goes wrong we we use to be on and off. After reading this at random it sung to me and I’m making changes right now.
I slit up 8 months ago after a 9 year relationship it still hurts today but doesnt help be seeing him local you. He wants me back but my gut is telling me that he will hurt me again .we have been off and on for the last five years now .don’t no how to just let go but need to .
I just couldn.t deal anymore wit he complains,gossip and trying ho fix me from my friend. Oud contact just fade out. My husband stil hangs out wit her husband,that’s hard feels a little like betrayel,but he can do wat ever he wants.
A chance romantic meeting with a charismatic guy with an Elvis smile. Too good to be true.. Well of course…. I was juggled around with 2 other women who believed they were the one… The most difficult withdrawal process… One week in bed with wine…. Sad songs and tears… One week in the garden; clearing weeds and digging. Amazing I started to feel better and stronger. The guy came around for a visit and I saw him differently… I was no longer hooked. I had drunk, cried, weeded and dug him out of my system. And a line I read – ‘Never give all of your love to a person – otherwise you will not cope with being alone.’ And I realized that I had done that and in the process had become needy and the love toxic. Now of course he is running after me hard out. And I feel free and at peace.
I appreciate everyone’s backgrounds and stories that I’ve read.
I’m struggling to cut ties with my husband, we were in love very newly friends and we married on a whim because he needed a green card and we thought we had very similar goals in life- but we really didn’t know or understand each other.
It turns out he was legally still married to his now ex when we got married and I found out after the fact, we now need to annul our marriage, my heart hurts, there’s been so much adulatory, emotionally relationship secrecy, manipulation and debt lies and he is now wanting to remarry again now w/o a bigamy title and attempt at filing for a green card. But still with all the bs and my family and friends telling me I deserve better and being a successful smart independent woman I can’t help but feel like I walking away and giving up on someone I never connected with greatly but whom I could have “had” a great future with I’m holding on to the “idea” of peace and I don’t know how to let it go and truly believe I deserve respect and greatness.
How do we remove our self hate and guilt even when we are smart enough to know we deserve better but we just can’t forgive ourselves and love ourselves.? How do we learn to love ourselves enough to feel like we deserve greatness, I hope to learn compassion and kindness for myself so that I can let go of this fear and be ready to face life with an open heart.
Thank you all for sharing I hope that your courageous acts of moving on will one day encourage and motivate me to realize I too can get past this and be free and forgive and love myself.
My boyfriend and I have been fighting off and on for quite a some time within our relationship and we have been together nearly 4 years. We can’t seem to have any serious or constructive conversation about our relationship without it escalating and turning into either me crying and walking away or him yelling a series of insults then storming off. I try so hard to maintain a level headed and open minded attitude when we start to fight but at times he is completely rude and hurtful and doesn’t give me a chance to speak so I can’t help but bear my emotions. Today I asked him to tell me if something was bothering him and he said no so I told him I only asked because I felt he was a bit distant and maybe upset. I also told him if hes feeling emotional and doesnt want to talk about it, thats fine too just let me know and ill drop it. I just genuinely was worried about the depressive state he seemed to be in this morning. He started by saying he’s having issues with his kids, money, job, and because our relationship has been having some struggles he is having a hard time dealing. Then he laid everything on me, apparently “months” off issues he’d been holding in about our relationship, claiming that he can’t talk to me so it’s all my fault it’s all balled up in the first place. And its because of me he doesnt even enjoy his days off anymore. So I just sat there and listened and tried to be responsive and supportive and asked him what I could do differently to be more supportive to him and to my surprise this seemed to set him off even more. Then he told me to fuck off. And I said that it hurt my feelings and he said… oh here we go the cycle continues you start crying and walk away…. and then I did. I couldnt help it, I told him it hurt and then he just rubbed salt in the wound. It made me feel like he just didn’t care about my emotions at all, go cry you big baby. He went outside. I put my jacket on and went for a walk to clear my head while seeking relationship advice on forums. I came home and helped out with the yard work for a bit without either of us speaking or even looking one another in the eye. Then when I decided to break the ice I told him if he is going to tell me to fuck off then it’s not going to be easy having these conversations. His reaction to me saying this, of course, lead to another fight. No easing into it just straight anger that i would have the audacity to be upset about this after what id been putting him thru emotionally for months. Apparently for him, telling me to fuck off was a perfectly acceptable way for him to communicate with me and he sees nothing wrong with it. He did say he didn’t mean to hurt me but it felt kind of insincere. This time it ends in him telling me it doesn’t work between us and walking away while yelling things from the other room like, “I told you it wasn’t a good time and you just keep pushing!” And “this is fucking ridiculous I have no idea what we’re doing together”. I replied back that if it wasn’t a good time I’d advise him to stop saying things to me that you might not mean that could hurt me…to which he slammed the door in the middle of my sentence. And here I am looking at suicide hotlines wondering if i should call just because I have no one else to talk to about this at the moment. I just don’t know where to go from here. Our relationship, our dogs, our home, and our life together are meaningful but is it worth it if were having these fights all the time and we’re never able to resolve them but just block them out to avoid the “cycle”?
I had to break up with a “best” friend who didn’t step up when I was sick with cancer. I overextended myself to her during her time of need, but when I was faced with life and death quite literally, her selfish narcissism rose to the surface, and although I loved her like a sister and tried to salvage the friendship, my emotional connection to her was severed. It still makes me sad but I know it was for the best to release her and her self-absorbed ways from my life, a life I fought so hard to save.
The weird thing I’ve noticed now that if someone is wrong for me, I get spots in a bad way all over my face and back. Its as if my body is trying to repel/uglify these men away from me because I’m hoping for something better.
Thanks so much for your supporting inspiration, just at the right time!
I grew up in an abusive & negelected home. I’ve been with the same guy for 3 years , and when I didn’t have food or clean clothes or I was being mistreated he would come and get me and take care of me. I have lived with him for over a year now and I don’t have a car or anything and I’m in college , so he takes me where I need to go. He has lied to me more than once about flirting / being sexual with other girls , which I consider cheating, and I caught him each time by figuring out his password on his phone / sliding it under his finger for a fingerprint . I also caught his friends sending nudes of other girls to him & he swore he deleted social media , but I found out he didn’t. He broke up with me for a while & we got back together , and about 2 months ago he swore he was going to a friends house to play video games . I FaceTimed him & he wouldn’t prove where he was & I heard loud music. He didn’t call me to tell me he made it home and he lied about drinking . I found out from a friend that he was playing beer pong and has been partying for weeks . We argue 24/7 and he swears he will change but he never does. He keeps his phone on silent, not even on vibrate, he has a privacy screen, and keeps his brightness all of the way down, I always say something to him about seeing his phone but he says no because of how I act. If I wear makeup, or do my hair, and dress up nicely , he treats me differently . The other day when I was at school I wore leggings and a crop top, he refused to kiss me and said he couldn’t give me attention when I wanted it from other people. He never goes anywhere anymore because I can’t trust him & I have tried to, but he disappoints me every time. I don’t know what to do because I feel like I need Him to survive and I feel like he is the only person that would do anything for me . Please help me with my situation.
How do you ever get over someone not letting you see your kids when you’ve done nothing wrong but love them.she was a cheat,had two abortions an says it was my fault cause she thought it was wrong letting me having to watch her raise two other men’s kids whilst she raised mine.she stopped me seeing my kids cause she said I was a scumbag and wouldn’t take her to court.as far as I can tell she’s just one Evil mess off a girl.being a dad just doesn’t seam enough and I hate my life without out my children.
Thank you all for the words. I now know what to do. I’ve been in a 3 month relations which was wonderful the first two months. He then started pulling away cause he says he caught me flirting. Now he has a lot of trust issues and since then I feel like I’m the only one in this relationship and that he has given up. I am the only one making any effort to see him. I feel sick to my stomach and cannot stand this anymore. I cannot even tell him how I feel cause he gets terribly upset and just tells me he had enough drama and shit from woman in his life so it really feels like I’m fighting a loosing battle. I was also afraid of another relationship not working out. I am 37 and never been married. But after reading all the comments I realise that it is not going to get any better, in fact, the longer I try the less time I am going to have moving on with someone who cares for me. Thank you girls …. I now know what to do.
It’s bteen 14 years in this relationship where I stayed with raising our eleven year old son. He’s adopted some behavior from his father and it’s time to go now but I can’t figure out how to. Moving to another state, maybe. A few years ago I met this incredible person, made me feel like death was approaching. Too good to be true, I’ve fallen in love. And I’m unsure of this since I have no clue what love is. I have learned that it’s definitely not what I’ve lived in these 14 years. Staying here with my son is not an option but I can’t seem to pick up and leave, he said to me in front of our son that if it weren’t for him we would be on the street. Things get rough when we argue sometimes but this is not what I want not how I planned to have a family. Please help
I feel utterly worthless unless I am in a relationship. I am now 47 and have wasted almost 18 years with the same guy who always put his beer before me. I finally sold our home and got out but after 4 months I called him and have been taking care of him again ever since, just over two years. We do not live together and he is now doing cocaine even after open heart surgery. Why do I feel responsible for him and why do I feel so worthless without him. He treats me like shit and I do everything for him. I wasted so many years with this person. I do not have children and feel washed up at 47. I also do not have any girlfriends. I am grateful to have found your website and will cling to whatever advice you give. Thank you
Nice it’s helpful 🙂 Thanks for sharing !!
I decided to cut a relationship with an ex boyfriend that made me unhappy and even though it was sad I know I did the best to protect my heart and my dignity. Also my anxiety started to disappear.
i wish i could understand more about my decision taking by getting much inspiration,its so encouraging to reading your article Kris.
I have just left a toxic relationship last sunday. I’m at a loss because I’m afraid that I will go back as I have numerous times before. I’m scared and I’m pissed off. worst is I have such a deep connection to him and my heart is broken. I can’t say he is an awful guy, he obviously has good qualities and there is even a part of me that believes he truly doesn’t know how he emotionally abuse me but its not all his fault. I HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO DO IT TO ME!!! Everything he liked about me, outgoing, upbeat, great personality, pure heart, he gas managed to steal from me in these last 5 years. I don’t know who Lori is anymore. o lol in the mirror and the o resin looking back at me is someone I have never incurred before. I feel lost, defeated, heartbroken. I hate him I love him all in the same breath. I have no money because I quit my job because I was accused if doing something I didn’t do and I quit him for basically doing the same thing. I have taken to writing in my journal which I used to do all the time until him. I’ve written things down and hung them up in my room to remind me how he makes me feel. He has no clue that I won’t be back because I have gone back so many times before and I’m really scared of the day that he contacts me when he realizes that I’m not going to come back of how I’m going to be able to handle it emotionally. How it’s being handled now, and the part I haven’t mentioned if it he is a neighbor of mine big mistake big mistake huge mistake and unfortunately I can see him out my back window that is how close we live together for the past 5 years I have basically lived at his home and have only come to my home to shower and get ready for work so even my home doesn’t offer much Solice. I feel like a scared little girl I went to go see a counselor but I have no insurance and only enough money to get me through my bills for next month. I feel like a hopeless cause. It has been a toxic relationship with a little bit of emotional abuse thrown in for the kick of it and I’ve allowed it all to happen even though I know I can’t take the blame completely I still wear that burden on my shoulders.
I’m still in the limbo….i love this man (been with him for fairly 6 years, of lies and cheating, but I don’t know why my heart says he is the one) last 2 yrs, the cheating and lies are gone (Or so I hope) but still his ex, mother of his kids is in the picture, we were living together but last argument I kicked him out, n now he won’t come back to live with me, he is trying to get a house to move in together, but my fears are back, and I don’t know if this is the way to go for me, please help me think.
I started dating my soon to be ex last summer. We went to high school together and reconnected on tinder a decade later. When we were together things were great, we had so much in common we would joke that we were twins. But then he started acting weird. Distant sometimes, and other times he was all about me. Long story short I did some digging and found out, after 4 months of us dating, he had a gf. We started dating while they were on a break. So many red flags!! This guy is obviously very selfish, is a skilled liar and cheater. And also very manipulative, turning a lot of things around on me and at the same time sending me flowers and love letters. After a few months of going back and forth, he left the other girl and then we we’re together constantly. After a month of things seeming perfect, he moved in my house. Now, two months later, he’s saying we moved too fast and he wants a break, but he still loves me blah blah blah. I don’t know why I’ve let him treat me like this and I wish I was strong enough to say ok fuck it, go. I deserve better. And so does my 8 year old son. And while my brain knows that, I still find myself checking my phone to see if he texted me. It hurts to let go but I know I’m the long run it’s going to hurt more trying to constantly work things out with him after we fight every other week bc of his issues.
I recently ended a 3 year relationship 2 days ago..but it feels like it isn’t over. Every time i try to leave the threats, harassment, guilt tripping, and manipulations start flooding in. He even uses our own dog against me and threatens to take him away from me. Even though i found him through a long, pain staking search through rescue shelters and paid for him myself. Throughout our relationship, he was unreliable. He was never there when he said he’d be, didn’t ever follow through with anything. Would do something he knew was wrong and then would turn it around place the blame on me. When i was calm, he would yell until i began to yell…then he would become calm and ask why i was acting so crazy and attacking him. We rarely went out to do anything fun. There would be days on end where he would sit on the computer night and day ignoring me completely, and when i tried to make plans with my friends to go out and just do SOMETHING..he would start giving me attention but also make me feel bad and tell me that he wanted to take me to whatever place i was planning on going to, and then we’d never end up going. The yelling, fighting, finger pointing, and manipulation, it never ends. It’s just been a non stop rollercoaster and I really hope that i can finally get off it without him terrorizing me every day for it. Sometimes I feel as if I need to just move far away to be able to get out and start over. Hoping for the best and trying to stay strong. All of your stories and words of encouragement are really helping me keep my confidence. Thanks : )
It’s been four years since I said goodbye. This article gave me courage, so thank you, Kris. But I still haven’t gotten over him. I’m still crying over him, so often. It’s 3am. I’ve been crying for over an hour cause I had a dream about him. All your good words are welcome. I think I’ll get over it, but how long will it take, I wonder? We’ve spent 11 years together. We were engaged. When I left, he moved with the neirbourgh and they’ve had a baby together since then. And I’m 37, still alone. I don’t know how to get over it… xx
I’ve been putting off letting go of a man who has been a pretty steady part of my life for the past year. He swept me off my feet, or should I say, he tripped me essentially. I’ve played the blame game, tried to help him with his inner issues because I can relate to a lot of them, bent over backwards when I didn’t need to, became the one who always initiated plans&started conversation. He’s belittled me one minute and says he loves me, how beautiful I am and how he owes me the world the next minute. I feel invisible and idiotic for sticking around this long. I am currently 4 months pregnant with his child due November 5. I didn’t think I could conceive because of what I’ve been told by many doctors over the years, so this is definitely a miracle baby. In the middle of all this (I’ve left out lots of details I’m not trying to write a novel), I do have a man in my life who has been a constant source of support, love and stability. My best friend and on again off again boyfriend for about 9 years now. He’s stuck my my side through thick and thin as cliche as it sounds. He’s had every reason to turn his back on me and leave and he hasn’t. I am very lucky to still have him around and have his support and love. He knows about the other man, since he and I split up and I moved out on my own for the first time last year. He doesn’t like seeing me unhappy and does everything he can to put a smile on my face. The toxic individual has provided nothing but temporary and false happiness. I still find myself contacting him recently, trying to get the support my child and I deserve but wil obviously never get. I am slowly but surely backing away and blocked him on several sites as well as my phone this morning. I know I’m stronger and better than that. My future daughter deserves better and all the stress I feel from the actions of this emotionally abusive person, she most likely feels and I feel incredibly guilty. I need to stay away and not look back, but with the pregnancy and him wanting to be a father one minute then saying he doesn’t want to be the next has really gotten my head all screwed up. I’m choosing for now to walk away as much as all of this hurts, I know it won’t get better. Sorry this was such a long post, but I figured I would get it out there.
You always hit the nail on the head. You are deep Kris… true blue heart and genuine… Love your honesty:)
Reading these is exhausting but productive: we’re peers, experiencing similar angst and release.
A tool from the Four Agreements is very helpful to me:
“To not take anything anyone says or does personally.”
That removes the need to react, respond or internalize another’s behavior.
It’s very freeing!
I was raised by a “mother” who used me as her BF and sounding board, rather than being able to maintain any type of adult relationship or be a mother to us: I became hers. She used an unhappy school environment as an easy way to abduct me, taking me 800 miles away, in a day.
I never thought of myself.
I was her personal “shrink,” but at age ten (or before) I was too young to understand emotional abuse. I was proud of my position and didn’t “get” how I missed out on having a separate identity or even a childhood. It took being hit by her to choose my father but I did in a second; leaving behind my pet and most of my belongings.
When I married, foolishly, at 18, my brother talked me into breaking my silence to her, to ask her to the wedding but it backfired: she wanted to break our agreed rules to bring a boyfriend so she was cordially uninvited.
She lived far away and we remained in touch by phone but that quickly ended at the moment she returned to dramatics. More than 30 years passed without her controlling anything about me, while she poisoned every other relationship she’d ever made or had by moving in and creating havoc. No one remained on speaking terms with her.
After I discovered a picture from our past posted on the Net – a query to find her “lost” family – my older bro. said to ignore it. I did but I was always afraid she would show up, move in and manipulate my new family; it was always in the back of my mind. I had lost my home, family, friends and dog to her, before. She had a rally high I.Q. and would tailor her game personally, for each victim.
She’d sent us each a very long letter (I never opened) typed at over 200 wpm.
Years passed, as did my aged father: he refused to have any notice made of his death, almost 40 years after their divorce, just so she would not find any way to be involved; I wasn’t the only one afraid!
I finally saw her obituary posted, on-line, called my brother and felt relieved. I didn’t realize just how much until later:
I was out in the yard, gardening, when I realized I was whistling a tune from the Wizard of Oz: “Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the wicked witch…”
Oh, my!
The witch WAS dead and she’d never met or even known of my chilren!
I smiled: I’d done well.
Now I am free.
It feels so good to read what you write. It takes courage to be who you are meant to be. Sometimes it feels too late in life”s journey.
Very helpful post indeed! I think it is better to end a relationship that is nothing but altogether dead. If someone is just not contented in any kind of relationship, it would be much better for him/her to say goodbye instead of making a surplus of effort. However, if there is any hope for the sun to rise, certainly one must do everything to save his/her relationship. Thanks for your valuable tips!
Hi am my name is Ify. Am 31and he is 46. We have been married for five years now. The truth is that when I was dating him till we got married. I have never enjoyed sex with him no romance, no chemistry. I hoped that one day the chemistry will come but it never did. I have tried to explain to him what am going through but he is listening rather he sees me as a corrupt woman. Seriously everyday the keeps on getting boring. I want separation from him but when I discussed with my parents they are not in support of it. Someday I see myself crying begging God to set me free from this marriage. Am so tired of it. We have a daughter.
Im scared to death, my bags are packed and getting ready to walk away from the one I love. I can’t handle the ls and the cheating. I am such good person, i don’t deserve this, but in the back of my mind, all i want is for her to storm through the door begging me to to go and that the changes she promises will actually happen. But i know in my heart it won’t.
My whole adult life.. Never thought about forever after. Until HE contacted me. Against my morals and better judgement. I let the walls fall to experience true love for the first time. I hate myself for typing this.. Yes. He is married. He told her about me. They have lived separate lives but lived together for their child. Wife handled it in a very upset manner. HE said he would divorce to move on with his life to be happy.. After I allowed our relationship to continue. Over two years. Hurting all that is involved. I told him it is over. He moved in with me but went back due to their son. Says he will leave and time goes on.. Always an excuse to not pay for the divorce. I hurt his family.. I will have to live with that. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused and for the pain I am in now.. It is over. Trust is gone. I felt since he was honest to her. That we had a chance. I let love come and I didn’t think about his family the way I should have. For that. I am so sorry and I can’t fix it. I wish I didn’t get involved. I wish I told him no.. I wish I was stronger and had him close that chapter of his life before getting involved. I wish it was different. I am ashamed for my decisions in this relationship and now how to learn how to heal from it..
I’ve tried to break up with my partner who has cheated on me several times and is a weed smoker who’s always going to quit I can’t trust him but love him I can’t seem to find the strength to leave as I love him yet despise him at the same time for his behaviour. What can I do to resolve this ?
I stumbled upon your wonderful article while trying to read more about how to end a toxic relationship. As it has happened to many other women out there, I thought he was the one. I was in love in such an incredible way, I even accelerated my process of divorce to start a new life with him! He was so sweet and caring at first, and then a year and a bit later, I found myself feeling diminished, with low-self steem, driving my self crazy about trying to sort out his attitudes and comments. It took me a while (and tons of tears) to realize somehow I ended up in a toxic relationship. I haven’t broken up with him yet. I am still scared and feel I will need more firm arguments to tell him this is the end, without him giving me a painful lecture about how stupid and wrong I am about leaving him. I am trying to be stronger to do it, and be again the happy and secure woman I was before. Thanks for sharing!
My ex left me 37 days ago. Our relationship was horrid. The lies, cheating, drug use and emotional and physical abuse. Everyday is a roller coaster of emotions. I have come to a point (after going no contact since the breakup) where I know its not a healthy, balanced relationship and that if theres any hope of finding happiness, I must let go. When I get off track by having some nostalgic thought I instantly look at the break up and tell myself that is the real relationship and not the nostalgic memory. It is hard but you have to retrain your thoughts. I dont think my ex is a bad person but I do think she was bad for me.
This seems more like a woman’s forum. No offense. I m a married 35 yr old guy. I feel stuck, many of the comments on here are identical to what I feel. My wife has 2 kids of her own and I have custody of both of my kids. I feel like there are different standards set for me and my kids vs her and her kids. The biggest is with her youngest. She can get onto my son 3 or 4 times in a few minutes for him not doing anything immediately. But her youngest will do something and as so as I mention that doing that it isn’t right, my wife will get angered and tell me I didn’t back her up while getting into my son , so why should she have to say anything to her daughter. I hope that makes sense.
We both work. I work 50+ hrs she works 40+ I come home cook dinner clean up do laundry etc. Getting her to help is a pain in my ass. She says she shouldn’t have to due to her working all day. Wth
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This is so timely and exactly what I needed.
I recently had to end a friendship that was becoming very toxic in my life. My friend had battled cancer this past year, and I tried my best to be there for her everyday from 3,000 miles away. I checked in with her every day either by phone, text, or email. I was a listening, nonjudgemental ear, and a cheerleader. I sent cards, letters, words of encouragement, and thoughtful care packages. I spent the majority of my time worrying about her, praying for her and thinking of ways to lift her up and make her feel loved. I deeply felt her fears, disappointment and stresses and genuinely rejoiced in her victories along the way. I visited her every time I came back East throughout the year. One time I went two days without reaching out because I had guests visiting from across the country. I received a text from her stating how crappy it felt that she hadn’t heard from me in those two days — a time when I knew she would be with her boyfriend and family. I knew then that I had sent an unhealthy precedent and realized that it was time to set some healthy boundaries. I had recently gone through my own dark time battling mental illness, and I know my triggers. I was overextending myself and it was starting to take a toll on my mental health. I kindly tried to set a boundary, but it was received poorly. After she completed her treatment and surgery, I began sensing even more tension from her and became the recipient of lots of passive aggressive text messages. I made excuses for her. She was angry. After all she had been through, she had a right to be. I thought it was misplaced anger and resentment and tried my best not to take it personally and stay strong and loving. But eventually each interaction I had with her started to feel toxic and heavy in my body. I actually felt constricted. I never knew where I stood with her and consistently felt like I was disappointing her, even though I tried my best to be there for her. I don’t claim to be perfect, but my intentions were good and loving.
I got engaged and reluctantly shared the news of my engagement. I knew she couldn’t be happy for me, but I didn’t want to keep the news from her either. A day later I received an angry email from her thanking me for the love and compassion I’d shown her over the year. However, she then proceeded to also list out all of the ways in which she felt I had wronged her. She twisted my words, drew false conclusions, and unfairly and hurtfully blamed me for much of the angst she felt along her battle with cancer. I was shaking so bad reading her words. She said she wanted to work on our friendship, because it was important to her, but at that point I already knew that this relationship was becoming extremely toxic. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I was a good friend who genuinely cared. While I appreciate her honesty and respect her need to unload, I did not deserve to be dumped on. It was a difficult decision to eliminate this person from my life, but ultimately the best decision for both of us. We all deserve to have friendships that feel healthy, despite life’s difficult circumstances. Although this has been painful, I know in my heart that I am better off giving my time to the people in my life who are grateful for my love and support. I wish my friend all the best as she continues to heal and know that she will forever be in my prayers. Nothing, however, is worth the price of my peace that I worked so hard to find after my own traumatic life experiences.
Kriss loved your post and just right now I am ending a really toxic relationship with an addict to cocaine and alcohol. I became his mother and was taking care of him all the time. I feel exhausted, drained and heartbroken because he has been so cruel to me even though I helped him in anyway. I had to put up with the fact he is dating other women, but he still calls at 3:00am looking for my comfort. Anyway, I am ready to move on and its been only 4 days since I left him, sometimes I have anxiety and want to go back to the same place, but there is a part of me telling me not to and holding me back. I feel so afraid of being alone but I know I deserve someone sane and someone who can really love me.
Amazing article. Keep them coming . Thanks for your time.
Loved it.
I have taken a break from a 30 year friendship with my best friend. We always agreed that our daughters’ friendship would not interfere with ours. I tried very hard to honor this agreement, but she could not. Over the years I began to feel like she didn’t like my daughter and she blamed my daughter for her daughter’s problems. I tried to talk to her about it. It didn’t go well. I didn’t know how to be best friends with someone who doesn’t like my kid. And she could not acknowledge that she treated my daughter poorly over the years. It’s been difficult, but I’m realizing she isn’t the kind of person who I want to hang with. I asked her to apologize to my daughter and she never did. We haven’t spoken in months. I lost my best friend, but am hopeful I will find people with the same values and beliefs as me. Thanks for listening.
Insane how bang on this is. I literally just stumbled on it and it’s like reading my journal. Excellent Kris I will be coming back, thanks!!
It does help to read other people’s stories but mine is waaay dif then what I’ve read here and at this point all I can say is I am really trying to heal I have been guilty of bad behavior and I’m the type that truly wants to learn from all the things I’ve been thru. However I’ve also continued to text him but its due to my belief in communication etc…. After reading some responses I am once again faced with the thought that he chose to be uncommunicative and that’s when the whole cycle starts over for me again. I go from letting go especially of the bad and my pendulum swings back and forth from the understanding & loving me that wants to share the things I’ve learned about my growth areas so he hopefully will see I don’t think I’m perfect and he’s the all bad dot com to coming full circle into bat shit crazy bitch….hhhhhh then I realize what someone commented about if they didn’t get it before their not going to get it now. On the real tho at times I can see how easy I make it for him to turn it all back on me….stupidity should hurt!!! Oh my bad…it does hurt….BAD!!!
My son 30 years old has been in a relationship with a girl for 17 years and its pretty much over and he now on a daily basis has these breathing attacks and pacing the floor horribly to the point that i worry about him so badly and what will come of it and what may he do he keeps saying he cant do it any more but yet wont go to the hospital or let me help in any way and if i do its not the right help what do i do and how can i help him im so worried
No one knows how miserable I really am. Married 37 years to a pastor. Always giving, sacrificing. Doing, being last, understanding that the ministry and people are always first. It’s all died inside me. I dream of escape but fear others. My life is agony and I dread each new day in this trap of a life. Isn’t this sad? I never thought I’d say any of this. I buried my only child, 4 years, on a Wednesday, and led a ministry the next day. We never grieved together. Duty was more important. Being busy helps But it doesn’t heal.
I answered yes to most of the questions on toxic relationships – and I kicked myself for not seeing it when I was in it! I decided to bite the bullet and call off an engagement to someone I was in love with – but the relationship had become so toxic.
I’ve rekindled so many friendships that were suffocated, and discovered friends who deeply care. I’ve even sparked off new friendships with both sexes, and it’s truly fulfilling not to have a suspicious burning on the back of my neck – the burning of guilt I felt when out with friends!
After the breakup – I was able to drink milk again (I was unable to tolerate it toward the end of the relationship), my stomach bloating went away, I started listening to calming music that I enjoy again, I stopped feeling so tired (which happened around my ex a lot) and I stopped drinking so much alcohol (which I used to do to numb my pain after seeing my ex)!
I’m in the recovery process but it’s so much better knowing, I’m not going to go through the toxic roundabout again and again, that this pain of healing a broken heart and re-wiring my brain to not expect heavy text messages and receiving blame I’m ignoring my ex during working hours. Liberation feels good, a broken heart does not – but this pain is better than the continual wondering when the toxicity was going to end! And I’m less stressed too!
Thank u for ur advise, today my heart is telling me to break it off with my cancer guy and he don’t want to listen to me. I m sorry is two years now and there is no progress. I m tired. He don’t want to make time for me but he said he got strong feelings for me. Now I don’t want it anymore I feel like he’s using me sex. Last time when I talk to him he said he don’t want to commit to these relationship because he still having problems with his ex wife and still demanding sex from me. I m Aries girl and I think we are not compitable.
Thank you for sharing this. I am heartbroken that deep in my bones I know that this relationship has to end. The grief and devastation are huge. I will try to remember who I really am underneath all this fear. I so wish it could have been different.
I am very sad right now. I thought a move to another state. Her home town. Would make things better for us both. But I was wrong. She is not happy here. I don’t have a clue. I have no clue what to do next. I like it here. I will not go back. I can’t walk away.this is my last try. I will make this move work whith her or whithout her. 30yrs. To find out. This is like oil-water.
This post was spot on. I just broke off my engagement and a sense of relief washed over me right after. Its weird because I am sad/healing but I don’t miss her very much. She was toxic in a sense that she never did any self examination or tried to self improve. Everything was my fault. I would have to break down in tears or walk out of the relationship for her to be willing to be compassionate or try to change. When I would attempt to set healthy/respectable boundaries she would try to “one up” me and kick me out of the house. Told me to come back home when I wanted to be a “man.” I started taking anti-depressants right after we got engaged-and I have never been prescribed any medication like that before. When I would express frustration or other things that were important to me her resolution would be “I will make that adjustment for you because your insecure.” Pick fights much?! Other times it would end in her telling me “F you” or calling me a “Stupid Ass.” She also had a child who I accepted as my own and was willing to give up my house, job and family for this person. Luckily I woke up and made a decision.
I am a 43 year old man and have been in a toxic marriage for 14 years. Everybody has told me to leave but I keep hoping that things will change. Particularly because I am a Christian I am well aware of the judgment that quitting will carry. I have been advised by my counsellor to leave, but I keep thinking that I will be letting my two minor male kids down (aged 11 and 8). They adore me, but they have been poisoned by their mother who tells them what a bad person I am. I am afraid that leaving will confirm their mother’s judgment of me to them. What should I do?
Hello
Most of what I read hit home – but “most ” is what’s getting me. I never thought of toxic as what I was dealing with and stumbled on this article tonight. I started dating a young single dad 13 months ago – I am a single mom (10 yrs older than him) both of us w the baggage of a very bad breakup. He suffers from brief periods of depression (hereditary) At the time we both made it clear we wanted no commitments. After 6-7 months – sex diminished. he would struggle to have an orgasm / stood erect/
Just couldn’t finish – and I believe the frustration of that made the desire diminish – I was patient and supportive. In the meantime – this man was doing so many of the sweetest things – he was thoughtful – he was spontaneous- we spent a lot of Time together – on the phone 24/7 – got extremely close – supported each other through everything – literally best friends – and he told me he loved me and I wasn’t going anywhere –
That commitment I thought we didn’t want – seemed to be there. This weekend I saw him out with a girl and it broke my heart – I left unnoticed- and dealt with it the next day – the next 48 hours were him swearing she’s just a friend – and why should be explain when I’m not his girlfriend ( knife one ) that led to me
Telling him I wanted more then friends –
He kept saying we agreed to no commitments (knife 2) and I said that while we were growing closer and closer my feelings grew more – he said how close were we when we weren’t together that much ( lie and knife 3) I said close enough for you to say you loved me – he said he was drunk ( lie and knife 4)
Now sex comes up – and seeing we really haven’t had it in months – I knew that this was not about friends w sex benefits.
I bring up how supportive I’ve been through his problem – -and was told he don’t want it w me he is not sexually attracted to me and shame on me if I can’t end this argument and go back to being his friend – then he ends it with I don’t love you – don’t have feelings for you – your not my type – I hate you for doing this and you suck –
So my last 3 days were toxic – I don’t know the whole relationship was – I’m hurt, embarrassed, self esteem gone. Confused, angry – -and the list goes on
I haven’t responsed to him anymore- and I don’t see any apology erasing what I went through
Thank you all for listening and sharing supportive words
Lynn
Hello Kriss,
I have a question if i may, i was married for 10 years, 3 kids and my wife at the time decided that she wanted to be alone and decided she wanted a divorce to better herself. She didn’t really to anything much but find someone else. Before the divorce was finalized she already had someone living with her and about 4 days after the divorce papers were signed and done in court she was already married to this new person. I immediately without hesitation began to date someone that made me feel not alone. Without going through the pain i was already dating this new person. It has been 3 years and now this new person has drifted apart and now we are going in 2 separate directions. We are days from breaking up and i already have another person that wants to date me. My question is, why is my heart trying to jump from host to host like a parasite? And please if you have any tips on what I should really do in this situation. My mind wants to be alone and go through the pain but my heart is trying to avoid the pain by hooking up with someone new. What should i do?
Wow! It has been over a year since I ended my marriage ov 18 years. The relationship deteriated over a few years. Kept trying to make it work and I kept saying this stress is going to make me sick. Sure enough it did. I was diagnosed with stage 2 melanoma. THANK GOD!! That was exactly what I needed. Ft
Rom that point things had to drastically change. I got my ducks in a row, lawyers, bankers friends and family. Bought out my husband kept my acreage ( healing sanctuary) moved my daughter and grandchildren in and started the healing process. Yes it worked! I went from stage 2-5 multiple organs effected to now cancer free.
During our toughest times it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Having faith and to truly believe you are safe and everything will work out, above all I love myself more than ever now
Growing up in a dysfunctional can be tough. It is even tougher when you have two dysfunctional families with stepparents. I had an evil stepmom and a parade of clowns for stepdads. I always tried to think of ways to get rid of my stepmom but I never acted on any of my plans. I found that it was therapeutic to write stories that would lampoon them. I have a new story called My Psycho Family! It is free if you have a Kindle and Amazon Prime. I hope you enjoy it.
Great post, thank you Kris!
I have broken up in the past when I left a toxic marriage. My life feel completely apart and it came down to me to rebuild it- which I did! I left with nothing and against all odds I got back on my feet. Now I am in toxic work environment, which I’ve been in for 12 years and suffer from a painful neck, back and sciatica. My body literally feels rigid on the left-hand side a lot of the time. Leaving the relationship was something I ‘had’ to do for myself and my son, yet now I feel trapped and everyday I hate being there! So it would be great to hear others thoughts- is this a thing that I have manifested, another toxic situation for me to overcome?
I would like to hear peoples thoughts. I am 48 yrs old and successful. I was in a 6 yr relationship with a girl that I knew in high school. Immediately I knew she was insecure and always checking up on me. She was suspicious of me at all times. I lived about 45 mins away because of my job. She would break into my email and phone records to see who I was talking to. I am a very simple person, in that I like to golf, hike and spend time with friends just having a beer talking work and sports. We fought more than we didn’t and I would often leave her house and go back to the safe haven of my place. This went on for 2-3 years, at one time she told me to go find someone else and leave her alone. I did meet someone and when I picked her up, she told me she got a call from my ex about 10 minutes earlier. I could not escape her watch. She told me it would all end if we got engaged. I know it was foolish, but I called her bluff and gave her an engagement ring only to take it back less than a week later when the behavior did not change. Soon after this, she went through a nervous breakdown, quit her job, moved 500 miles away and then came back to the area in just 3 months. I helped her move back and was trying to be just a friend to her, but we always had an incredible physical attraction. She did not have a job and was nearing desperation, couldn’t pay her bills. She always blamed me for abandoning her by taking the engagement ring back. Out of guilt or compassion, I told her she could live with me until she got back on her feet. She did get a job and made great progress over the next 3 years. I paid all of the rent and food during this time. I took a job 4 hrs away six months ago and encouraged her to date, because she wanted more than I could give her. About a month ago, she met a guy and fell head over heels for him. Immediately, I was told that I needed to move my stuff out of the house we rented together (I paid the rent) so that she could move forward. When I reminded her of everything I did for her, the response I got was “that was your choice”. She said many times that she wanted a boyfriend that she could see several times a week. Yesterday she told me she broke it off with him because he was still messed up over his marriage. Then today, she said she told him she wanted to be friends with benefits. Why is this bothering me so much ? I know I am better off without her and have decided that I need to ignore her emails and texts. I still have to get a few things out of the house meaning I may have to see her one more time. I’m not even sure if this makes sense to anyone, but I just wanted some thoughts. thanks….
I was in (what I thought) was an amazing relationship. Right into college I met him when I didn’t really believe in love because of my own parent’s marriage. I had never dated either and decided to give a relationship a chance. To be honest it was nice, however the more we were together, the more demanding he was. I was not used to saying “No.” We got engaged 8 months later. That was it until the end of college when he wanted to move in together, get married and have kids. We had already talked about kids and I was not going to have kids until I was at least 29 (I am 22). The more time passed the more he wanted until I didn’t have strength to say no because he would get upset that I promised him a life and now I wanted to “back out.” Our last year was the worst. He physically hurt me and I forgave him. A little bit after that he (unintentionally?) has an emotional affair with someone. During that time, I had been sexually assaulted. All these things came back and whenever I would bring up his own part in my emotional and mental distress he would respond back why I couldn’t get over it. It had been “months.” And still I took him back. He started go get more aggressive and then asked me if I already wanted to get pregnant! I moved back to my hometown and got an amazing job where they treat me well and I love it. He got upset that I put myself first and that I didn’t put our relationship before my job. He called me selfish and that I had a dollar sign for which I would stay. He broke it off with me. At first I wanted him back because I missed him and I still love him. However, I learned very quickly that it wasn’t what I want for myself. I may be young, but I am strong. I have done more for me than he could ever do. I love myself and who I am becoming. I change every single day but in the end I am happy. I might cry once in a while and remember what I had, but I will not let myself be abused any longer.
Hi. Thanks for your post. I made the decision to walk away from a toxic relationship that lasted 2.5 years. Because I’m determined to move on, I’ve been reading voraciously and taking it day by day.
Thank you for writing this. You just made 1 more woman move on 1 more day.
Great post. I just ended a situation that was toxic, even though I cared for this person, he didn’t feel the same. I wrote in my journal, and I was still dating other people, but on a platonic level. I deleted his number, email, and changed my number. I should have never opened that Pandora box, always go with your first thought, it will not steer you wrong.
Thank you Chris for your inspiring blog. I’m going through a break-up right now after 17 years of marriage and most of what you are saying is right on target. It is very hard to follow through, though. Letting go is never easy.
I ended a long term friendship 2 years ago. I can recognize the situation from the questions Kris asked. I debated with myself for a few years before I finally ended the friendship. I was very sad and stressed to try to speak the truth with my friend because I knew what her reaction would be. I spoke honestly with her and she has not spoken to me since and even ignores me if she sees me in public. If a friendship cannot take the truth, you don’t have much of a relationship.
I have come to learn – after many girlfriends and long relationships behind me – that, as Eckhart Tolle would agree, sometimes the people, that pisses you of the most, are spiritual teachers in disguise. They are put there to push your buttons, so you can grow – they are soulmates. But at the same time, as Elizabeth Gilbert would say, some people it is best to love them from a distance – and as she also says, you might not want to marry a soulmate 🙂 (Of course it is possible to marry one – if both of you grow, and each one takes responsibility for their own feelings) No need to tell you that it is VERY HARD WORK 🙂 I think relationships are what challenge an push us to our maximum, regarding personal development. So hang in their – do your best – the rest is not up to you, its a job for the universe … 🙂
The timing of this is uncanny! Thank you so much. I have to let go of a toxic relationship, but I’m frozen. Your words are so deep and meaningful.
Awe….
Oh, Kris ~
So timely.
My mother is unequivocally the most toxic person ever in my life. When my children were babies, I accepted the reality that I could no longer tolerate her toxicity in our lives. I owed it to my children to parent differently. I owed it to myself to believe in me when no one else would. I maintained that separation for nearly 25 years.
Until she reached out to me on my birthday a month after my father had died. A dialog began, and age seemed to have softened the extraordinarily rough edges. Over time, a relationship was built, and she ultimately sold her home and moved across the country to live close to us in her twilight years.
The DAY she moved here, she began to change. The first year was a confusing blend of “isn’t this wonderful” and “oh my, this is increasingly familiar.” EVERY single question you’ve suggested we ask ourselves defines the awful relationship I am experiencing with her now/again. She has alienated my new husband and crushed our young daughter’s spirit time and again. I am honoring their requests for essentially extremely limited/no contact.
I have often attracted toxic people into my life. Small wonder why. Years of counseling and soul searching have led me to say goodbye to all of them, despite my concern that in all those losses and goodbyes, I was the common denominator. Still, each goodbye increased my confidence and growth.
Return to mother . . . We are moving into her third year here. She is non-ambulatory due to multiple debilitating health issues, and it appears her lung cancer has returned. She is opting to not fight it.
I’ve had to soul search. Deeply. Honestly. Repetitively. And I have had to decide what “I” could live with after she is gone. I generate my contact with her now based on my honest assessment of what will inspire the least amount of regret when she is gone. And I understand how much I will need to detoxify and heal after she is gone as a result of the situation.
So, I know it’s time to say goodbye to this relationship, but I have accepted the caveat of needing time for that ending to play out naturally with her eventual passing.
I cannot begin to tell you how this post resonated with my heart. I needed so desperately to read it and all the comments. It was a breath of air. It was permission and acceptance. It was a moment to right my shoulders and reinvigorate to carry on.
Thank you to you and the Universe for delivering when needed!
Michelle
I’m about to break up with a business partner and friend. She has instability issues that have only gotten worse, that I canno address without losing a day and a half to help putting her back together. Or just move on with work without her, which, quite honestly, has never been fair to me. The other night, I screwed up. I needed to talk about our partnership and what the next phase of it was going to be and I felt like I was being given the run around – AGAIN. And I lost it. I broke all of my own rules of communication, I just had had ENOUGH. I stayed away for days, waiting for the calm to return to my mind when I thought of how I was going to talk with her and resolve things and apologize and move forward, and that calm never came. And she egged it on with her surly messages about how everything is my fault. It’s not my fault. We share responsibility for even how the blow up went down. If just once in the last 3 years of working together I had been able to be honest about my feelings of frustration over managing her while trying to also manage our clients, if just once I had seen behavior change afte the apology… but that never happened. Now, I am trying to figure out how to walk away without finding a knife in my back.
So there are alot of people dealing with breaking up/divorce without children involved….and somebody brought up the “what about us with children” First of all, I have always believed and had the same set of standards that Kris has just written about….the checklist and zero tolerance…been mindful if who gets the honour of being in my circle type if thing.
But I’m an now faced with a new experience that causes me to not be able to follow through with those standards with current husband. I wondered if anyone else in in this situation…..I agree that it can often be worse for the kids by staying two unhappy parents…..but my situation is that things would be worse if we divorced…..there is no way I could divorce and be happy not knowing what is happening to my child….if we divorced the evil would come out and he would collaborate with his evil parents….while we are together I am always with my child and here to protect….not physical abuse…..but it would be a mess a buffet problem and the child would not be in a better situation……so there are circumstances that cause a parent to have to stay….safety of the children in different ways. Yes it is sad to also have to sacrifice the greatness/happy that I deserve…..I remember it and long for it….but I would never sacrifice my child for it…..with that said I wish I could find the support and helpfull ideas in making the best of a not so good situation…..because us mothers are out there….we get shamed and given up on….and others even treat or accuse you if not caring about your child…..clearly and thankfully they’ve not been in these shoes…..and I personally an one that nobody would ever imagine being in this situation……
My body is in chronic pain especially neck…..and I am very in tune to my body….it’s absolutely from the stress….
I do everything I can to make the best of a situation….or do happy things….get movement in every day…..etc….I’m definitely wilted and somewhat live through and dream about those other couples I see that look happy or blog about it etc… when I’m at my worse the music goes on and us kids dance in the kitchen! 🙂
In meantime I keep being just a Lil hopeful that my husband will finally hit so hard on the bottom that he finally see what’s in front of him and decides to take control of his life…..mend the breaks in our marriage start apologizing owning it etc and work on his behavioural issues etc….so we can start truly living in joy and save this family.
This could not have come at a better time! I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years with a man who never had my best interest even as second string. His were first and I just needed to fix mine to put his first. I did exactly this. I’m lost now because for the first time I have to think about myself and it’s hard. I have to take responsibility and there is no one to blame for good or bad things. It’s only myself and my dog beans. I’m 32 and thought we’d be married with children and now I’m left trying to build it all anew. That’s scary. I cry a lot and work is so hard (I’m an OT in special Ed) as I’m expected to care for so many children and I have little care for myself. Thank you for you’re beautiful reminder that I am resilient!
You are a caring person and think more about other people more than yourself.Making other people happy makes you happy,dont ever put your self down because off this an one day someone will come along and love you for this and give you the same love back.
I am engaged, annd am getting married NEXT month!! Woah!! I love my boo so much – he makes me so happy – always making me laugh, supporting me in whatever I work towards, is so affectionate and loving, I could go on and on. I guess this article resonates with me because i find myself wishing that I could change little (little-ish?) things about him that I feel are causing me to not be my most physically healthy self. But I can’t tell if I just need to be stronger and focus on myself – changing and improving from intrinsic motivation, OR if being away from my boo is what should be the solution. Agh!?!?!? Also, I feel negativity from certain family members and friends about him and the upcoming marriage, but I can’t tell if it is in my mind, OR If it isn’t in my mind but I should say, “who cares what other people think if I’m happy?” OR if it isn’t in my mind and I should do something about it.
How do I differentiate between what my honest heart is trying to tell me and what my overactive, worry wart emotional brain is telling me? Ack!
I can’t believe how timely this is! I’m in the middle of a breakup of a 5+ year relationship. Kris, your advice is just what I needed. Although the pain is heart wrenching, I will not comfort myself with food!
Exactly the message I needed today. Man, why do we forget…… Thank you for the reminder. I really enjoy your writing and message:-)
Oh yes, this is something that resonates with me. And I have left several times (3 if you want to count). The first time was the hardest. And I stayed for many years past the ‘used by date’. Having done it once, when I recognized the signs the next time and the next time I just got out. Sometimes not quite that quickly and the last time I had a toddler which changes things significantly. Having walked away from a marriage of 7 years never to see my ex again makes moving on so much easier. Walking away with a child and having to deal with your ex every week is a different story. But each time I felt free as soon as I left. My mood picked up. I got happy again. The first time my grandmother thought I was on drugs my mood improved so dramatically after the first week of tears, self recrimination, and feeling of failure – I was, and still am the only member of my family who has divorced, who has left another relationship, who is a single parent. But you know what – it doesn’t matter. I am me. I am happy. My little boy is happy (& involved with his Dad). I have stepped out of my comfort zone several times and it does wonders for your soul so don’t fear it – there is sunshine over the hill.
This year my job has bought feelings of being in a bad relationship (probably worse truth be told as I love my job). I imagine it is a combo of crazy hormones & overload, overwhelm. I don’t want to walk away from this relationship but it does need changing and I have stopped tending to myself so I have made plans to adjust my role and signed up for Crazy Sexy You – my treat to myself to get my mojo back. Can’t wait to get going!
Kris, you are on top of your game! Thanks for posting!
I wish I could read this post when I wasas in my forest fire!
Anyhow, everything is just the way it is for a reason:) and here is the scoop:
It is solely our responsibility to take our life and happiness and uniqueness in our own hands and act. Act upon our authenticity.
Usually strong and endurant people think that suffering and being in a challenging situation is fine and normal state of life. Yes and no… We are all here to learn to go with the flow! The loving flow of acceptance and being true to our authentic, to honor and accept our inner self and unique beauty. And the best news is that our body signals us all the time.
That was the case with me. When it became unbearable, then I had no other direction but to turn around and exit!
I took the self care path and since then all is fine! I learnt to preserve energy and honor my mind and body!
Life is to be fun and easy. Sorry to break the news: the only control we have is our behavior and thoughts!
So be nice and kind! Be greatful for what you are and hop in the driving seat of Your life! You are the best you could! Accept and merge in the lane you are comfortable and truly you! The universe is supporting us every second on our way. Life is a journey!
What I have learnt in 40 years is that carrying a backpack of options is useless. Instead of carrying them as a load I transformed them into a boat I use to sail! Sometimes the wind is less sometimes more… However I move with the flow and act upon what life brings. And guess what: it brings everything I create!
Let’s be conscious and aware of our inner self!
Be free. Be You tiful
I was sitting here, feeling a bit down (OK, more than a bit down) after ending a 6-year relationship 5 weeks ago when your email popped into my inbox. Thank you Kris – just what I needed! Even though I know that 1) I should never have got into the relationship and 2) that it had to end because it wasn’t making me happy, it’s still really, really hard. Deep down I know that my feeling of still needing him is just because I’m lonely. But I also know that I’ll get through this. I start on the Wellness Program tomorrow so that will really give me the boost I need. Thanks, Kris x
I cannot agree more. Recently, I’ve had to say sad goodbyes to several people (and their environments). These are people all with good intentions, but their negative vibes, constant but subtle put downs, armchair criticisms, expressions of ingratitude, unwillingness to learn and stay open minded, gossiping, complaining, inaction, etc.. etc… drained me. It took a while to see these traits and it was always disappointing to find out these were not one-offs, not mistakes, but part of ingrained character. Many of them were outwardly successful – some senior managers in the public sector, some business owners – but they sadly did not seem to be able to see beyond themselves, so self-absorbed that at times their actions harmed others. These were also people who were on autopilot, did not question their lives’ purpose, did not read and learn about others and the world around them, had very little self-awareness and their only goals in life were to get to the next level in the corporate ladder and where to take the next annual vacation. I found that my own negative feelings rose exponentially whenever I was around them. I became irritable, frustrated, and at times even angry, and certainly not the person I want to be. I watched these colleagues of mine and decided I cannot become them. Never in a million years.
They say you are the average of the five closest people who surround you. Life is too short to surround myself with people who – intentionally or unintentionally – bring me down. It’s not easy to say goodbye but it’s even harder to be consumed in negativity. The people I am surrounding myself with these days are positive, calming, nurturing, thoughtful, intelligent, kind-hearted people who embrace their passions. These are people who know what happiness is to them, and who strive to make their lives and those of others better just by being there, by doing what they do.
So I’ve said sad goodbyes to those people who in the end will chose their own paths, whatever and whenever that might be. That is their personal life journey to discover. And I now say a bright hello to the good, the kind and the lovely people of whom there are plenty of in this world and whom I am discovering every day!
I said goodbye to a group of friends several years ago, but I did it in a bad way, a really bad way – a nasty group email. I’ve had nothing, but guilt for probably 7 years now over this. What hurt the most, is that my friend of 20 plus years did not reach out to me who was very involved with this group. She was my person, my best friend. What I did was very uncharacteristic of my personality as I am usually thought of as the “nice” or “sweet” person. I have talked to other people and all of them have said the same thing about this group. Although, I know my reasonings were solid and I don’t miss the way that I felt around this group of people, I am lonely. I’m more of an introvert and I don’t make friends easily. I’m struggling a bit, especially lately. Unfortunately, I still have this heavy heart when I think about what happened and I’m having a hard time moving forward and making new friends. Any words of wisdom or compassion would be appreciated.
I’m honestly not sure how I feel about my “toxic” relationship. There are some things that I know should be a lot better than they are and really aren’t right. Then there are other things that I love so much about him that I can’t imagine being with anyone else. We have taken breaks, been single, dated other people etc. but we always end up wanting to get back together. To further complicate things, we both struggle with mental illness periodically. I guess I try to tell myself that at some point it really will or really won’t make sense and it will naturally evolve into whatever change needs to happen but it’s been 9 years, so perhaps that expectation is off. I don’t know. I don’t know how to actually make decisions like this. Sometimes I feel like I am in an impossible situation.
Thank you. This came at a good time. My husband is an alcoholic and we’re trying to sell our house so I Can get on with my life. It’s scary for me. I’ve never really lived alone. But I will have my 3 dogs.
Wow. When I saw this post in my inbox my jaw dropped because it was like a universe truthbomb delivered right to me. Since my breakup 2 months ago, my life fell apart. Throughout the year, many toxic friendships have fallen apart, too, leaving me mostly on my own in all senses of the word. In addition to that I moved home after graduating college with a *mostly* useless degree which means more grad school and looking for an entry-level job for now. 2 months later and I am just now mustering up the strength to get on with my life without him, without my friends I thought would be there forever. On my own. Picking up the pieces.. enrolling in a yoga teacher training program and applying to jobs..working out like crazy, feeding myself healthy meals, and meditating/reading/journaling/affirming like it’s my job. My heart goes out to everyone on here struggling with the same <3
Love this. It’s so difficult to make a change in a relationship no matter what type of relationship it is. Sometimes it still hurts years after the breakup but it’s necessary in the long run. We need to take care of ourselves and remember how important we are. Thanks for this Kris.
Thank you so much, first I answered yes to all your questions to ponder. Separated from an 9 year marriage. My husband had an affair and I was left to raise a 3 year old on my own. Last year was the hardest time in my life, and I am still healing and learning from this experience. Coming from a verbally abusive relationship from a man with some kind of personality disorder, I’m trying to first find a way to forgive but I know it will take time. Right now I’m working on loving myself again, and getting closer to my authentic spiritual self. Writing your feelings does help, but I would add to never read what you wrote days later because it brings all those feelings up all over again.
The timing of this couldn’t be better. Unfortunately, I am struggling with a toxic relationship my whole life… The one I have with my mother. She is a bitter, angry alcoholic and nothing I ever do or think is right. She has needed help coping with her depression, anxiety, and bitterness for as long as I can remember and refuses to even acknowledge she has any of those things. She has been a mean alcoholic for at least 10 years now, despite health issues and again refuses to discuss or acknowledge that she has a problem. She had repeatedly stated that she likes drinking and will never stop. I am now pregnant with my first baby (her first grandchild) and she has stopped talking to me for over 3 weeks because I got mad at her for smoking around me and left her house. She was sending me vicious text messages, which I didn’t respond to and when that finally stopped she started posting vague disgruntled things on Facebook. I even saw her once at the local park since then and she didn’t say two words to me. This is just one instance in which my mom has tried to sabotage my happy life moments. It is so clear to me that I need to cut ties with her, but it is so difficult for me because she is my mother. I always wanted the loving, caring, best friend kind of mother and she has never been that for me. I wish I had the answers and was not tortured by this.
Thank you for such a profound and thought-provoking post, Kris. I’ve been reading the comments and most of them are in regards to ending toxic marriages or long-term relationships. I’m struggling with ending a few friendships that no longer serve me. In the past year I have been on the traumatizing roller coaster ride of breast cancer diagnosis and treatment at 36/37 years old. I have changed quite a bit, physically and emotionally, and often times feel completely disconnected from friends and family. I have seen true colors and behaviors of so many people and now I am more than ready to let go of these toxic relationships. While being in cancer land I’ve realized that most of my friendships were heavily unbalanced, with me being the “therapist” and lifting everyone up, but draining myself in the process. It’s interesting to me how my boyfriend and I have been able to get through this horrific year despite my pushing him away to protect him from the ugliness and sadness of cancer. We’ve been through so much in so little time and we’re still going strong. Friends and certain relatives, on the other hand, are the ones who have left me feeling frustrated, angry, and abandoned. I’ve learned that I didn’t come this far in my cancer journey to let these limited, toxic people take my energy and joy. I decide who sits at my table moving forward and that is so empowering!
I just reached my last straw. After almost 3 years of being forced to accept his loyalties to his ex in the name if they had businesses together and being curved whenever they had “dealings” basically feeling like an outsider to the ex I just couldn’t take anymore. I cried so hard. It had happened again. I was disappointed. I had held onto his last promise that it wouldn’t happen again. He had manipulated me to get his way. I realized it. Everyone around me had warned me not to take him back as HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN. I went against everyone. Lied to friends that everything was great. They were all right. I looked in the mirror at my painfully puffy red eyes after I got home. He had no empathy, infact he pretty much said I was ridiculous. I was hurting. Had bad anxiety attacks for 3 days. Called off work. couldn’t sleep, heartbeat so fast, drank like a fish. Eyes bloodshot till I asked myself is this love? what love does this? the answer– none. It was time to go. to just move on and never look back. I simply let him know I was leaving the situation, asked him to respect my space and wished him well. I wasn’t made for that type of relationship. looking at my own face is what scared me. I had visible pain. Caused by what I lied to myself that was love. It wasn’t. its not easy walking off, for the exact reasons mentioned above. I just believe God has a better plan. I got tired of being hurt and disrespected.
Last fall, I ended my marriage of 20 years because my body was finally screaming at me to get out of what was for a long time a very toxic relationship. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is still hard. But I have never looked back. As a health coach and someone who strives to be healthy in every way possible, this relationship was the one really unhealthy thing that was keeping me down and making me miserable. I consider ending this relationship as the best thing I could ever do for myself. I feel like the real me again!
I finally lft my boyfriend of 3 years 3 days ago we had split up before and unfortunately flowers lft on the doorstep i love yous i need u i cant live without you was enough for me to take him back within a week it was back to the same crap verbal explosions. Being ignored for two days. Blah blah blah! Well thank god this time i realised he will never change and l was sick and tired of feeling physically and mentally ill constantly anxious tearful and every other emotion u have being with a toxic partner
I no im going to be ok and its going to be a bumpy path ive chsnged my phone number but he has put a note through my door to ring him even offered to pay off one of my debts well im very sorry mr tocic no more this time! Ive got alot of healing to do but already i feel stronger and know i can do this.
Friendships goodbyes
From her point of view, I was her BEST friend, family even…like her sister. From my side of things, I was her not her best friend but her only friend. Our friendship grew over 6 years and one day I fully woke up and thought to myself…ENOUGH! It wasn’t where I wanted to be and I felt so drained from every interaction. It was a process that lasted months. She still refuses to ‘let go’. I feel free and I understand now that in the beginning I felt sorry for her, that I didn’t speak my truth many times in order to ‘not stress her out’ anymore than she already was. I felt sorry that all her friends were dropping out of her life. Now I understand why. I am not the woman I was when we first met and when you grow, some people don’t like it. It was keeping me where I was and I was suffocating and I decided to take MY SIDE for once. Wow! Do what YOU need to do…for YOU! You owe it to yourself and you matter THAT much. No need to explain no matter how many times you are told that what you are doing is ‘unacceptable’. Thank you for this post Kris! xo
I am currently dealing with the ending of my 28 year marriage. I’ve always said when it’s been good it’s been really good but when it’s bad it’s been really bad. My husband has tried his best been good provider but there’s never been any fun in our marriage and my views, ideas never count. I’m at a point in my life (50 this year) where I’m starting to gain a voice and he’s not liking it, he is resentful of my life, friends, family. Any of my interests. I was a stay at home mother an wife for twelve years then decided to go back to school, my world expanded after that. I look back now and realize how many things I have given up because it wasn’t what he wanted. I’ve been verbally abused when he get angry and I think over the years it’s started to chip away at me, I started putting up walls a few years ago, nothing I do is good enough, he criticizes or corrects everything, so slowly walls went up, I stopped telling him about work, friends, family, because it would all come back on me. To trying and talk is useless it always gets turned around to him being the victim so I’ve stopped trying to talk, when councilling was suggested he said….. Well let’s site down first and discuss what we will say. He left me for a week in November, came back, had been sleeping in a separate roommate since January, left me again in May. My mistake now was to allow him to stay at the house while I was out of town this summer, now, he has the house, and feels he’s doing me a favour by letting me stay there. He also started having his paycheck deposited into a separate private account but “forgot” to tell me so again he had control in that I need to now ask him for money. I hate fighting, controversy and hurting people, my friends are telling me I need to seek legal advice and I know I need to find a place because living with him has become toxic, all those and my daughter getting married next year so I’m trying to keep peace but I’m slowly learning I need to fill start thinking of me and take the next steps, it’s just so very scary for me
I love this article, I remember when I first read it and was shocked to see how much of this resonated with me. It took me a long time to build up the courage to leave, but it is the best decision I have ever made and has opened me up to such happiness!
For me – it’s a job thing, an age thing, a social anxiety thing – in general – an all-encompassing fear thing. I stayed at the fair, so to speak, far too long, and while knowing that, I don’t begin to know how to leave. I no longer have my own money. I absolutely constantly picture an alternative reality. Actually, I can answer in the affirmative for almost everything on that list.
It took me a long time and a few attempts, but I finally got the courage to leave a 25year toxic abusive marriage. I went through a lot of backlash from him, but despite that I am glad I left And my freedom and happiness is worth more than the pain of staying for the kids and fear of being on my own. Then I got Breast cancer, but survived that, Actually I believe the long term stress of that marriage was a big contributing factor in getting cancer. Then my dad died of bowel cancer, and I thought, now that’s behind me I’m ready to go out and find someone to make me happy, but WHAM, I was hooked in by a narcisssist (a big one,) it was incredibly hard to leave him, but I finally listened to my inner voice that was screaming at me, and left. That was my big wake up call, I searched google n found Melanie Tonia Evans, did her NARP course and it really helped. I am now a thriver, not just a survivor, I am looking inwards at what attracted me to abusive relationships, healing my inner wounds and learning to love myself. Looking back on my experience, my advice if you are stuck in a toxic relationship is, don’t stuff down your feelings for others, sacrifice yourself for your kids or what others think. Your health and happiness is more important, and it will be worth going through some upheaval, because the freedom on the other side is so worth it. Don’t stay just because you are afraid of being alone or starting over, that is better than the pain of staying. Listen to yourself, no matter how bad something is, I always ask, what is the positive side of this, and what can I learn from this? I found many positives and learnt many things from having cancer! Be kind and love yourself, I hope this helps someone. Kris I think you are amazingly awesome and such an inspiration. I just love how you always start off your emails with Kind and loving words,and even though they are addressed to many people, It still feels so personal, I guess that is just your loving energy shining through
My best friend of 10 years has changed since having leg surgery. It’s been a year since surgery and he still very rarely commits to getting together, and texting .. He makes me feel guilty if I don’t reply to his texts in a timely manner or comment . But he never replies to texts anymore.. That’s why I don’t reply.:( I want to talk to him in person because he’s really hurt me but I can’t get his attention to do that. I’ve already been to the ER once because of all of this… What should I do??
hello survivor! i’m della and just about today i decide to end up my 3 years marriage with someone that i love unconditionally but he is toxic man/true taker nd taking me for granted..for 2 years i hold on cos i was pregnant his baby,and all i wanna do is complete fam for my son..but suddenly,i feel the nature guide me after i know he is taking me for granted,it was so loud and clear nd i try to listen and trus my gut..i take the courage to follow my instinct,and after i release by saying “i don’t love u anymore” i feel whole of my body is weak cos sum energy is release..my back,my neck and the most important in my heart i feel like a big river can’t stop for 1 hour!whoogh i did it! i don’t feel stress,i don’t feel nothing but inner peace,my suggestion the key is follow your biggest scare,example: u scare alone u go travelling alone..u scare to talk to him ,u go talk to him have the courage!it wasn’t that bad? i did losing someone but it reward by finding my self back..it seems worth it!thanks
Great advice. I’m happily separated from my personality disordered husband for about a year. It took me a long time to get to where I am and I’m still healing from this toxic relationship. One thing I will say is, no contact (social media too) is the best way I’ve found to detach yourself and love yourself again.
Glad to hear that it all worked out in the end for you! Keep your chin up, remember it’s your life! You are loved!
great website and blog to learn from, now I know I am not alone!
My toxic story is one that ended several times. He always had such a hold on my heart that I couldn’t let go. Twisted words from his lips gave way to my giving heart and soul every time. This time….something hit me that changed me. When you push someone so far that the love goes out, that’s insane. But, it’s what finally happened. I have never loved anyone like that before. I left over a month ago. My weight has sank to 80 lbs due to how manipulated I was. I am having to learn how to love myself again instead of giving all of me away to prove that what I say is real. 7 years of toxic manipulation and lies. I know it will take time. Hurt is unreal and telling myself to not try to make sense of it…just move on! I think the manipulation made it almost like a security. Sick as that sounds. My family really doesn’t understand due to the fact that they have never been thru anything like this. I am not giving up on me!! Keeping it going till I am better and more confident in myself. Due to the pain (broken heart and soul) I am learning not to blame myself. I use to laugh at others who stayed with relationships like what I was in. Until I found out what it was like to be blinded by love. Too bad he only brought me into his world because he knew how giving, loving, understanding, and forgiving I am. I am now doing all that for myself!
Hang in there and keep your chin up. It’s your life just remember that! You are loved!
try another technic my dear! keep focus on yourself and stop focus on him..read blog about taker man,abusive relationship,just keep diggin about toxic relationship and try to acceptance the fact that you can’t fix him,he only feel u are weak everytime u take him back!open ur eyes he don’t love u the way u love him..believe me after u accept the reality about him which hurts u the most..ur brain will find it way to respond the toxic out from ur body..because energy can’t lie! and our body can’t accept that kind of toxic..but LOVE is blind sometimes that the biggest denial from the truth 🙂
oh once again stop blamming your self the matter is not u but them..i have unconditional love..but there ate exist taker man who always abusing and taking his love for granted..so no need to asking why or blame it ur self my dear,i’m sure u can do it..good luck❤️
I’m reading Crazy Sexy Diet right now, went through a breakup with the same person for the 50th time in two years, did a Google search, read this article and didn’t realize until I got to the bottom that it was you. I freaking love you Kris Carr! You so totally rock!
So good and helpful. I loved it! I am going to quote you on FB and send them here to read. Needed this…thanks for writing.
Reading this post took me back a long way — into an 18 year marriage that was filled with abuse and self-neglect. I married my high school boyfriend after finishing with my bachelor’s degree and the first few years were great. Then I became pregnant and the relationship was not all about my husband anymore. It was a slow and painful progression into “never-enough” land. And then one day, he left me. And it was the best thing that could have every happened. I didn’t have the courage to leave, but I did have the courage to say never again. Especially when two months later he wanted back into our relationship. I had spent that time alone getting re-acquainted with myself. I rediscovered who I wanted to be, what I wanted out of life, and those things that I was not willing to give of myself to save a relationship. I also discovered that I was, in fact, ENOUGH. Fast forward 8 years, and I have a new lease on life, a new partner, new vulnerability, and love — not just for a wonderful man, but also for myself.
I´ve broken out and truly forgiven him but mostly myself for letting myself be violated on different levels. I even managed to thank him inwardly for the teachings we both gave eachother. During this time of my life, I had some serious spiritual practise-help for the proces I was going thru. It only came about when I was ready -no pressure. It was a miracle and brought me to a new level. I realeased “him” with love and respect so he also was free to move on. There can still be love, it´s just the “hooks”/ the addiction we release, was my experience. All these years later I´ve met him again and got pregnant and had two kids: A whole nother story. Now I have to forgive him for something as heartbreaking as witholding my children from me. Can´t get my head around it. The concept of forgiveness provokes me in this context so I feel far away from forgiving. I´m not in the same spiritual reality as I was back then (Then the ordeal probably would have never happened.) I have awarenes that there is such a place however. I love this peace you´ve written Kris, because it speaks to the state I´m in now so I can still work on it..
This is literally foolish. Our feelings and fears shouldn’t be the deciding factor in our choices. That’s like asking your friend that you talk about mainly hard times with what to do? Why do woman share their frustrations so much more freely than their joy? Victim card, a safety net, personality disorder or simply because our modern age makes us all bored quickly, TV paints images of what a relationship should be. My girlfriend would watch reality TV, relationship drama TV and then think her moods wouldn’t be affected..
I dated this lady for 16 months and have not trusted her for over a year. After 4 months, I accidently stayed at her place (she got mad) during a weeknight. She got a booty call at 2:30 am. She said she had to stop that. Then I found condoms in her purse 5 months later. There are several nights during the week when she won’t answer her phone. I was being manipulated and was only able to see her when she allowed me to. But I normally stayed there on a Friday or Saturday and sometimes both. I got drunk and finally told her off 3 weeks ago and I’m not turning back. She hasn’t called me and I’m moving on. I’ve never been with a deceptive woman but at the age of 55, I can’t allow myself to stay in this toxic situation. I was always looking for her to call or text. I was in love with her but it was unrequited love. She was using me and it took 16 months to finally stop the pain. I have many more weeks of healing. I lost my identity and self worth. I quit playing golf and fishing. Shame on me for trusting someone I already had suspected of being deceptive. I never caught her cheating but the signs are there. I’m glad I got drunk and told her off. I will find peace with myself and someone who will appreciate me. Thank you for your article.
hey, i found this article through google. i’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. long story short, it’s gotten to the point where people in my world are concerned that he’s manipulative and has ill intentions. it’s hard to accept it when i hear it, because i still love him, and i’m more or less financially dependent on him for survival right now. i’m feel trapped and i’d like to get out. my parents are also pretty broke right now, and most definitely can’t afford me moving back in. i guess i’m asking for advice on how to cope with the situation, since it can’t be changed any time soon.
Maybe start meditating every day ,set the clock for 15 min ,thenafter a week 30 min.start every other day, then everyday.Just watch your breath or check out Vipassana. If you can manage. Is there a free counseling option in your area? Just so you can put your concerns into words. Someone that is not your family, so you wont get confused who is manipulating who or judge your love for him. Finding your own truth. If you already know he isn´t the best for you but you do have feelings for him, either try to work out your issues together , counseling. Or work on seperating the things you are dependent on him for (fx money) and your feelings for him. He also doesn´t deserve being with someone who is there for mostly financial reasons. And you can´t expect to get more in return than you yourself are willing to invest. Be honest.
I disconnected with my mother, step father, 4 (1/2) brothers and 3 of their wives, 10 years ago. No regrets. Very close to one of my sisters in law who has treated me better than my blood family. I think one of the big taboos still existing in our society is disconnecting from family. Still feels like a big no no to a lot of people. Thank you for this article. It’s rare to see one that includes letting go of toxic family as well as other relationships.
Hi, I’ve been in my relationship with my fiance 7 half years now! When we first met I knew he was the one I had been looking for, before we met I wrote a list of what I wanted in my soul mate and he showed up, however it wasn’t a fairy tale for us we fell pregnant 5 months later and lost our 1st son in Labour in 2009 it was devastating, blame guilt shame everything manifested in our relationship and we tried to work through it with personal development, energy tools and counselling! It took me a long time to heal from my grief not fully but enough to start to become more conscious however no matter how hard I try to be his saviour I find myself drifting apart, it’s a shame because we never really got to know each other, the grief of our 1St son took priority! He has been trying so hard to make it work his values are with good intention he supports my life purpose and doesn’t want to leave me, I feel our relationship is toxic, it’s draining, we argue all the time and fight infront of the children, first we blamed it on grief, perimenapause, food sensitives etc. It’s taken me soul searching, Reiki, Eft, clean eating to heal my moods and anger but no matter how hard I try I just start hating the person I have become. Maybe it’s me I’m a highly sensitive and it’s just the way it is for me, I always come out looking crazy and he is so emotionally balanced! This is not the life I imagined we would have, it’s like he is willing to do the practical stuff but any emotional and he shuts down.
You just listed the point in the end “I always come out looking crazy and with any emotional stuff he shuts down”. Work on that. Find someone you both can work with in counselling together. Don´t take on all resonsibility for the negatives in the relationship even if you are sensitive. (That´s a thought I got when I was with an abuser of alcohol; that I was somehow the problem.) No no no, never the truth.
It’s so interesting how I hear what I need to when I’m ready! I almost skipped over this email because I was in a rush and I’m so very grateful I didn’t. It’s seriously refreshing to have someone just say what u mean…thank you.
My kids father and I broke up two days ago…the break up itself doesn’t bother me but the words we verbally said is what’s haunting me. We went tit for tat trying to say things to hurt one another till finally we both said stuff that I know we can never take back. I love him and I feel tettible bout things I said I eben reached out and apologized. I know me and him are toxic for one another we have a love hate relationship and I know seeing him with any other woman other than me will hurt me like hell but I really want to Let go and move on…we have been down this road before but this to me I’m tired and just want it to all go away. He always move on faster than I do, he find girlfriends meanwhile I sit back cry, be hurt, and never seem to be able to just put myself on display for men. I read this passage and I think this will help me. No matter how hard the journey may get or how much I love him I am ready to ONCE AND FOR ALL LET HIM GO FOR GOOD.
Your comments were most inspiring to me. Quickly my spirit felt high on the ride! I love your transparency; it feels fresh, light, truthful and authentic. I resonated with the vibrancy of your spirit. You are a light! Keep on shinning; it suits you! It also feels warm & loving without pretense. Thank you & Namaste
Good day. I have spent 3.5 years with my current gf. Idk how it has been this long. We seem to feed off each other . We have fight where it’s so stupid , over dumb stuff. And it gets horrible. She tells me I’m a bad role model for my kids (previous marriage ) and I’m nothing, wOrth less and knw one will every want me and my “baggage”. And then we both name call and have a red hot temper. She knows it yet provokes me to the point where I can’t hold in my angry any further. Then flips on me making sure I know how big of a p.o.s I am. And that it was all my fault. It’s to the point a simply ” no I’m not ok with something and doing that I won’t mention” to a ” I do all this stuff or u, I just want to have some fun with my friends. I wish u were more chill. “. Deep down I know it’s not all my fault, I’m not perfect, I have flaws. We all do. But to completely melt down over something with a simple ” I respect ut opinion. And I understand how u feel” turns in to a ” f#$@ you. I have a dad I don’t need anot her one.I’m going to do what I want . I’m a free spirit. Don’t forget ur shits in this house”. ( I work out of town for a reason) I just can’t seem to get away. I say ” leave me alone. I’m done. It’s over ” and then some how get roped back in for another week or two. She dosnt leave me alone. Like saying” I will drive into oncoming traffic if u don’t answer your god damn phone”. Wtf am i suppose to do ! Is she serious? Is this just to see how much I still care? Just to bring me back in to rip Mr apart again? Idk! I pretty much abandoned my friends, so I got no one and my family’s not much help. Idk what to do. But something has to give. I have a huge heart and care for almost everyone. Maybe thats my down fall, my problem. I have no idea. But there will be a time where I will explode. And it won’t be good. This happens to bother sexs. Most men who are in my situation keep it locked up deep down inode, bottled up. Ca use its “the man thin to do” screw that! Im trying to set up therapist appointment to see if it will help. I literally don’t know how to get out of this . I’m trapped. Cause we some one say I know people who will pay u a visit. U take that seriously! Just trapped
Dear Wally
I feel for you. As one human being reaching out to another. I would like to try to help , as I can see that you’re hurting and confused. I think you may be in a relationship with a narcissist who will control you bring you down… maybe they have emotional issues of their own that are impacting and sucking the life out of you…. Please read these articles : http://www.worldcrunch.com/culture-society/power-and-seduction-how-the-narcissistic-pervert-always-gets-his-way/c3s5545/
http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/Emotional-Vampire-survival.htm
or maybe google NPD and abanonment… It’s a real eye opener… I feel its the confusion you’re feeling that is the problem?
I’m speaking from experience … Your…… “I have a huge heart and care for almost everyone. Maybe that’s my down fall, my problem. I have no idea. ” – I’ve said the exact same thing… but I was too patient by far and I waited much too long and my health suffered as a result. Not everyone is as open and honest as we are!
Listen to your gut instinct… about this relationship… Take action accordingly and don’t look back!
You’re a really good person, I can tell, and you deserve so much better….
I really hope this helps with feeling trapped, making sense of it all, and helps you to find peace deep down in your soul, b
Good Luck!
Thanks to Dr Adams.. I want to testify to everyone how Dr Adams saved my marriage. I got married to my husband about 4 years ago we start having problems at home like we stop sleeping on the same bed,arguing about little things he always come home late at night and sleeping with other women. I have never loved any man in my life except him. He is the father of my child and i don’t want to lose him. Few months ago he decided to leave me and the kid,being a single mother can be hard sometimes and so i have nobody to turn to and i was heartbroken. I called my mom and explain everything to her,my mother told me about Dr Adams how he helped her solve the problem between her and my dad, they were divorce for 3years and Dr Adams restored their marriage. I was directed to Dr Adams on his email: dradamsjohnsoncentre12@ gmail .com and explained everything to him,so he told me not to worry that he will solve it and make things come back to how we were, so much in love again and said my husband was under manipulation by a female controlling my husband. He said my problem will be solved within two days if i believe i said OKAY. So he prayed and did miracle for me and after two days my lover came back on his kneels crying and begging me to forgive him. Am so happy now. Contact Dr Adams (dradamsjohnsoncentre12@ gmail. com) for any kind of relationship/marriage problem.
I think the pivotal point – as if being told to f**k off twice in a crowded restaurant wasn’t enough – but finding myself continually asking for respect. As the rage of a public shaming subsided- complete with rigid stress in my jaw and neck – I knew it had to end. I wish I could say I bowed out graciously – alas not – rage was like a volcano. This had never happened before either. A more than stormy end.
I am in the middle land right now… waiting to be sentenced…very powerless position just because I have more hope for the relationship and hold on to more of the good part. but I feel really stupid… we have a long distance relationship over a year.. just about to move closer to each other my boyfriend’s dad passed away a week ago, and he decided to move east coast… that leave us with no option but to take some break. He told me he still loves me, but he can’t feel much emotion towards thinking about us right now. I can understand he needs time to grieve…but the way he handle us makes me feel very sad… there were also few occasion before this incident that he showed me that he is the type of guy can drop me without pain in his heart… I don’t know why I keep holding on because I believe he is good inside and just emotionally damaged due to his painful childhood… I think I have been making excuses for his behavior of being emotionally distance to me… yet, he was affectionate to me on our phone conversations and texts.. and when we see each other and visit each other, we did have a lot of good time.. He would drive 8 hours to come see me I would have thought that is love right? that’s what I don’t understand and couldn’t figure out if he is a toxic man or a damaged man… many times in my head I have the urge to just break it off… but it also feels painful, but I don’t know how to fix this relationship and make it back to when we started.. when it started was all exciting and romantic and silly and happy. How did we end up here?? where is constant anxiety that I have to bare on my own… no communication, no connection. I don’t know what he is at right now inside.. he is not breaking up with me, but not communicating with me either… it’s like he has no care about how this would make me feel… and I have to be the one to be understanding of what he is going through right now… and I feel bad to even think this way because I feel maybe I am not being unconditional or empathetic enough… maybe I am not… i don’t know…. This is defiantly a tough place to be…. I am trying to do more things myself and just not think too much about him… but I still do that’s why brings me here to read your blog…
Not sure how long ago you wrote this comment, I am just reading these. I am going through a similar situation, in a 6 year relationship. Difficult to discern what is the right decision. (We have not lived together as we are both raising our kids) We are in the same spot right now where he needs space to deal with his life/issues, but for him we are still in a relationship – hard for me to see/feel it that way. We are going on a previously scheduled big vacation in a week, not sure how that is going to go as we are not communicating right now except on the weekends. He is better at compartmentalizing than I am (work week vs weekends…). Not sure where the line is between me supporting him and what he needs, vs what I need and want from a relationship. And if he wants the same but cannot give it right now (he has a 10 year old…) , what do I do? I see our life together in the future but for now it is complicated and I end up sacrificing my needs to meet his, not sustainable. He also has childhood issues, so it’s just complicated and messy.
This is a great article.
I am going through this right now and it is so so hard.
Me and my wife have been together over 5 years and married for over 3. We met and it sounds crazy but there is a deep connection between us. Although we have this deep connection and I really love her the relationship has been one long fight. She will admit she is insecure beyond belief and very jealous. I am not the cheating type I was with my last wife for 18 years. The insecurity drove me nuts and we had many a fight verbally more than physical although there was physical abuse on both sides which I am not proud of and haev seen someone about this. When I did leave a couple of times in the early days threre were some very minor suicide attaempts by my wife and I felt sort of sorry for her. I have 2 boys who were 8 & 10 at the start and although they didnt live with me it did affect my mood so it did impact them.
It takes 2 although it can be more one person than the other but I feel my wife has brought out the worse in me and I am not justyfying my actions.
I just want to say that I agree that these types of relationships are the hardest to get out of and I think that is in part to a possible addiction to the kiss and make up part.
I have never been so low in a break up before but I know it is over and I will be o.k in time.
I’m in a relationship, with a man who never devorsed his wife,now going on 14 yrs. or more. I respect the Bibles principles on marriage.He has help me to keep afloat finacially. Knowing that this relationship is toxic, he has been for me in most difficult sircomstances,and I know our relationship is going on 4yrs. He is very closed to his emotions and doesn’t talk,past experience, much pain. Yet,what makes the situation more difficult we live in the same complex, he has a carminstic personality. I often feel raw and unprotected.I keep trying to move forward and not feel my life is a drama
JoeLinda,
I share in understanding your vulnerability with your charismatic man. I too was in a relationship/friendship with a man that has the same characteristics of not only the charm but also a history of pain. I was so blinded by his charismatic personality, his gentle touch, his ever so sexy smile and his contagious laugh that I ignored all the signs that I knew I was ignoring. He had that special way of making me feel that I was that someone special when we were together but completely dismissed me and my desire to be with him when we were apart. Over time I learned of his ever so cleaver deceptions though would question myself as there was no congruency with the way he treated me when we were together and the way he dismissed me when we were apart. It has taken me years with the help of loving friends and God to heal the wounds this man created in my spirit and soul. Each day is a new awareness of how my own unhealed wounds of my past allowed him to captivate me with his charm, wit and larger than life personality. Maybe you too can find the following website helpful in recognizing some familiar traits with the man you have been involved with over these past 4 years. http://datingasociopath.com/ (very informative under the tab – Is he/she a sociopath? – Recovering & healing?) I do hope you find your peace.
It’s hard when the toxic relationship involves family. I finally decided last December that I was going to end it with my mother. It really didn’t go well and ended up leaving crying as usual, sadly.
After 28 years of dealing with this, I’m tired of being bashed for everything I do. It makes me feel that I do nothing right in my life. From the time I was a kid, she would tell me how stupid I was, and that I wasn’t going to be much in life, because I’m just really stupid. This goes on through out my adult hood. I’m a loser for working in a factory. I’m a loser that I didn’t finish college. That the only reason that I get raises is, because I must just bat my eyelashes to get what I want. That I should be a ashamed of my self that I actually try to look my best. And yes, my mother has actually have said all these things to me and many more. 🙁
I don’t know. Last time I checked, I have been supporting myself just fine since I have been 19 years old. I make good money. I try to be the best I can be in life, but yet that isn’t good enough for her. Everything I seem to do is wrong. All I ever wanted was a mother who would be there for me, who would love me and support my decisions. A mother that would be proud of me. Is that too hard to ask for?
On top of that, every time I go over there, it is the same story. So much tension. She complains about my dad, her job and everything else to the moon and back, and then comes back around to try to insult me for no reason. And when I say that hurts me, she comes back to say, “I’m just being honest.” I’m just tired. I feel drained. I’m tired of feeling upset every time I leave there. It sucks. I’m much happier not being around her.
When I told her that I was done, and that I don’t plan on coming back, she replied, “You’ll be lonely.” Funny thing, I feel lonely when I’m around you. I didn’t say that to her face, but that I was what I was thinking. I have plenty of people in my life who love and support me. If you can’t do that, then you shouldn’t be in my life in the first place. Heck, I’m even engaged with a wonderful man. So I’m not sure why she would even suggest that in the first place.
And to the people who are wondering whether or not to leave a marriage involved with kids, it will be better for everyone in the long run to end it.
My parents stayed with each other for too long. They spent more time fighting with each other then building a relationship with us kids. I felt like I always had to pick sides. My dad would complain about my mother and my mother would complain about my dad. We could never have a real conversation.
I’ve got to the point of my life that I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be upset all the time. Life is just too short. I don’t want to miss out on opportunities in life, because I’m being upset. So letting go of certain people is a must! I feel more free without those type of people.
I look at it this way, the more toxic people that you leave, the more room you leave for better people to replace them with. I feel like good things seem to happen to me when I finally put my foot down and just say no more.
Your right Kris, I do feel better for writing that out. Thanks! LOL #internet therapy
Thank you for this, Kris. I just signed up for your posts and tips and this was the first one in my inbox. Couldn’t have been more helpful or perfectly timed.
Has anyone here ever had to break up with their mother or father? My mother has some kind of narcissistic wound that makes our relationship all about her. My plea my entire life has been for her to listen to me, to see me (we are very different). I grew up with an alcoholic father and she just finally left that abusive relationship of 35 years last summer, four months before my wedding. My husband and I just had a baby 2 months ago (got pregnant right after the wedding! Hello, 1955 ) and since my baby has been born, my mother’s inability to respect boundaries has gotten so bad that I had to just shut her out completely. Blocked all phone numbers and emails. We had to move at the end of August (for reasons not related to her) and have a month before our new place will be ready so we are staying with my grandfather (an healthy, vibrant and amazing 94 year old!!) until then. His house is very close to where my mother lives so she has taken advantage three times now to “stop by and say hi” though I never reached out to her or told her I wanted her around. When I said this, what was her reply? “I just thought you’d like to see your mother.”
I don’t know how blocking every form of communication makes someone think you want to see them but the short of the long of it is that my husband has reached his tolerance for hearing about it and dealing with it (she texts him when she can’t get to me though we’ve asked her not to). I’m so grateful he pulls me back to see the picture clearly: if we are near her, the drama will continue, our clearly and repeatedly spoken boundaries will be violated and it will keep straining our relationship. I’d be sad to hear of others who have gone through this but am hopeful I can find some solidarity with someone here on this experience. I know I need to keep my daughter safe from the narcissism and if I keep having this “STAY AWAY FROM ME” feeling in my gut, then for my own health and well being (and ability to be a rock for my daughter) I need to steer clear too. But the guilt she lays on me! (And I guess on some level, the guilt I accept, right?) Thanks in advance for reading this. I’m often amazed at the connection I find on the Internet when reading these types of posts and comments from sister readers! XO
Have you come across the site http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ yet? (A general google search of ‘daughters of narcissistic mothers’ also brings up some other helpful sites.) My sister’s psych recommended it a few years ago. While mom treated my sister and I opposite (she the golden child; me the scapegoat), we both found info on that site that helps. Learning the pros/cons of going low contact vs no contact can help you decide what’s the best fit for you – though getting those boundaries set can be difficult at times. If you can find a therapist that specializes in NPD, that can also help. An online support forum can also help (or just reading others experiences like those posted on DONM) Good luck – it can be tough, but you’ve gotta do what’s best for you and your family.
I have just ended a four year toxic relationship, where my needs were not met, the man was everything you wouldnt look for in someone, selfish, uncompassionate, arrogant, egotistical with no regard for anyone but himself, we moved in as 2 step families after a year and thats when things started chang18 mths ago i made a mistake and kissed a good male friend and ever since things kept happening between us, i was able to identify why this happened but not able to stop it even though i adored my bf who was making my life miserable, i eventually plucked up courage to end it 2 months ago, i was wracked with guilt and completely down, i knew things would never change i had cried to my partner so many times of how i felt, i knew i couldnt be in love with him anymore or i wouldnt have feelings for someone else, i discovered after counselling and reading numerous articles that what my feelings were for my bf was an addiction he was like a drug to me, and giving him up has been just like giving up any habit, i am getting stronger day by day, but i think a lot about him, wondering what hes doing, he had over 10 chances from me to try and help with the problems we were having, when he thought he was losing me he would change for a couple of weeks then everything would go back to how it was before, he hasnt lived with me for 4mths and weve been apart for 2 months, i am seeing the friend i kissed and he adores me and is the complete opposite, i worry because i shouldnt still be thinking of my ex but i guess its normal and im just grieving, wanted to share my story, because i have found peoples experiences helpful to read and also its therapy for me!
I have been trying to leave my alcoholic husband for about 10 years (we have been married for 21 years). He kept me isolated from my family and friends to a point that I only knew a life with him. It has taken me 10 years to reach out for help through counseling and finding new friends. We have been separated for 10 months now and in order for me to get away from him initially I had to go to a shelter because he would always stalk me if I left him and I had no friends or family in the area to go to. Or he would threaten to harm my animals ( we have no children together) He actually killed one of my cats one time when I tried to leave him, so leaving him again was very difficult for me because I always feared for their safety and I couldn’t take them with me. But when I was finally able to get away he just left the house where we lived and all the animals there so I had to go rescue them, but luckily I was offered a job with a place to live on a farm so I could move them there. To make a long story short he is now in jail because of drinking and driving and I have filed for divorce. I know when he gets out of jail he will continue to try to be part of my life but I now have the strength and good friends to help me through it.
Is it really OK, acceptable, to cut all ties with one or all siblings? I believe for the sake of my health and sanity that it is. I feel guilty and relieved, sad but content. Mostly, I think I feel truly free. It’s such a funny place to be; to feel that way. After the death of my mother, my father died many years before, we simply went our own separate ways, with the exception of my one sister (a bi-polar alcoholic with more issues that I can even describe here) who tries to contact me constantly. Argh…
Hi! I am so glad to have found this website! I’ve been in an on again off again relationship for 3 years. I thought he was the one as well. I slowly over the last year have come out of my fantasyland mentality and realized that he is unavailable emotionally. I held my stress in my left hip groin area and now I have a serious problem that I am getting tested for. I am working with a healer that is helping me release what I have manifested in my body. Scary! So I have changed my lifestyle drastically on every level and I am determined to heal myself and my life! No one whether blood related or not is worth creating pain and disease in your own body!
What a beautiful, empowering article. Thank you so much. I will focus on your last paragraph as I make my break. We all have to follow our heart and live authentically, in order to feel true inner happiness. Never will I take a side road, off my path, again. We live and learn. Thanks Kris
I just went through the roughest breakup last night! It was the ultimate doozy! I found myself saying things that would have under normal circumstances I would have NEVER said! At one point, it was like I came outside of myself and was like “What in the hell are you doing?’ I have felt the strain of this relationship on me mentally, emotionally, physically, and even financially so much over the past few months. Because we have been together for almost 4 years and we were friends prior made it a lot harder to get out. That was for both of us. I admit that I have had my issues in this realtionship from the beginning. I never used to have an issue with being open and honest when we were friends, however when I found myself liking him I felt the need to coverup certain things in my life. (Which if you don’t know is a definite red flag! If you ever feel the need to withhold things from someone that you love then that is grounds that this person may not be for you. True love is honest beyond any fear!) Just over the past year or so I had just become tired internally & spiritually and didn’t want to break his heart or mine. I loved him and still do but I just feel a relief that it’s over! I was tired of not being heard, having my words twisted around on me, living in this state of mental being that if I changed things would be okay. There was never full admittance of issues only until a blow up happened and the dust settled. I was too ashamed to break up also because of the circle of people that we had been around (including our ex spouses) and what they would think. It hurts becuae I do love him and love his children just as he loves me and mine. But I am also relieved that I can finally get back to what is important in my life. And I am going to take the proper time to heal this time and remain open that I will attract true love!
Honestly, Kris Carr, you are a wise, soulful, and beautiful Goddess. Thank you for sharing your soul wisdom. You make earth a better place. And on that note, Happy Earth Day 🙂
As always, so inspiring to share your thoughts and insights. Again:-)much love from Sweden!//Jejja
I have called a lawyer and I a freaking out
I just had a girlfriend, for the first time in my life, tell me I was causing a toxic relationship, “like all the rest.”
Now I’m in an awesome relationship. I’m thinking, “Maybe she needs to evaluate the common denominator.”
I have been what I have now figured out is toxic relationship for six years. we broke up about a month ago . and as exhausting and depleting as it has been. I was treated horribly and manipulated, cost me a job I had been at for thirteen years. and should be delighted to be free. but I am begging her to let me come back home an she is meaner than she has ever been and I still can’t shake it and would go back tonight if she let me. what do I do . I am so lost
im still stuck 🙁 Its been a year and half of ups/downs break up/make up, and even though I know its poisonus I always go back. The cherry on top is that i found out this weekend that he cheated on me last year. Can someone tell me how this isnt the last nail i need?? Im so ashamed of myself. When did i turn into this pathetic person?
Hi, iv been in a toxic relationship for some time now, it’s been on and off for about 2 years. He always chops and changes his mind every few weeks weather he wants me in his life or not, last week was his birthday and I was this amazing girlfriend ‘I repeat!’ And now this week he dosent want to know me. Told me it’s been a build up for some time now, bla bla!! How a can’t change his mind, I need to accept it and all this.. He said he does love me and I do make him happy he just dosent want to be with me.. It’s been 4 days and I haven’t heard a word from him. Can someone give me advice please?
Thank you for this article. What to do when someone like your mom or dad cant see how toxic they have become. When they bring nothing but negative stuff to your life but of course “with the best intentions”. When you break up with a boyfriend / girlfriend you might not even see them again, and eventually they are out of your heart, but what to do when is your mom, dad, sister?
It wasnt a intimate relationship this time. i was a drummer and he was a lead singer and i spotted the old familiar feelings of shame based guilt, broken promises, control games,and the double standards. Whats more after his drunken episodes and with holding of final monies.After all that crap…. I was ‘dist’ because i ”quit him thru text’ According to mr Elvis I wasnt manly or forthright to do it face to face. Well all I knew was it was time to go. Since then theres been subtle ‘digs’ in facebook. I dropped the guys fbf like a hot potato, but he post on others pages And while its been 6 months I still smart over his parting shots. He on the other hand is enjoying monies on gigs i fouNd. Oh well Im gone. And hopefully a little wiiser.
I think I have a toxic work relationship. Anyone else? It’s nothing more than work related, however, we work in a small environment. It’s a healthcare setting, surrounded by patients in pain so it’s already negative. (Mostly…others are post operative and feel better) But my co-worker is narcissistic, self absorbed, (redundant?) and talks all the time.He has to explain in fine detail how bad and challenging each patient he interacts with is, not just doing the work and understanding that is his job, he now has to drag me down in it. Meanwhile, I have equally challenging patients all day, nonetheless having to absorb his too! I understand the need to vent to survive and get through the day, I’m not sure though how much longer I can be weighted down. Any advice? Money is not worth my well being and I’m having a hard time coming to grips with it. Thank you in advance for outsider feedback.
this is so perfect fo me right now! I answered y es to every question, it is definitely time and Kris thank you for article and the encouraging support and love! My best to you!
Thank you Kris! Your article is timely.
Such wise, beautiful wisdom Kris! Thank you so much for sharing this.
Love! Xo
What happens when the toxic person is a family member? And not just any family member, but my sister and mom? What complicates things is the fact that I have a daughter who very much wants a relationship with both of them,especially her grandma. Help!
am Still living with my ex partner. We broke up 6 months ago, but because I haven’t been working (surgery, recovery etc), we agreed that I would stay put until early next year. We’ve had some rough spots and awkwardness, but genuinely love each other, so it hasn’t been awful. Just last night she announces that she wants to get back together. I instantly became stressed and worried about what I should do. The questions listed in this article have helped me put things in perspective. Thank you. I know I must be true to myself no matter what and just accept what may come.
I had to distance myself from my family of origin while I was first in recovery, a time when you would need family the most. This included missing birthdays and other celebratory days with my father in particular. Then he got very sick. That is a game changer. So I apologized for any hurt that I had caused and outlined the qualities which I admired in him. The letter was not opened for months due to his stubborness, but a month before he died, there was a call of reconciliation by him. I saw him once more after that call. So here is my lesson: some people you absolutely have to write off, but if there is any chance of forgiveness to bring peace to the situation, take the high road. This relationship ended in the most final way. But it ended peacefully. With that one act, the family has changed because they saw pride and ego being put aside for peace. And as for my recovery, by distancing myself from dysfunction at the time, I have gained a beautiful community of friends, my children, and a loving husband. That never would have happened 4 years ago.
I feel like I should not be posting on here after reading all the posts but I would like advice myself.
I have been married for 24 years and my husband is a good man. He is a great dad to our 13 year old, good provider, hard worker, helps around the house and really cares for me. But I have not been happy for years because we have become “roommates” and have our own circle of friends and what we do is always separate. I have been unfaithful and he has forgiven me for that. I feel like I have no reason to be unhappy with my life yet I am. I have wanted to leave for a long time but life has always just gone on and I have always done what I have wanted to and it has seemed to work out. He loves to be at home watching sports and I love to be out doing things. I feel like I would rather do things without him then with him in public. I have lost all intimacy for him but care for him so much. I don’t feel the relationship is “toxic” but again I am not happy in it. Most people would love to have what I have and I have always wanted this place in life. Why now do I not want it and where do I go from here. He has moved out 5 weeks ago to give me time to figure out what I want and we speak daily. Our son sees him each day and they spend lots of time together. I enjoy the time at home alone and with my son and think that life would be ok if I decided to file for divorce. BUT we are still paying the bills together and things have not changed except that he is sleeping and spending his time else where. I wonder if on my salary if we would struggle to live and would my son miss out on the things he is used to. My husband is in so much pain because he truly believes that we have a good marriage and misses it desperately. How do I decide to move on either with or without him when I am so sorry for hurting him? I feel like I am the toxic one and he does not deserve anything like the hurt I am putting him through. I do feel that I should be able to feel happy or something more than my obligation as a wife and mother but then I wonder if this is all there is. Am I selfish for wanting to feel passion and have fun. Is a life alone better then a stable, comfortable, reliable life alone in the house with a man by my side???? I am so lost and confused.
I ended a 3 year relationship last week. I lost my husband, to whom I was married for 20 years, in a tragic accident 4 years ago and reconnected with an old friend (10 years younger, never married, no kids) within the first year, which led to this 3 year relationship. As most can relate, the beginning was great; I was happy, and it felt so good. But, as the months and years went on, I realized more and more how negative this person was and it was sucking the life out of me and becoming toxic to me, my children and our whole family dynamic. The situation became very complicated when he relocated his drug-addicted, mentally ill sister and her 2 small children to his house to help her, which I supported and so greatly admired him for. This past summer, she was arrested and lost her children. They went into foster care, and after 2 months, my boyfriend decided he wanted to foster them. Initially, I said I would do it with him and tried to imagine what our family would now look like and how we would all operate under one roof. Just as this image was becoming a reality, I was overwhelmed at the prospect, so I spoke up at a widows’ group I attend. They gave me the best advice — to seriously consider the fork in the road. I spent the next couple of days doing so, and I decided to end my relationship and not proceed with the fostering of his niece and nephew. I know it was shocking to him, but I explained that our relationship would have to be the foundation for the whole program, and that foundation was very unsteady. While I feel badly about him now being a single foster parent, I feel better about making a decision that I firmly believe was the right one for everyone involved. So, now I move forward, focus on my family, work on my grief and my new single life. I am very blessed with two wonderful children, so I want to refocus on them and enjoy life together.
They say when you are in it you don’t see. It was only after my friends were horrified with the couple of light things my boyfriend said to me that I realized I was putting up with a lot more than I deserved. I realized that if they only knew the daily criticism and selfishness. I wrote a laundry list of these things to get them out of my system. Then I asked him to come over. I told him that I wanted to break up. I told him that I wanted to be with someone who treated me better. I said that I didn’t feel that I needed to rehash anything. I said we had so much fun, but that I was sad more than I was happy, and that’s not how it should be. I also told him that for the next time he meets someone he should never treat her like he treated me. He apologized and acknowledged he had a problem and it was wrong. Then left. I have not regretted it. This was three weeks ago.
From my experience: I have let go of toxic relationships only to attract another one – the key for me is to raise my own vibration by growing so you I stop attracting toxic relationships – they are only a reflection of myself. This is hard to swallow, but I always found an area in my own self that was toxic.
Thank you! Kris! Read my mind! So needed this today, actually, every day for the past several years. I’m exhausted. Trying soo hard to get out of a very toxic relationship. Taking a plant-based culinary certification course, almost done; tripped a few times based on the problematic Homefront. Trying to “listen” to the Universe to find my path from here. I guess you were part of that Universe today. Had my Morning Glorious, going for my 4-mile walk, and then back to the kitchen to “get it done.” Thank you! again! 🙂
Hi Kris,
I did and it was the most amazing thing that happened in my life! For the first time, I felt free! Free from the bs, the hypocrisy, the world’s judgements, etc.
I love to write-really write the honest truth. It may be a hard pill to swallow yet it is liberating. Cathartic. I am not free of pain, not at all but I am so happy to find myself again. All these years, I’ve been wearing crazy masks just to keep the charade going. While I tried to save it and plug the holes, fix the broken holes, my body on the other hand is screaming loud telling me otherwise. Only then, I got the message. That I allowed this toxicity to poison my psyche, my being, my soul and spiritual growth. Whoa! What a relief to say my truth and never be afraid for any judgement or ridicule. I am happy and soaring like an eagle that despite the storms, I can soar high above and feel awesome and courageous. Thank you for being a virtual friend. Now, I used my story to help others heal and get out from the mess they have created.
What a wonderful article! Story shared.
Love ya,
Hazel <3
Kris, I can’t tell you how encouraging this has been. I broke up with a friend a while ago (for various reasons, but mostly that she just drained me in every capacity). I am still struggling 6 months down the line. She can’t seem to let the relationship go, and has sent my husband and myself numerous emails in a desperate attempt to reconnect. But I remember that no matter how guilty those messages may attempt to make me feel, I can not put myself in a position again to be used, drained, and emotionally abused and manipulated. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve experienced in a friendship, but I know I did the right thing for myself (and my marriage!). Thank you so much for your encouragement, positivity, and glowing beauty, inside and out! X
I was in a really exhausting friendship for about five years – she bashed almost everything I was interested in, was constantly telling me how to live my life, flipped out at me for imagined slights, and was a total pain in the butt whenever I invited her anywhere. She was also a terrible listener, and a gossip. Finally, when she betrayed my confidence to someone I had JUST INTRODUCED HER TO, I decided that was that. Even though she apologized, this was only one of many offences and I was DONE. I accepted her apology but never spoke to her again. My life is so much more peaceful as a result.
Just out of a 3 year relationship with a gentleman 14 years my senior I thought it was “forever” until I discovered that my beautifl man had been talking with his ex-girlfriend for six months (or more)? I am crushed and have not been graceful. He came into my life when I needed him most and it was wonderful. Your blog came at a perfect time… toxic is not healthy. Back to being my wonderful awesome self that he helped to bring back to life. I wish him love and happiness forever.
This post was a God-send! I am getting married and two of your bridesmaids are being very negative, destructive, and even downright vindictive towards me. It occurred to me that we were best of friends when they were first married with beautiful new houses and I was recently divorced working two jobs and living in a cruddy apartment. Now, I have the love of my life, a nice house, and a very successful career. Every time I achieved a milestone, they made nasty comments about it to make me feel bad, or pointed out something that was not going as well and rubbed my nose in it. It was never constructive, it was always just picking the scab.
I decided that when the wedding is over, I will mourn long-dead “friendships” and move on. It is hard in the meantime not to worry, but I know I need to just keep my eye on the end goal, which is starting a new chapter of my life with the love of my life and a fresh start in the friend department.
Thanks again for the perspective.
I just found this, and I wanted to say thank you for writing it. Long story, very short, I have been friends with a wonderful girl for 16 years. It’s my 30th birthday this weekend, so I’ve literally known her longer than I haven’t. I got married a couple of years ago and just had my first baby… During this time she has been in two horribly abusive relationship (usually with her as the abuser) and tried to commit suicide a couple of months ago. I’m happy, she’s not, and she takes her anger out on me now. I’m actually afraid for my family at this point… I just don’t know how to get her out of my life safely for her and me… How do I make a clean break when our lives are so intertwined? Do I tell her parents who I have a close relationship with? Do I just erase her pictures and try to get it out of my life? I know what I have to do, and I’m comfortable with it, I just don’t know how to.
I was getting ready to end a toxic relationship when I was diagnosed. With two kids and cancer it was impractical to leave, I am stage 4. I can see the effort in him to start fresh and has been as supportive as he knows how. Im hoping that instead of feeling stuck that this experience will transform him as he has promised. Still very much a work in progress. should I believe people can truly change. cancer can break or define you and the people around you. I wish I get a good definition in the end, that cancer can heal our relationship for the sake of the children.thank you for the post.very enlightening as always.
This post is just wonderful and is helping me. I had a VERY toxic relationship for a year. She was a friend prior to and we tried to remain friends after, but I couldn’t deal with how we were literally trying to destroy each other. My heart was out of the picture shortly before the breakup. It’s been about 7 months after and I thought I was fine. The thing about toxic relationships are sometimes they go to places you didn’t think they would. I’m also in the process of coming to terms with and getting out of my co-dependency problems. My heart had let her go, but my mind was still holding on to the good of our relationship and friendship. Knowing her and that she is the kind of person that doesn’t like to be alone, I knew she’d begin looking for others(quite quickly after). She moved …literally 2 minutes away from me/about 4 blocks from my place and her brand new boyfriend works pretty much around the corner. I became paranoid that I’d see her and it began to make me very unstable
I was torturing myself with thoughts I shouldn’t have. I’m a very hard worker and I put my all into everything I do. I was still angry that I put a lot of work into trying to better myself and I was upset that it seems like she doesn’t do anything and she has someone new. I’ve been trying to work through not letting thoughts of other people occupy my mind, but some toxicity still lingers even months or years after exiting. Sometimes, it’s not a “one time” process… it can take a very, very long time. I’m only in the beginning stages of letting go of those extra problems, but I noticed a difference in my health right away.
Sorry this is a long (and late) post, but sharing makes it a little easier in addition to reading
This is really empowering at a fragile time so thank you. I’ve been struggling with my health (MS-related) and it is a scary time to break up with someone who I’m many ways is a support. But at the same time my inner voice was speaking so loudly I could not ignore it. It’s so hard to gage sometimes if it is the person that drains you or if it’s a dip in your energy and thus an inability to prioritize relationship. But there is a pattern that I detected. And the voice was loud and clear. He loves me too. It’s very hard and scary. Sometimes I think I shut people out when my health dips but if the support comes with subtle pressure is it truly support? Does anyone else struggle in this way – with health-related relationship issues?
Hi Kris, I have an awful relationship with my parents obviously I can’t just walk away.they put me down don’t listen to anything I say and think that my food allergies are false ( I’m a celiac that’s milk intolerant and have really bad psoriasis) I hope that one day I can sit down and belive I’m all of the above and as awful as it sound I feel I will only be free when they die. Thank you for your amazing self you are an amazing role model xx
This resonates; thank you for posting it.
I’m at the point, after four years, of struggling to accept that that I am in a toxic relationship with my girlfriend. That’s despite the fact that every single website/discussion I view, reinforces the undeniable fact: it is toxic. Why can’t I accept this?!
I can answer yes to almost every question. There is still some spark there, the sex (love-making) is amazing, she can be ultra sweet and loving (when it suits her). Unfortunately I am tired of the arguments, tired of always apologising for minor transgressions but never getting an apology for a major transgression from her, tired of being controlled, tired of having no freedom (to even see my parents who live abroad for just one weekend or go to a concert to hear a musician I like), tired of criticism (for really silly things like the way I make cheese toasties!), tired of emotional bullying (threats of leaving me when things don’t go her way).
We’ve already had about three breaks in this relationship. Each time, she apologised and took responsibility and sounded like she wanted to make it work; she even started therapy for the jealousy/insecurity/controlling. But, every time I have gone back. Every time, after a few months it’s still the same and all the blame is on me for “running away” even though she asked me to leave and packed my stuff. The therapy has been going for 9 months. I never forced her to go, she initiated it herself after I suggested couples counselling, but now she claims I demanded she go to therapy and uses that against me. I don’t believe she’s honest enough in the therapy either which is perhaps why it is not helping.
I’ve got a storage unit and have started to form an escape plan. I think I need to escape and get out of it while I still can get out of it. But I’m resisting it. She can be nasty. But she can also be really nice, loving, amazing. In those moments “oh… it can get better”, “ah, this is why i am here, why i love her”. God, this is so damn hard to know what to do.
I hope I can find the strength to do what is right for my happiness. And also for hers because I don’t see how she can be happy living like this either.
Anyway… thanks for the post. I will try the journalling and see where that leads me.
Love, and light. Mark.
great article! thank you. I left a 19 year marriage (which was damaged),,,,and took a gamble on a 46 year old who waved soooo many red flags, but who was my catalyst into this new life. I said no thanks to my husbands attemps to work on our marriage, and took a leap into the arms of new-guy. he had me on a pedestal for about four months, I ignored some of his odd bahaviours, addressed some others, and blindly continued to trust that he would be solid and genuine for the LONG HAUL. The exact same month that moved out on my own (which was month # 6 of our dalliance), he started to flake out, and his actions no longer matched his words. The more I tried to address his unavailability, and to set my own boundaries, the more he pulled away. My neediness kicked into over drive, but my self-esteem was also high enough that I broke up with him. It took a few times, but now, in what would have been Day One of month # nine, I am 100% sure that I would not take him back. I still love him, and I believe he also loves me, but we would both need to face our own flaws and accept each other through the challenges of mutual growth – but I sadly know that that possibility is not in him. His character I snot strong, and it’s easier for him to run and lick his wounds/ Now begins the healing process for me, cherishing the good times we had, and grieving the loss of two relationships. Mind you, the relationship with my (ex) husband is now way more amicable than it was during our last 2 – 3 years of marriage.
Everything you said resonates deeply within me. I have been with my husband for 17 years now. We’ve been through the fire together. But I have come out on the other side a very different person. I’ve had brain surgery and now have fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue. My husband suffered a heart attack in 2005. Some just grow more that others and simply put, I’ve outgrown “us” and I cannot keep trying to drag him along, it’s exhausting. The saddest thing of all is how much we deeply love each other. But I feel as though I cannot breath! I also feel somewhat hopeless. You see, the twist in all this is that I am disabled and cannot work. Therefore I cannot support myself. Therefore I am trapped. I would have walked away a long time ago if I could have found a way. I know that being in this constant state is so damaging to me. I don’t know to reconcile the yearnings in my heart for the life I dream of and my current reality. I wish it were as simple as having the courage to do what’s right for me, unfortunately it’s so much more complicated. Thank you Kris. You are in inspiration to me.
It’s only been in recent years that I’ve felt comfortable identifying and eliminating toxic relationships from my life. In the past, I was too accommodating not wanting to hurt the feelings of others; however, not being true to yourself is no way to live. People change and so do friendships.
What an engaging post , Kris Carr.
I am first time visitor (and commenting for first time as well) to your blog and find your blog an excellent resource on wellness and personal development.
I divorced my husband, father of my child, after having a similar conversation with myself at the beginning of last year. It’s amazing how much happier all three of us are now. We forget that a 4 year old is so intuitive and all of the tension she picked up. She’s more confident now, and I know I am too. My ex is happily living with his third “the one”, and I’m happily living a single, independent, empowered life. Being able to show my daughter what a strong woman can be is the best gift ever.
I love thus article, I wish I had come across about 6 months ago because that was a time of self destruction & this is definitely insight I would’ve needed to hear, I’m in such a different place now than I was then but it would have been so much more helpful. Thank you for this and I look forward to read more of your wonderful insight.
I am in a marriage that I know is failing. But I love this man with all my heart.
Day after day I am accused of Cheating when I have tried over and over to figure out how I can prove it to him that I am not! I have showed him that there is no way that I’d want to cheat let alone even had the time to do it!
It all started when I began working again after being unemployed for for 3 years. My husband is disabled and cannot work so he is at home every day all day. I have begged him over and over to tell me how I can prove it to him that he is the only one that I want to be with and that my loyalty is with him. I have excommunicated every male in my life some I have known since child hood and have never had more than a friend ship with. I have even suggested quitting my job and then figuring out how to survive off of the small check that he gets every month. But I am at the end of my rope and have had some un nerving thoughts that I would just be better off dead! I have my own issues with mental health and severe anxiety issues which have only gotten worse since this daily barrage of accusations has occured. he is not physically abusive but I know that it is mental. How do I cope? How can I fix this with out walking away? He constantly tells me that he wants a divorce but I cant do it! I believe in Hope, Faith help meLove and Honor and now I am starting to wonder if it means anything any more!
Please give me some advice! Desperate
Perfect timing for this article to come into my life. Thank you Kris for being so honest and relatable. My ex fiancé and father of my unborn child was that guy that I have had the most dysfunctional relationship with and am having the hardest time letting go. His indecisiveness and hot and coldness spikes up anxiety in me I’ve never experienced before and is my only reason I fear my future sometimes because of our daughter on the way. I literally hit rock bottom having him in my life. I tried to escape a few times but always went back to him. We partied together, I trusted him more than I trusted myself and the day he told me I didn’t know how to be loved changed my life. It’s been almost a year now since I’ve gone inward and began facing my demons, cleansing the toxins (drugs, alcohol, and negative thoughts, people, places and habits) and for the first time in my life I finally feel like I’m alive and conscious and the creator of my reality. My daughter inspired me speed up this process of healing and is ultimately the reason I left my ex for good. He threatens me with court because I’ve asked him to clean up his act if he wants to be in her life. I don’t want to hold the baby over his head but I fought to keep her even after he asked me to abort twice, even after he verbally and emotionally abused me, and threatened to physically hurt me, even after he kicked me out on the streets numerous times, even after he got the whole world to listen to his side and caused people to dislike me, even after all the sleepless nights I had having to pick him up in the middle of the night because he was too drunk and high to safely guide himself home…goodness the grief I put me and my baby through. We’re home now with my family, away from him, with less than 2 months left of pregnancy to go. She is my light and my joy. I know I’m on track and on the right path. There is no way God would’ve blessed me with this baby if I hadn’t started my journey to healing. I want to be a strong role model for her and although the light in me sees the light in me, past all his insecurities and fear, I have yet to figure out how to have him in our life, as he is. I just continue to pray and send him love and light, focus on me and my baby girl, and read up on loving, inspiring stories on sites such as yours. Thank you for being you. Thank you for sharing your love and light with the rest of us. Aloha.
About a year and a half ago, I left a toxic relationship (it took me telling the guy like 5 times over 5-6 months to break up with him). We haven’t talked to each other really since then. I remember trying to put him off gently, but it didn’t work. The relationship was long-distance and there was some (ok, a lot) of bdsm type stuff and I just wasn’t as into it the way he was. But I finally was able to leave him. However, I have a dilema. I’m in a new relationship (started about 2 months after my last (first) relationship) and its been just over a year. However, I don’t feel like it’s the right relationship anymore. There’s nothing wrong really with him, but I don’t feel like we click as a couple anymore. So how do you know when to end a relationship even if it’s not really toxic? Especially when the guy is super nice?
I left one and jumped into another ( which i still am in). Its a disaster. I know its not working, i know its a horrible idea.
I don’t want to leave, okay i do , but i think of all the things il lose and how much i have worked and i’m just paralyzed. He has done it all! and i am still rooted to the ground.
Hoping for some divine intervention
My boyfriend abuses me, calls me names like whore, bitch, etc. he even abuses me using my mothers name. he has slapped me as well sometimes when he loses his temper. but i had a past, and sometimes i used to visit his facebook page. my boyfriend says that he acted bad because i kept visiting my ex boyfriends facebook profile. And he has made me happy many times when we used to be together.
Now i have decided to get married to someone else because of all this, chosen by my family. So I broke up with him. But now he is saying that he will change, has realized his mistake, will never mistreat me again, will always keep me happy. I am not able to decide because of all this. What is the right thing to do?
Please help me.
It has taken me 29 years and beautiful lite girl to trust my heart and follow it. The healing process is like giving birth, pain yes…. Suffering no more. Just unconditional love for yourself and that spreads to all.
Liebe Kris,
es ist wunderbar, wie ehrlich und demütig Du Deine Lebensweisheit mit wildfremden Menschen wie mir teilst.
Ich glaube fest daran, dass Dein mutiger Rat bei vielen Menschen eine Entwicklung auslösen wird. Zum Besseren in unserer Welt.
Dafür möchte ich Dir ganz herzlich danken.
Mit warmen, herzlichen Grüßen
Matthias
<3 very wisely, Kris
I was 16 years old when I got with my first and now my ex boyfriend and I stayed with him till I was 21. I knew that our relationship was going to stay stagnant and I would picture myself at 26 still being with him and realizing that if I stay with him for the next five years that I would rot away my soul with his. So I made the conscious effort to break up with him once and for all….after about twenty times. No joke.. -_- and I never looked back. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. I’m 25 years old now and I really do believe that somewhere deep inside everyone of us we all have the courage to pull our selves out of any toxic relationship. Remember we create our own destiny. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and take responsibility for when YOU don’t feel good. No relationship will ever be a fairy tale. Also every relationship with a significant other will bring things out in you you didn’t know you were capable of but that’s what relationships are for. They teach you something about yourself.
Gracias de verdad, actualmente estoy pasando por un momento de ruptura con mi marido y tus palabras me han ayudado mucho, sobre todo al comprobar que no soy la única que tira platos o rompe cosas….
Gracias de nuevo y sigue siendo como eres, es decir, tan fantástica y maravillosa luz en nuestro camino,.
Muchos besos, Ana
I have a great relationship with my husband, but I wanted to write about one of his toxic relationships…that with his daughter’s mother. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and for that reason was restricted to visiting with his daughter only under the supervision of his parents (obviously, her grandparents). Two years into his sobriety his relationship with his ex remained terrible, with her still mistrusting him and constantly deriding and belittling him for his addiction and complaining about him as a parent, and him loathing even the sound of her voice. She is a very negative person that makes you feel terrible in their presence, never praises and always scolds, and sucks all your energy and well being dry, exactly the kind of toxic person you would want to cut out of your life under any other circumstances. But of course, they have a daughter together. Then one day almost two years ago, everything changed. My husband’s mom had a blow-out fight with his daughter’s mom, and after that she cut off visitation with the grandparents and decided that my husband would only visit in her presence (all of this was done legally as her father-in-law is a lawyer and my husband never sought legal counsel). Well, my husband refused to visit with her under those conditions, and because of this he no longer sees his daughter. In fact, threatened with court again and having to pay her lawyer’s fees, he signed his daughter over for adoption to her stepfather almost a year ago.
It has been very, very hard for me to accept what happened. I want to say that my husband should have stayed and done whatever was necessary for his child and just ignored her mom to whatever extent possible. But, I can also understand that for his healing and full recovery he really needed to free himself from her negativity and constant dragging him back into his past. I have found that I cannot decide what is right and wrong. My husband is now 3 1/2 years sober and although we miss his daughter terribly, we are also happy in our own relationship and I know he feels liberated now having removed that presence from his life. I just wish it could have worked out differently and that we could still have a relationship with his daughter.
I really needed this post, and all your comments. Thank you. I am feeling like i’m struggling to overcome an addiction and I’m spiritually bankrupt, just like someone mentioned here, from all the madness I’ve endured. The only difference is that this person ended things with me. About 10 days ago after a ton of sweet messages, I found out he was cheating and when I confronted him, he accused me of cheating, said thats why he did it, and basically ended things and never called again. I found out yesterday he’s had another girlfriend for the past 5 months. I knew I should have ended things with him 7 months ago, and I ignored every sign, every instinct, and rationalized my wisdom away. Now I am left with such conflicting emotions I feel like the crazy one! I’m relieved because I feel like I dodged a deadly bullet, but I also feel so sad and small. I beat myself up for not leaving him and allowing him to do this to me.
But I guess in the end, it doesn’t matter who left who. It needed to be done and I couldn’t do it.
Thank you all for your support and wisdom and I really admire every single one of you for being so brave, strong, and committed to your own happiness and well being.
Thanks Kris. Beautiful insight. Am currently struggling with this very issue. Have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 9 years! Totally emotionally unavailable to me. I answered yes to all of the questions above if that gives you any indication of how toxic this relationship has become. I have been going to alanon for about 5 months which has saved my life really, but mostly taught me I have choices. It’s still so difficult for me to let go! He has such a hold on me. I wish I could let go of my fea more. I am ttrying!
Kris! Thank you so much for your candid honesty! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you for this amazing and beautiful quality 🙂 Seriously, you rock girlfriend!
I’m a holistic health coach, with the primary focus on relationship with self. The reason my practice serves in this fashion is because it’s the development of my relationship with Self, that I was able to completely heal and change the quality of my life and attract the most healthiest, beautiful relationship I have ever experienced in my life!
What led me to this point was falling into a gnarly rock bottom after 7years of a seriously unhealthy and abusive relationship and at the same time losing my Dad quite unexpectedly. The combination of these two whirled me into a seriously dark and ugly place. Leaving the unhealthy relationship took 2 of those 7 years. It took baby steps because I was unknowingly so co-dependent with absolutely no self-esteem or self-worth. This unhealthy relationship slowly came to an end by sleeping in separate rooms, which eventually turned into separate places, to eventually not hanging around the same group of friends, to eventually having zero contact – and not because I asked for it, the other person did! Talk about doing me the biggest favor of my life. If someone like the person I am today were around, I probably would have left a whole lot sooner! At the time that this other person shouted they wanted nothing to do with me, didn’t love me, etc., I thought my life was completely over. I honestly thought, “if this a**hole doesn’t love me, who will?”
After hitting rock bottom I scraped myself off the ground, created clear boundaries with all unhealthy relationships, and took a major time out to start working on the relationship with mySelf. My life depended on this and I didn’t want to give up.
2.5 years later and I’m recognizable. Completely transformed and am now working with others in creating healthier lives in every aspect, but most importantly with their self.
Leaving a relationship is never easy, but if you know it’ll change the quality of your life for the better, then look at needing to leave a relationship as needing air to breathe. Hope this all makes sense!
Health, Love, Happiness to All! xo
I meant “2.5 years later and I’m unrecognizable”
WOW!! Thank you so much Kris for this post…it could not have come at a better time for me. I am about to end a 2 year live together relationship with my boyfirned. I love him dearly, but the relationship is toxic. Walking away from someone you love is next to impossible…I am so scared. But reading this post really helps, THANK YOU!
Thank you. I need to bookmark this to refer to. Perfect timing for me.
Hello everyone,
Allowing our feelings to surface can be a key to our emotional and physical health.
Emotions, whether they are happy, sad or angry are simply energy that needs to move.
Love,
Jivan
Hi Kriss,
Thanks for sharing how important happiness is to our health ~ i feel we completely underestimate how vital healthy relationships are to our wellbeing. Everything is energy and yours is wonderful. I feel we often forget that our emotions manifest in our bodies… keep sharing your light <3
When I saw this message in my inbox I felt a lump in my stomach. I’d been dancing around issues with my partner of 2.5 years for some time now, we’d had one break-up already and he’s never been fulling able to commit and be in love, but I kept loving him anyway. I read this blog that day and although many of these things struck a cord with me I insisted that this was different, that it would happen, things would change, and I was happy – and yet I was afraid because I knew the truth, and this was a big sign.
Last night my boyfriend and I were having a wonderful evening playing frisbee in the park when I jokingly tossed his pack of cigarettes into a bush (I hate that he smokes) he wasn’t please, picked up my shoes and went home. I walked home alone in the dark in bare feet (not the end of the world) but was furious that he seemed to always get a hall pass on being an asshole to me and never breaking it up with any kind of real sincere appreciation. I turned what was a fun-filled night into a break up, right then and there.
He was afraid to love me, and trust me, and after 2.5 years he still couldn’t fully commit – and I don’t know what I was waiting around for. I loved this man with all my heart, but that doesn’t mean he has to reciprocate or can.
Here’s to a new journey, one I’m diving into with an open heart full of love.
Gratitude to all the other people who posted here with similar experiences xo
You want “rich in the comments?” Here it is …
I’ve left-and-been-left-by numerous boyfriends in my youth, ended an engagement with a fiance, and ended a marriage with a husband … but … worse relationship-end ever? my soul-matey best-est friend of 25 years!
I was at a point in my life where I was extremely struggling … with my health, my emotions, my marriage. And, just at the point of the death of a family member that I’d cared-for for years, she just … stopped!! contacting me and won’t answer my phone calls or e-mails. On the couple of occasions when she answered the phone at work without knowing it was me, she brushed me off very quickly, no love-for-me left in her voice, told me to call back … each time, she never took my call-back.
This woman, my best-friend-of-decades, was my sister and I was hers, our families were each others’ families, our homes were each others’ homes, we vacationed together, we together went through marriages, divorces, deaths of our loved ones … all we needed was a call for help and we were there!
This abandonment brought me to my knees! and the emergency room with heart trouble … and the doctors soon after that. It has been over a year-and-a-half now. My life will never be the same. Apparently she is happier without me, although I do not know why.
I understand that things change … people change, lives change. Everyone has the right and the freedom to make new choices. What I will never do – and the reason I am writing this and am encouraging you all to also never do – is to be unkind, especially if the innocent person has never intended any harm towards you. Don’t ever be disrespectful, or untruthful, or hurtful, or … a coward. Was it easier for this tremendous friend of mine to just disappear with no explanation? You bet it was! Was it dysfunctional and ill? Also true.
We are all children of the same light, accompanying each other on our journeys. Be grateful for those who have been good to you, who have loved you … imperfections, flaws and all. And, first and foremost … do no harm. Thanks for listening.
I just had to break off a very one-sided toxic relationship with someone who I had considered a friend. It was very tricky because we live in a small town, our kids are very close and we live about a two minuets walk from one another. She was someone who was always taking from me energetically, with no return back. Its amazing to me that in my late thirties I have to de-friend someone but I am proud that I had the strength to do it. I truly believe that the people in our lives should be comprised of those that allow us to feel upheld, supported and loved. There is a huge sense of relief now that I have officially decided to end the relationship with an energy vacuum!
I haven’t read through all the comments, but enough to know I’m in good company! 😉 I too, happened upon this article at a time where I’ve decided to break off an engagement. It’s been so difficult because there is no hard and fast reason to end it! But alas, it is all the little things and my intuition keeps whispering “let go”. A friend reminded me to write my 5 must haves down and I realized I’m struggling with that! Talk about losing me!! I’m going to sit downs with myself for a heart to heart discussion tonight. Envisioning life without my fiancé, what does it look like? I asked for space a few days back and have felt invigorated! That alone is the confirmation I need – but the serendipity of your article (read at 11:11) was the final nail in the casket… 😉 THANK YOU ALL!!
OMG!!! Thank you so much for this timely post! I may have a sick sense of humour but I loved the part of about your red hot temper! This last one really knew how to push my buttons so I thank him for the lessons he taught me. It’s over and done and I am moving on!! All the best to you !!
Thank you Kris for this amazing article. It’s like you’re in my life. I’ve read it everyday since it came last week and today I put my husband out and claimed my power! I have 3 kids (3, 5, and 7) and an UNWAVERING FAITH IN GOD!
Reading everyone’s post has also been very powerful and mind changing, especially while drinking a very tasty Green Goddess! At 41 years awesome, this is the beginning of the best time of my life, and the PERFECT time to “Honor MY uniqueness, listen to MY heart, and appreciate MY own rhythm, while knowing and being loyal to myself.”
And so it is!
Erica
Hi, Kris,
Thank you for sharing this amazing post. I found sometimes the aftermath of leaving is sometimes harder than leaving itself. I left my wife— and she was, and still is, one of the most beautiful and biggest gifts in my life. She will always be my big love. But after 6 years, she helped me learn to love myself enough that I needed to stand up completely and found myself struggling to do it within the context of our marriage. We came together for a reason. And only for a season. Learning to embrace the relationship as complete instead of feeling guilt over leaving has been difficult. But I’m learning!
One amazing resource has been Erika Schwenk, an intuitive healer who has helped me to identify and release old beliefs that no longer serve me. I’d encourage anyone who needs help with that to look her up. She’s absolutely in line with your message. Thanks again,
Niki
This article is perfect timing for me, however the relationship that I need to release is not with a person but one with my job. I am the primary breadwinner in my family and it will be financially devastating for me to quit my job. However, I feel I cannot continue to be employed by a company whom I believe to be unethical. I have decided to quit and take what little retirement I have and live on that while I pursue health and happiness. I recently have developed extreme anxiety and have gained 100 pounds, gall bladder disease along with numerous aches and pains. Although there are some emotional issues that I have to deal with from childhood, I feel the primary problem is my job which makes me feel that I am betraying my soul. It is time for me to break free and trust my soul to guide me in the right direction for financial security, health and happiness. Many thanks to Kris for this article.
Susan,
Congrats to you for being brave… hoping to get there soon… I too am the breadwinner and have been here 15 years… scared of failing, scared of the unknown, scared scared scared… but my health is failing me my thyroid is SHOT…there is so many toxins it’s unbelievable. I have tried looking elsewhere but haven’t had much luck… hoping to be as brave as you real soon!!!!
Hello. Please help me. I have been in a relationship for 10 years and to make a long story short, I have financially and emotionally supported it. The man I am with does not have any money and that is no Word of a lie. Sincé I am doing okay l financially, I have jumped in to rescue him everytime. I pay everything. Over the ten years, he has managed to put his two children through university but that is with me paying everything else. MY QUESTION IS, how do you leave someone with NOTHING? I feel I have helped so much to créate this toxic situation. I hope someone will read this and respond with their thoughts. I am now going to go back and read all the comments. Thank you so much.
Thank you Thank you Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kris I find you a real inspiration! 🙂 authentic, real, down to earth.
You inspire me to be a better person and when I read about your struggles and admit to those non perfect aspects of yourself. I feel an ok human and its ok not to be perfect. I have a deep seated belief that I am inadequate Oh I know rationally I am as good as the next woman, artist, mother etc……… But this self harming belief raises its ugly head whenever I feel a little overwhelmed, tired, rejected! So when I see Kriss Car struggles, gets angry, frustrated and drinks coffee on occasions, I’m happy to be imperfect too! Katrina England
What if the toxic relationship is a sibling? How do you walk away from a sister that has such high expectations for you, that you could never meet them? Or never hears a word you say and sucks the life out of you? She calls me disrespectful if I dont answer a email. Let me mention that she is 10 years older than me, not married, retired, and has no children. I have 3 kids, a husband and 2 businesses I own and work out daily.
Kriss,
This is so powerful. We get so comfortable with keeping the status quo and forget that we deserve to be happy, and we have the power to walk away from what doesn’t serve us. We need to become more introspective and start asking ourselves the hard questions. The toxicity in our lives builds up to the point where it manifests itself as physical symptoms – and we need to prevent that. This is a great start.
*Kris, sorry about that!
My partner and his ex were in a toxic relationship – and holding onto it for the kids. But after they split, slowly slowly a new relationship emerged and they are now better friends than they have been in years. Their absolute determination to do the right thing by their kids has meant that the children are happy, feel safe, seem unscathed and they now have two loving families instead of just one. So even after pain, there can be fabulous happy endings.
Might I suggest a great book for caribg for and completing the emotions after such a loss? The Grief Recovery Handbook is life changing. Read it and do the exercises with a friend. It helps so much!!!!!
Wise advice. I’ve had trouble with letting go of a toxic relationship–because the toxic person is my biological mother. Kris, do yo uyhave any thoughts on when family is toxic for you?
Thanks so much for sharing! I have had considerable trouble with my relationship with my parents over the past few years and this post gave me a few things to think about. It also brought to mind a romantic relationship that I recently ended – and I’m so glad I ended it!
I can relate so much to this because I broke up with my (so called) best friend two years ago and I’m still struggling with “did I do the right thing?” and “maybe I should call her”.
It was a great relationship for years and she was always so overly helpful in my life which made me feel guilty when things started falling apart. Our relationship turned to where I felt she thought that our lives were one and the same. I couldn’t do anything without her either being there or controlling what I was doing somehow.
It was when I started voicing my own opinions more and pulling away from her control that she began being mean and nasty to me.
Never once did she sincerely ask me “what’s wrong? Is there something I need to know about? This is hurting me and I want to know what’s going on” NEVER. It was all about how mean I was being to her.
I finally, in a fit of anger (very unlike me) told her it was over.
It was hard and I do still feel guilt but I stop and relive some of the bad stuff in my head and I get over the guilt.
HI Kris!
I ended my engagement with my fiancé about a year ago. It was super tough. We had been engaged for 5 years, but I just couldn’t walk down the isle. I knew for a while that it wasn’t totally right and I did everything I could to try and make it “right”, but it just never changed in my heart. My head had a LOT to say, but my heart and body finally got to the place where I just couldn’t continue and honestly, my health was starting to suffer. So, with my big girl panties on – I made the change. I am sooooo super happy I did it! The best part is that once I was free from the stress of the situation, I felt like I came back “home” to me and then met an amazing man. And I know I can walk down the isle for this one! The lesson – listen, honour and love yourself. You are worth it! Somehow, even if we can’t see it at the start there is something great waiting for us on the other side. We always land on our feet and when we land, we can take off running with new energy, life and hope!
Dawn
I, too, identify with this. The toxicity shows up in my body as IBS since my early 20’s. Trying to leave a 16 year relationship and the biggest fear for me is losing my health care benefits which will happen if I divorce and I’m 62. I have tried every modality out there for this IBS problem and for me it comes down to stress which equals toxicity… Frustrated and afraid to make the leap, but heading that way.
5 years ago I met what some had called my “winning lottery ticket” (he’s a multimillionaire), and my “prince charming” (a good talker). Our relationship was ‘complicated’ as he lives and owns a business in the USA (I’m in Canada). 6 months after we met, he proposed, and 6 months after that we were married. Our 1st year was magical on the surface, yet I had a knot in my stomach over how the relationship seemed ‘one-sided’. What he wanted he got, what I wanted was brushed aside; he would tell me “you don’t really want that (go there, do that). Here, I have a better idea”. Nothing that mattered to me ever seemed to matter to him.
Disrespect of my boundaries was a common theme, disappointment, and let-downs, un-kept promises, phone calls that didn’t come, days would go by past the day he was to come up to spend time with me/us with not even a phone call or email to say “geez I know I said I’d be there Friday, and now it’s Monday and I’m still not there—sorry” .
At times it got physical between him and my other child, verbal and emotional abuse was occurring daily, to the point that I had to ignore emails and phone calls that DID come because they were nasty.
I now find myself 7 months pregnant with our second child, and I had to make the ultimate choice to leave him.
ME……no money, no job (I quit my amazing career when we had our son), no vehicle (it’s in his name), and the prospect of my future is bleak, and I’ve chosen to go up against a multimillionaire!! Why? Because the unknown of my future is more comforting than the abusive, controlling life I was living. Why? Because my teenage daughter (from a previous marriage) deserves me to show her that no matter what, if someone isn’t treating you properly, you need to dig deep, find your strength and get out. Why? because I was losing myself; my inner shining light was being dulled by the mud he threw at me.
I’m scared, I feel lost. Sometimes I doubt my decision, but I know that’s just fear trying to pull me back to familiarity—I can’t stay. Taking steps in the darkness of ‘what’s next’ is the scariest thing I can do, but the monster I can see behind me has sharp teeth, no soul and is hungry for blood.
You all are so wonderful to each other. It’s very inspiring. x
I have been battling a break-up for months now. I think I have too many fears of lonliness and emptiness. I have been listening to my inner self, but just cant seem to move forward. i am stuck in the broken promises, the dreams of a future and the positive things from our relationship. I refuse to dwell on the negative and will not stoop to a negative level to get past it. I am just stuck and lonely.
Ugggghhhh…….I have survived cancer, so I KNOW I can survive this!!
Boy oh boy did this article resonate with me….after spending the majority of my adult life in a relationship with someone totally not for me (good guy but not the right one for me) and waiting until we had the house, the marriage and a beautiful child to figure it all out, it took so much for me to get over the idea that I couldn’t even recognize how unhappy I was in my relationship. I tried changing everything else until I realized that it was something inside of me that needed to change-I needed to admit to my own wants, needs and desires. I blamed him for holding me back but on the deepest level, I was holding myself back. I was the one who made all of the choices but looking back they were the best decisions I thought at the time. I just kick for myself for not listening to my inner voice. The one that told me I probably shouldn’t go through with everything.
After finalizing our divorce 1 year ago, I am proud to say I have now learned to acknowledge the whisper of my inner voice. Jumping right back into a relationship (unintentionally) which seemed like a fairy tale, I found myself going right back down the same road of feeling stuck. It took a big fight and my 3 year old daughter verbalizing exactly what I needed to hear but I did it. I left. It’s time for me. Time to be self-full. Falling in love with myself had a heck of a lot to do with giving me the strength.
When I found out I had stage 3 breast cancer I left my abusive (physically and emotionally) husband of 34 years and moved to a different island. I had to sneak out. Actually, my daughter insisted on it..great kid.
Going through chemo, radiation, surgeries, caring for an elderly woman for a place to live…I was in heaven! I would wake up in the middle of the night smiling, not wanting to go back to sleep because I wanted to cherish each moment being away from him.
If only I had done it sooner.
I am going to simply say with a tear in my eye, “THANK YOU!!!” and leave it at that.
Yes! It’s hard to get to that decision point, but once there, it’s easy, and it feels sooo much better to rid oneself of a friendship or relationship which has become unbearable. Often, the change is so gradual that it is imperceptible, and sometimes we can’t really put a finger on exactly what’s wrong. Once the decision is made to move on, it’s amazing how wonderful it feels to shed the relationship which has run its course.
Lovely article
Wow I was just about in tears reading this article. It took me so many years of pain and struggle and confusion and finally some healthy people in my life to see how toxic my marriage was (and many of my other relationships, I later found out). I just didn’t see it until some good people in my life started asking questions.
Now, looking back, I would have done things so differently. The last few years, I coped with alcohol (it just keeps you stuck even longer). That awful black-hole feeling inside of me was just too much. I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I had no self esteem left and yes, I definitely felt crazy.
I decided I didn’t want to set such an unhappy marriage as an example for our children. I wanted them to see two people who love each other and work together. I got sober, reached out and found a healthy support network, something I’d never had before. And I finally broke free of that awful relationship.
It wasn’t easy. I couldn’t trust my own bizarre thinking most of the time. The patterns of smoothing things over and keeping the calm are something I still have to work on. As we went through the divorce, my 6 year old baby girl had brain surgery with serious complications. She and I were in the hospital away from home for a month. We came home to the end of the divorce and him finally moving out a few weeks later (an indescribable relief).
Change is scary and that was a BIG change. I still see him several times a week to pick up or drop off the kids. He is still …him. But I don’t get sucked in by his negativity anymore. I am my own person now. Today, I don’t have anger toward him. I don’t blame him. I hope that someday he finds peace and happiness. It just wasn’t good for me. At all. And I have enough self-confidence and esteem to not fall into his traps anymore. His problems are his now. His negativity is his choice. It’s not how I want to live my life.
Now I have a home that I feel emotionally safe in. I can go home at night and breathe. I’ve been able to work on myself. I’ve learned the importance of being true to myself – and doing the right thing. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t making him happy either. Now I’m more content. I feel like I’m living my life, not someone else’s. And even more than that – I feel like I’m part of life again. I don’t feel stuck anymore. I’m financially broke beyond broke, a job with no advancement, no time off… and I’m happy. It’s just normal life stuff that can work itself out now. That feeling of constant struggle isn’t there anymore. Now it’s working toward things instead of fighting against them. I’m in a happy, healthy, loving relationship and wow what a difference. My children are more calm, are in activities now and excelling and growing and happy. It’s just a whole new life. It’s not perfect for sure. But it’s a good life and I’m grateful for it.
One and a bit years on, lots of soul searching and researching and the help from family, friends and Speakers including yourself from Hay House. I finally feel I am on the right road from a very toxic relationship if not narcissistic in its nature. Having experienced many traumas during a 11 year period I could never understand why I kept going back for more. Now I am dealing the things within me and doing trauma grounding and lots of meditation. To think once I stood in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit me, pleading for him to listen when I had a light bulb moment.
I have started to feel the old me coming back slowly as I heal but I have lost a lot of memory due to shut down, although some is return during meditation.
At 61 I feel I can at last live my life without fear of what is to come and the emotional hold he had has started to dissipate if not completely gone although it saddens me that I fooled myself for so long. But dealing with emotions is never easy and much harder as you get older. Especially when you are normally a very rational person in other areas of your life.
So I hope this helps others when I say ” there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can forgive them but most of all you can forgive yourself!”
Thank you all but this doesn’t seem enough.
Terry, Coventry, England
How do you all feel about breaking it off with your own father? I am 26 and he has been so detrimental to my health and well being since I was a teenager. Our relationship is so dysfunctional and it makes me so sad inside that our relationship continues to be totally draining on me. My mom says that its important for me to have my dad in my life, because he’s my dad, but at every try to make a go of it, I end up crying and upset for his lack of understanding. By the way, my mom and dad are divorced. We’ve been to counseling, and ended up more frustrated. I even had the opportunity to tape an argument we had and brought that into one of my solo counseling sessions. My counselor has helped with trying to “handle” my dad in certain situations, but it doesn’t last very long. I have asked my dad to give me space and not see or call me for a while. He has honored that and I feel so free and a weight is off my shoulders. I feel happier, because I’m around people who I can be happy with, and my dad is not one of them. So, back to my original question, what do you think about breaking it off with my dad?
I just did that after 50 years. There comes a point in your life while in the dysfunctional relationship that you have to do what you feel is right for YOU – your health and your emotional well-being depend on you !! No one can live your life for you and it is YOURS alone. You need to take care of YOUR needs first! You can do it. It might be hard to do, but there comes a time when you just have to e-x-h-a-l-e, release the negative and be done!
Hi Kris, thanks for being a mentor of mine. When I read this post, I had just finished (belatedly) putting up some workplace boundaries. I found the process to be so difficult! Over the course of about a year and a half at the job, I experienced more negativity than I had ever encountered in my entire life. My employer said it was because I was finally “swimming with the sharks”, i.e. “in the real world now”….but honestly, it just felt like a really really dysfunctional workplace. One that has been built and reinforced that way for 3 decades. While working, I would find myself daydreaming about a life where I did not dread reading emails, attending meetings or interacting with other members of my “team”. There were definitely times when I was very close to walking away, and then my employer or other colleagues in the field would say things that made me feel guilty for even entertaining the idea of leaving. It is a field with very good objectives, and laudable goals. In fact, they would make it seem like I had a “duty” to be there, that I now had this kind of sacred responsibility to do this work at any cost to myself, my family or my community. I am now on a “break” from that workplace, and in the process of reflecting on what my next step will be. I just want to make as positive a contribution as possible in the world, but am seriously doubting whether this is the field where I will do that. At any rate, your words came to be just in time to shore me up against yet another scenario where my willpower crumbled and I acquiesced yet again to their positioning. Thanks so much.
Such a great post Kris
I agree with leaving a toxic relationship, yet I’m wondering what to do when the toxic relationship is a parent-in-laws, what do I do to support my partner with her parents and I still keep my own sanity.
We are unfortunately living with them (just moved countries) at the moment and won’t be moving out for at least 6 weeks, any suggestions on, living in a emotionally stressful environment without alienating the Out-laws?
Thanks Donna
The last romantic relationship I was in before my husband was so toxic even now I cannot figure out why I stayed. I decided I wanted to end it but I didn’t feel strong enough. For months I decided to spend my time and attention on my other healthy relationships with family and friends. Finally I realized I had no need to continue in the bad relationship and I just let it go. No drama, no threats, no anything, I just said… you know this doesn’t work for me anymore. I really wish you the best.
My current toxic relationships are friends that just suck the life out of people… they want, they need, they complain, they are just negative negative negative and never seem to give anything…. to anyone at all. For those I decided finding the boundaries that would keep me sane worked best. Funny but when you don’t want to spend all day getting worked up about their every little problem they tend to find someone else to complain to.
I am living with cancer for the last four years. I am on the gorgeous spirit filled island of Kauai with one of two sons for a week of healing and relationship as I write this. Letting go and holding on. My relationship with cancer is the hardest relationship because I need the few healthy people I know to support and be here now as I navigate choices. Anyway aloha and thanks for your article. Love your stuff. Sometimes I just want to move somewhere like this and forget about all this cancer stuff….
This also applies to other relationships in your life such as friendships. Honestly, that’s what first came to mind when you said toxic relationships. It can be very hard to let a friend go whom you love and care about but does nothing for you. As of last week, I let a very good friend (also somewhat ex) go because everything he represented to me was toxic even though we love each other so much. He was never supportive of my new boyfriend but I always brushed it off. Jealousy is not something you should surround yourself by. It was very hard and still is to know I won’t see him again in any regard but it has uplifted me.
It took me 10 years to finally leave. I have 4 children with a man that never loved me! Why did it take so long? I held on to the idea of our family, of growing old together, of our problems coming from cultural differences, of his insecurities, I was the one with recognition and paying the bills.
I finally left when the emotional abuse escalated to threats of physical violence. My children and I moved back to the states, I had been living abroad for 20 years. No money, no child support, but no anxiety daily abuse. Then I found out, of course- I mean it’s text book trite isn’t it, about all the cheating. Then after a couple years I was diagnosed with cancer from hpv viruses.
I have never once doubted my decision, but I can not say that I have moved on. Emotional abuse takes it’s toll. Therapy, friends, knowledge, it all helps but there is still that voice inside my head that keeps me from
holding my head up high and marching forward.
I’m so happy to have found this website, and in my case as I am sure in many others my health was directly affected by my toxic relationship. It’s amazing to me how many people go through this, I know that finding these stories helped me tremendously at the time to come to the realization that it would never change.
Chris, as an artist, I have to tell you I admire your courage in being so personal. I’m sure you never imagined in a million years that this would be your life’s work, look how many people you have inspired and helped. Thanks.
I left a toxic job of 7 years this last December. It was heart wrenching. I worked for my church and Pastor. Talk about guilt. My trust in anyone was shattered. It was a long winter this year but now I am healing and joyous beyond relief. I noticed that after I left, I kept beating myself up. I finally realized that I continued where he had left off. With each step of healing and the freedom to grow there has been joy. Thank you for this article. It was just confirmation to keep moving forward and don’t look back. It is great to be me again!
Thank you Chris. So WELL SAID! I am trying, while encountering all types of new relationships. I’ve been, three years in a new town, about to move into my own home and add roots to my fresh start. It hasn’t been easy but my wings are stronger. I’m so happy that I have persevered and been truer to myself then ever before. Yes, your Post resonated with me!
Excellent article. I just ended a 20 year marriage. 15 of it was arguing with myself about how I should be able to keep it together (for the kids). I lost myself in the process. When I was forced to decide to end the relationship (a betrayal involving our kids), I feel like a new person! I did not realize how much of my spirit and self esteem was drained by that relationship. The best advice is to tell yourself the truth (and stop having a fantasy relationship). I highly recommend http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ to help with that.
Thanks Kris!
Jo
I’m in one, which answers most of the above with yes. It’s been 22 years, we have a daughter and a lot of debt. Plus I want to stay here, I don’t want to move. So there’s a lot to figure out and solve before I can end it.
My heart goes out to you. I’ve been there in different ways. It’s been a journey but there is light, i promise. It seems so many of us women have to make it through some well, kick a** soul searching and tests but if you can hang in there I know you’ll figure it out. A good friend once told me, “you’re always on the right path FOR YOU, just figure out the lessons”. God I was POd at the time but they were right. I’m not religious but the serenity prayer got me through alot and reading others stories and support.
Marie. xx
What a hot topic! I had a friend for over 40 years, and we broke up recently. We were spending inordinate amounts of time discussing and analyzing our relationship—-and soon we wrung out all the fun. That’s right—the toxicity was apparent–because we no longer laughed or created mischief together! And what is the point if there is no longer any humor or playfulness? I finally learned she was ashamed of her heavy drinking, and I wondered why we even held on to the friendship when our values and lifestyles were so different—given I rarely drink. Now I make sure I surround myself with friends with common values and who love to laugh and celebrate life!
Today I had a pretty perfect day. While I was relishing the moments on the train home, I thought about a few people that had to exit stage left for me to reach this point. The award speech thanks all those that provide support. Yet, this moment is brought to you by the “Life Lessons Learned” and those we’ve left at the fork in the road to find their own way.
Thanks Kris, timely as ever.
Thankyou thank you thank you for the words we all know but never have the courage to use for ourselves
I so needed this reminded to me of the soul sucking friend that emotionally bashed me when things didn’t go his way
4 years together. 10 months travelling, said goodbye at an international airport (with the intention of flying home separately and meeting up back at home)……got home, fell to bits, decided to end the relationship and havent seen him since. Of course there has been lots of phone contact in between, but we live on different sides of the country so no ‘bumping into’ one another. Grief is good. I’ve spent the 12 months since then not turning away from the gut-wrenching-ness of the situation and trying to focus my energies into whats best for me. I have had an AH-MAZING support crew, incredibly blessed for their unconditional love + ways of being. Its not enough to say the process was huge – its been life changing. I carried a lot of guilt for the way of ending it; but I know that I did the best I could at the time with the resources available to me (I was a bit of a toxic mess, poor spirit completely zapped)…and I keep learning. I havent been on any dates or had any flings, it just doesn’t feel right just yet. The biggest gift to come from this has been increased trust and faith in my ability to make decisions that are best for me.
I am leaving a toxic relationship now, and this post really gave me a boost. It has been way to lohg to let myself be so unhappy, I have known for years. Now I want to release mine and his wasted energy. I look forward to finding happiness.
Oooooh wow- this post really got to me today, thank you darling Kris.
After returning from a trip abroad, the overwhelming feeling I came home with that I had to be ‘me’ now more than ever and not resist the changes that my gut was telling me had to happen for my health, happiness and wellbeing. I’ve read about people taking big leaps in their lives and finally letting change happen, but it’s another thing to feel it yourself.
Thank you so much Kris for continuing to inspire us Kris- have a beautiful day!
Katie x
definitely agree – it took a trip abroad for my eyes to be opened too…..and i havent looked back!!
Having just gotten out of a 13 year marriage that had fallen apart the last two years (my husband got pretty abusive at the end), I connected with another man I’d been attracted to for years who has turned out to have narcissistic tendencies and a really negative worldview. Ahhh! I guess it’s time for me to let go of men for a while and figure out why I’m into the sorts of men I’m into and trust my intuition. I’m exhausted. Anyway, this post came at a perfect time-I’ve been doing energy work and meditation to try to let go-as well as cut the last guy out completely. As you said, no need to talk anymore, it’s finito.
Loved your post. It resonated with me in a most profound way. Could answer yes to almost all the questions. BUT… nearly over 45 years relationship and mental health of partner, emotional entanglement, interdependence… it all feels unsurmountable at this stage of life. May be the reason for the ache in my left breast and arm? You young ones listen to your friend Kris and take heed… you deserved fulfilment and happiness now and you are the architect of your own destiny. Just as I have been mine. I have been told it took courage to stay… BUT I feel that it was just lack of courage that kept me in place, and perhaps that addiction that Faye spoke of re the narcissistic behaviours. Expert manipulation is hard to pull away from especially if you are not particularly clever at manipulation yourself and you care and you are trying to consider the effects on your family and your partner is unable to see the effect of his/her behaviour. BUT… it does take 2 to Tango… it’s a shame we just keep treading on each others toes!! I know I’m not lost… just stuck (in a quagmire)… weighed down by all the BUT’s. Now I just have to figure out how to start unloading the BUT’s so I can step up onto dry land and see the “new” that’s out there…before I get dementia and forget what I’m trying to achieve!
Thank-you Kris!
It’s too funny or just karmic timing, But I was having an appointment with my Dr/friend today (who now lives far, far away, but was seeing patients today only, while here in Sonoma County for a few days.) We were speaking about my 14 year dysfunctional/unhealthy relationship and he said;
“Sasha, you know what to do to heal yourself,literally & metaphorically. You have know intuitively & consciously for years…It’s time to really do your work and allow yourself the freedom to let your body (spirit) heal.”
So, GGGRrrlll-friend~ I thank-you for your inspiration and lil’road map, as i have tried to do this many times and always fail myself…No longer!!!
IT’S TIME!
Positive thoughts my way and blessings, love and light your way~
Thank-you once again.
Warmest regards, Sasha.
Truly powerful. I’m going to have to read this again! Helpful reminder when your down and out for leaving from somewhere you stayed to long at -when its had its dramatic effects on you! Great reminder to remain in guilt, but to unveil that splendid you underneath it all -still there!
oh yes, just what the doctor ordered. Done yelling, moaning, complaining and wishing my husband would change! Done planning, excuse making, searching for the crystal ball and worrying about my almost grown children (they will bounce back, but my soul will shrivel up and die if I stay with their father) Taking the plunge after 25 years of marriage. Ready or not, here I come …. To be continued in my next chapter 🙂
I love you posts by the way!
Thank you soooooo much Kris for this blog… You are awesome and the timing is remarkable!
I wish I knew what to do about my toxic relationship, with my mother-in-law.
If I ask myself the questions above, almost all the answers are yes. However, cutting her out entirely would be very difficult and potentially not worth the fallout. My husband is wonderful and supportive of my/our attempts to maintain healthy boundaries. However, I’m not ok with asking him to cut her off, and I know if he were to maintain that relationship alone, it would NOT be healthy for our marriage. (We’ve spoken with a counselor who agreed.)
We also have kids, and while MIL is not stable or trustworthy, it has worked so far to supervise contact closely. Otherwise, they might never see their grandfather, aunts, uncles, or cousins on this side of the family either. While it makes perfect sense to end my relationship– we’ve already tried everything else!– it would take ending several other people’s relationships to truly excise the toxic person from my life. I’m still reeling from Father’s Day weekend. Also, since we live only a few miles apart in a small town, we’d have to sell our house and move, or get a restraining order, to end the constant encroachment.
My biggest fear is that I will become sick and unable to keep things under control any longer. It takes so much work, and I’m willing to put in the effort for the benefit of my family, but I do resent that the relationship is most costly, and least beneficial, to me.
I’ve ended a few toxic connections…friends, family and lovers. What I learned in (finally) in my forties was that I was recreating my family and attracting those who were emotionally unavailable and or narcissistic too often and and didnt share my core values while i rejected those who were loving and loyal. Though I’m still with my partner of 16 yrs we’ve gone through very painful times. I can relate to Kris with broken glasses, smashed phones, and curled up in the shower sobbing trying to deal with an overload of pain, loss and confusion. What we know as of three yrs ago is he was struggling with undiagnosed ADHD and depression. He has stuck with his treatment and while its not perfect…who or what is…it’s so much better. We’ve adopted Dr Phil’s motto of progress not perfection. Will we make it? I’ve learned to just accept what is. What’s harder? Forgiveness. It will be my spiritual practice for a lifetime. Thank you to everyone who shared their story including Kris. At times I’ve been ashamed of my emotions and unsure of my choice to disconnect but you’ve all helped me a bit more today.
Love, peace, healing and LAUGHTER for all of us, xox
I just ended a toxic relationship of a different kind — a job of four years that I was too scared to abandon because of the comfortable pay. But when I say toxic, I mean it: manipulative bi-polar boss, unrealistic, unclear job description, no respect, no appreciation, and a work environment that was feeding some very negative habits. I’m free now, and that relief is far more present in my life than the stress of looking for a new job or transitioning into a new routine. I am so glad I did it. When you get through the hard part, you never regret looking out for #1.
Wow, well put Kris! I just ended a relationship with a someone who has NPD. (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) Although, I didn’t know until after I was out of the relationship, that there was a term for it. I felt like something was ‘off’ the entire time I was with him but I could quite pinpoint it at first. As time went on and his true colours started to show, that’s when I started to see the what I felt was justified. But I continued to stay because I was brainwashed into thinking he was so wonderful. Even tho I knew he was extremely selfish and un-empathetic. It was a year of hell because I didn’t realize I was being manipulated. Fighting with this man was gut wrenchingly awful…nothing was ever his fault. He had a magical way of turning things on me and making me doubt myself if I started to challenge his behaviours. By the end of the argument I was exhausted emotionally and physically and wondered if it really was all my fault. Yikes! If you feel like you are being manipulated and feel like something is off and you don’t feel healthy and always are drained – you should do further research on toxic relationships, manipulation, and narcissistic personality disorder. I was searching for toxic relationships and manipulation when I discovered NPD. When you end a relationship with someone who has this, it’s so much worse then ending something that wasn’t toxic. But YOU WILL SURVIVE!!! You just might need a little extra help from the wonderful resources on line, counsellors, books, and spiritual teachers. No one knows what it’s like to be with a narcissist until they have been there themselves. I just wanted to bring up this in hopes that it might help someone else. If your intuition is telling you something is wrong – get on line or go to the bookstore and the right information will come to you 🙂 You will find great articles like this as well as a some amazing people on youtube who have great insight to help you understand what you are going through. The one thing I know about toxic relationships is that you will not feel yourself if you are romantically involved with someone who is not good for you. Your friends and family might even see it, making comments like “you don’t seem like yourself” . Take heart though, it will be tough but you will find the strength to leave a toxic relationship. You are not alone! So many others have found the courage to do it and you will too! Love to all.
Thank you so much for writing this.
Going through breast cancer has taught me a great deal, especially that in addition to having a physical immune system, I also have a spiritual one. I ended a toxic friendship when I went through chemo and am very proud of myself for doing so. I learned that I need to surround myself with people who lift me up and make positive choices in my life.
May we all continue to go from strength to strength!
j
Wow thank you SO much Kris for this deeply inspiring post!! I’ve also been in a very dysfunctionnal relationship for one year and half, and 7 months ago I found the energy to leave, even though I was madly in “love” with my ex. I must admit I had a terrible, desperatly sad winter, but now I feel so proud of myself for having the courage to let go. After several months of self-discipline (yoga every day, mantras, positive thinking and sticking to a fairly strict veggie diet), I’m noticing a rise in my creativity and my joy level is just exponential!! I know the road is long but I’m on my way back to happiness and that feels sooo good! Thanks again Kris for your beautiful weekly posts;-)
I left my marriage to a man I had been with for nearly 20 years. Everything was so out of balance, it’s taken me nearly 18 months of work with a wonderful coach to find out how I even feel about some things – I was so numb and tuned out, ya know? It had gotten to the point where i needed to search around for something to grip onto to get me through the day; meanwhile my husband had me second guessing myself, questioning my own sanity (am I going crazy??) and when he wasn’t subliminally putting me or someone else I cared about down, he was combing through my garbage can and reading my texts, accusing me of being “up to something” because he “could smell it”. Well, he was right, I guess, I was up to something: I rented a beautiful house on a lake in another province 1400 km away and called the moving company. It’s taken me these 18 months of healing time to know me again, and man, am I awesome! Thanks xoxo
Hi, Kris!
Lots of great advice for folks who are with someone who drains them, etc, but what do you do if you suspect YOU are the toxic one in the relationship? I have a very kind, very supportive boyfriend, but I feel like I am always sabotaging it – I’m cranky and mean for no real reason. I don’t know how to stop it, it seems totally automatic. I want to be the partner he deserves and the person I know I can be, but I just keep messing up.
Thanks!
heather
In case Kris doesn’t reply. I know for me finding a good therapist to talk to was key. She had shared experiences in life and was objective where my friends could not be. She helped me to see what my stuff was and what belonged to others (and not to hand others stuff back to them…ahem). It took a few years of hard work but I’m much more aware of where I was acting from fear. As Ellen says, be kind to yourself (but honest too). At least you are asking the questions, right? First step. Good luck.
Thank, Marie!
I think that’s a really good idea. I know I need help, and family and friends won’t (and can’t) be as subjective and honest as I would need them to be!
I’ll start looking into finding a good therapist 🙂
Thanks again! I really appreciate your kindness and taking the time to help a stranger.
Heather, most likely you are not toxic if you are self aware enough to see your hurting your partner. Maybe your actions are because you are not happy there and need some time off to figure out what you want? I know that’s usually the case for me when grumpiness starts to take over…..
Thank you, thank you, Kris for posting this and sharing. It was timely.
I really like this blog post. It completely resonated with me. What if the person you need to break up with is your 13 yr old step-daughter? Obviously I can’t end the relationship, she is with us half the time. How can I take these principles and apply them to someone who will remain in my life?
Wow, this really hit home for me. For me, the toxic relationship is with my mother. I probably would have released it a while back, but I am a mom myself and I’m not sure how to explain it to my daughter (she’s just 7). They are virtually strangers, but still … I am hung up on this aspect of it. Thank you, I will save this page and read it many times, I’m sure.
Thank You So Much
This was perfect timing for me. My husband just told me yesterday he wants a divorce and there is no salvaging our marriage. I have been gutted, but the truth is that as much as we love each other, it hasn’t been a great time. I’ve been stressed and crazy since we moved in with each other. I see this manifested in a strange double vision issue I developed. I’m scared to move on with out him, but I am determined to find the strength to create a better life.
I’m a mother whose only child, a daughter, has basically disowned me – and I do not really even know why. She refuses to discuss it with me; when I have tried, she goes on the defensive and screams at me and hangs up the phone. Because of my two darling grandchildren, there is still physical contact, maybe three times a year even though they live just 25 miles from me. I get to see my grandkids for their birthdays and for Christmas; this year we did not have Christmas together until February 1 because that was the first open date she had for a nothing/nobody like me. I so much enjoy seeing the children, but that’s only for a couple of hours and they really do not have a chance to get to know me and I am aware that I am not mentioned in their household. When my daughter is forced to have contact with me, she never greets me in any manner, just starts talking – never says goodbye, just leaves. I am not called Mom, that’s reserved for her mother-in-law – I just have no name at all unless I am referred to as Grandma with the kids. I am an old woman now, all alone, poor health yet I am never asked how I am doing/feeling, how things are, etc. My daughter has screamed and yelled at me via the phone and called me horrible things and told me that I am not her mother and that she is more adamant about that as she gets older – she’s in her early 40s now. She has always picked me up and put me down at her convenience; sometimes did not hear from her for long periods of time until she needed something from me. If I call her cell, I have been told not to leave a message because it uses up her minutes and she will call me back when she sees that I have called – but I might have to wait 12 or more days for her to get around to me. I can email, but may never get a response unless I ask about gift suggestions for the kids. I have tried to tell myself that I don’t need this aggravation at this point in my life, but it’s so hard to want to be loved and needed and just meet with indifference. My daughter posted a wall of family photos in her home and there are pictures of all types of relatives, but not one of me. If I ask that she take photos of me and the kids when we are together, she does not care if the photos are good or bad.
I asked her once if she wanted to be called in case of emergency if anything ever happened to me and there was no response. I need help trying to survive this situation. I’m all alone, I’m depressed and medicine can’t fix me,and I don’t know how anyone can be treated so badly by someone who has only been loved and protected and provided for by a person who always loved her so dearly. I was loving but strict, tried to raise my daughter with good morals, faith and a work ethic. I have never deliberately hurt anyone in my life but when I leave this world, I will leave it alone and with nothing to show that I ever lived. My mother hated and verbally/mentally/emotionally abused me my entire life, my husband cheated on me, my daughter has disowned me – and I don’t have a clue why this is how my life has turned out. Very hard to live as an invisible person! Best regards to all of you, I hope you take positive steps forward in your lives as circumstances deem for each of you.
Hi Marie,
I just wanted to say that I read your post here about your daughter and I know how awful you must feel. My mom often feels this way about her kids. Though I know we are much kinder to her than your daughter is. My mom often complains of feeling really alone and that if she died no one would know. I don’t live by her but my sister does and often my mom feels that my sister is ignoring her. My mom has been very hurt by several things my sister has said and done though my sister does feel she is doing her best to be apart of my moms life. I am busy with my kids and my career and I make time for my mom but not as much time as she would like so I know she often feels left out of my life. My sister is very alternative in her life style and doesn’t always feel like she can share her views with my mom. So a lot of the loneliness comes from these differences and the fact that both my sister and I are quite busy. We love our mom though but she feels we only call her when we need something. My sister gets really annoyed that my mom feels this way where as I can see how she would feel this way because she is a very sensitive and introverted person. My mom gets her feelings hurt very easily and often it seems to get in the way of her being out going and a little more resilient. But I see it as this is just how she is wired. But I think my point is that for what ever reason it feels irreconcilable because my mom will always be hyper sensitive and we may just always be a little insensitive. My mom gets really crunchy when her feelings get hurt and then with my sister that makes her defensive and they go in an endless loop. My sister suggested family therapy for everyone so these issues can be worked out but my mom felt my sister was saying she was crazy, so that just made the wedge worse. So it’s pretty hopeless, and though its not as bad as your intuition from my moms perspective it might as well be, it’s really awful and painful for her and I know it hurts her in a way that sucks out her energy and makes her feel worthless. I feel so sad for my mom but the truth is she often has a certain type of negativity because of this that makes it hard to be around her. She suffers from constant feelings of emptiness and being abandoned and before it was about other people like her mother or brother or past partners and now the focus has shifted to my sister. I am afraid to live to close to her because I know she would then feel I am responsible for her unhappiness. But at the same time I know my mom is lonely and being alone is very painful. I really feel for her and anyone else who is in this situation because what can you do? Often she will get to the point that he is going to cut my sister out of her life, but then my mom would be even more alone…. And at least in this situation though my sister is not very skillfull she does love my mom very much and does help her often. I think in your situation though you may need to make some boundaries with your daughter. I know she will think you are even more terrible and you may feel that way about making boundaries, but if her influence in your life is hurting you then I would go see a good therapist and discover the tools needed to protect yourself from a toxic relationship. A good therapist will help you find your voice and your dignity. It sounds like this situation robs you of your dignity and binds your voice. It’s ok to tell her you feel she treats you terribly and because its hurting you so much you can not be available right now…. And then see someone you feel can help you reclaim and heal those broken pieces because often after that happens a whole new relationship can develop, either with that person or instead of that person. But you can’t do the therapy hoping it will help the relationship, you have to do it to heal your pain. Some daughters are just not good daughters. Just like some parents are not good parents. It’s equally shocking. So you just have to find a way to heal yourself and therapy is a really good way to start that process. I hope this helps.
Opps Typos**
“intuition” meant to read as “situation”. And any “he” is meant a “she”….
This “break up” can also happen with a family member. That can add an extra element of stress. It’s much harder to just walk away, like it would with a love interest. Not to mention the emotional baggage and guilt other family members put on you.
But how do you get rid of toxic relationship when it involves your siblings? Anybody has any suggestions?
Depending on what’s going on, you may still just need to do it and deal with the repercussions from other family members (including your parents if they’re around).
I have a close friend who cut off contact with her siblings after they refused to recognize her (same-sex) marriage. She’s had to face a lot of pressure from her parents to back down, but it’s overall been a very good thing for her.
Great Qs to ponder & prompt us to do the right/self-loving thing. Which really means releasing all that is toxic.
Powerful post Kris, thank you.
yOU ALWAYS FIND JUST THE PERFECT WORDS TO HELP OTHERS — if I WOULD HAVE READ THIS YEARS AGO, I’m SURE IT WOULD HAVE SAVED ME ALOT OF GREIF. thank you & gOD bLESS YOU!!!
Hi Kris
This post really resonated with me. I spend most of my waking hours trying to figure out how to get out of my marriage. Just reading your words and the comments is causing me anxiety.
I knew 12 years ago that I no longer wanted to be with my husband. I initiated leaving twice but have never followed through. The whole thing overwhelms me and I panic but I’m not sure what scares me the most.
I have a daughter and I worry about her but I also worry about what she is learning by observing my behaviour in the marriage. I have fibromyalgia and feel unwell most of the time. I believe the symptoms are from the stress but still I can’t leave. Makes me feel crazy.
Thank you for the post and thank you to those making comments. Obviously I am not alone in finding this a very difficult thing to do.
WOW – I am so this person – thank-you for the pep talk
Books that helped me clean house on the wrong relationships I was hoarding: Trapped in the Mirror, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and The Sociopath Next Door
Hi Kris, I thank you for writing this. Reading it got me into sharing it to my Facebook friends and here’s what I wrote as introduction:
“I am a follower of Kris Carr, who I came to know of through the cancer (LMS) mailing list I subscribe to. My discovery of juicing was enhanced through the emails I receive from her on a weekly basis. Here’s one which I received today and which really hit home. I have been through in the past of releasing a toxic relationship, as she terms it, and it was very difficult to go through, something, which I thought at first, to be impossible to accomplish. And yet I did it and am now enjoying the freedom and the happiness of living with someone who is near perfect a husband any woman could have ever asked for. I am again in the process of releasing another toxic relationship, after identifying it lately as the one adding too much a burden to my already over-burdened shoulder, and I am experiencing this “posing” mode at the moment. This is because of my stubborn attitude of not easily giving up! The same way I prolonged my agony in the past, thinking that the person I finally broke up a legal relationship with before, will change for the better. This very practical advice of Kris will surely help me get through this latest toxic relationship. But don’t get me wrong, it is not with someone romantically involved with me. It is with someone who I have been helping to stand on his own two feet, someone not related to me by blood, who has now become abusive of my kindness and benevolence. I hope, too, that Kris’ advice will help those who are now undergoing the process of getting rid of the “unwanteds” in their life . . .”
And here’s an added post: “Habitually attempting to fix the unfixable is crazy-making.” – this is one part in the article which really hit home! I think the only way for me to get out from it is by accepting that I cannot FIX the person, and by so doing, I can do the rest of releasing him from my responsibilities. It is high time that I learn to accept that not all people are designed to be good – no matter how you try to make them good and productive. . .
Freda
Dear Kris,
WOW! Did I ever need to hear your words this morning . . . I’ve felt so alone in this decision, and then I opened my mail . . . there you were “on my side.” The toxic relationship I am trying escape from is my church. Oh I know . . . Blasphemy! Sacrilege! Who dares to speak ill of one’s church.
It’s no longer the church where I once thought I could find a sanctuary of love and acceptance . . . a spot of solace, peace. Not so. Today I find bigotry, empty platitudes, discord and rigid spinelessness. After 70+ years I find the reason for the empty pew is that the church is an empty shell of its former self.
I finally feel strong enough to run away from its phony, saccharin atmosphere and return to my inner sanctum which is a 108-year-old farm where the work may be dusty and endless but is most satisfying and the solitude is sublime . . . it is also a place where I am surrounded by tranquility . . . sans a building topped by a cross.
Thank you for all your support and yummy food ideas.
Dear Jean,
I abandoned my church too! Good for you. The love and acceptance there was built on rgidity and too many rules to make any sense at all. I have come to believe that God is love, and God and love are in each one of us. Religion is not spirituality. It sounds like you have spirituality and that is the best essence to have. Namaste, Christina
Thanks for starting this conversation Kris, and thanks to all who are sharing! Reading through the comments actually makes me feel human and better. So often we tend to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and it’s rarely the case.
On one month of bedrest in Dec 2009 I prayed and prayed for clarity and received it. I’d survived over 3 years of chronic appendicitis, and years and years of unrelenting betrayal and stress with a severely emotionally disturbed husband. I knew I needed out but was stuck. I made plans to get independent, and took the leap of faith one year later. It’s been a brutal and oppressive 3-year court divorce I am still enduring (he’s wealthy and powerful) – but I’m happier and
healthier OUT. I would get out earlier if only I could go back – for my kids’ health and my own. Blessings, All.
This is so true, but very difficult for me. I’m in a toxic relationship with my husband and it’s affecting our children. I’m so exhausted and although I know what to do, I do not have the courage to go through it. I’m scared and afraid in many levels. People will be shocked. They think he’s the greatest guy, friend, husband and father. He’s not, but I’m no angel either. I just want to be happy. Including our kids and him…And I can’t fake “happy” anymore.
This post really spoke to me. After years of struggling to build a healthy relationship with my mother, I finally decided to take a six month “break” away from her to try and discover if it is worth trying to pursue the relationship or not. I really like the questions you’ve posed, and after being honest with myself, I think I can finally see that the relationship is toxic. It never is easy walking away, but I agree that constant struggle is not part of a health-full life. Thank you for your words of wisdom!
Recently got out of a six year relationship that was very dysfunctional and toxic for me. I allowed this person to pour buckets of pain on me again and again and again & over the course of time, completely gave away my power. I’m now in the process of grieving the end of the relationship (or the shattering of the illusion of the relationship) and, more importantly, doing the deep work of figuring out WHY I participated in such an unhealthy and imbalanced relationship; why I allowed myself to be so devalued. It’s hard stuff but necessary for moving on to a healthier life.
Not sure if it is cool to reference other resources here, but Natalie Lue’s website http://www.baggagereclaim.com has been a lifeline through this process. She is very helpful in helping readers get very clear about identifying toxic relationships, evaluating how they work (or don’t) in our lives and ultimately leaving them. The advice that’s been most helpful is that of putting the focus back on me, my life and what I value. (As opposed to constantly ruminating about him.) I have a long way to go and much work to do but feel very optimistic that getting out of this toxic relationship is a life-changing act of love that is going to improve my life tremendously.
I send love and best wishes to all readers here who are going through this difficult process. MANY THANKS for this wonderful post.
Recently got out of a six year relationship that was very dysfunctional and toxic for me. I allowed this person to pour buckets of pain on me again and again and again & over the course of time, completely gave away my power. I’m now in the process of grieving the ned of the relationship (or the shattering of the illusion of the relationship) and, more importantly, doing the deep work of figuring out WHY I participated in such an unhealthy and imbalanced relationship; why I allowed myself to be so devalued. It’s hard stuff but necessary for moving on to a healthier life.
Not sure if it is cool to reference other resources here, but Natalie Lue’s website http://www.baggagereclaim.com has been a lifeline through this process. She is very helpful in helping readers get very clear about identifying toxic relationships, evaluating how they work (or don’t) in our lives and ultimately leaving them. The advice that’s been most helpful is that of putting the focus back on me, my life and what I value. (As opposed to constantly ruminating about him.) I have a long way to do and much work to do but feel very optimistic that getting out of this toxic relationship is a life-changing act of love that is going to improve my life tremendously.
I send love and best wishes to all readers here who are going through this difficult process. MANY THANKS for this wonderful post.
all i can say is…thank you
Thanks Kris.
Serendipitous this post came today – and from you. Many people in the last couple weeks have said you and I need to connect… but it seems I was too focused on the relationships that weren’t serving me… I realized that last night … and then I wake up to this….
We need positives in our lives and things (people included) that serve our greater purpose.
Thanks for the reminder.
Love + Light
Jen
I broke up with a friend a while ago, who was really toxic to me. We both have illnesses that often make it hard to socialize, so we had established, when we became friends, that we could do things like cancel at the last minute or just plain say no to social events.
Sadly, she rarely did, and I needed to, and eventually, she would lose it and blame me for not being there. She would ask for a ‘meeting’ so we could discuss our friendship and basically tell go on to tell me how bad I was as a friend. She would tell me that our relationship was one where I depended on her and she needed me to depend on her, but then would blame me for not showing up when I was really sick.
She got pregnant and was in a very unstable relationship, and things just got worse. I did not want to be around them because it stressed me out so much. Their relationship was so stressful, and I couldn’t stand to know that that poor kid was stuck in the middle.
So I saw her less and less, and eventually she called for one of those meetings and I told her that it was enough. I couldn’t go on like we had anymore. I told her why I thought the relationship was toxic to me, how it affected me, without blaming her. I just told her how I felt. She told me she never imagined I could be so mean and that it she would see if she still wanted to be my friend later on. For me it was over right then and there. I am not a mean person. I did feel the need to be honest, but there was no blame.
Anyway, it’s been months now and I still wonder how she’s doing sometimes, but I’m glad I ended it, even if it was hard to do. Truth is, I had been thinking about it for a while before I did.
This post could not have come at a better time. I am currently struggling to end an 11 year relationship (married for 6 years) with 2 children ages 3 and 5. Over the past 5-6 years I began to notice that I was not feeling “fulfilled” in our relationship so I figured it was time to have a family. I love my kids, but I realize today that was not the problem. The problem was we are just not compatible with each other on many levels and we were already drifting apart and not growing together and the signs were showing. The man I married is a good man, but we never communicated in any way, he would shut me out for days if he was upset about something and I was left trying to “figure it out” if it was me or something else, and I would try and talk to him only to get a “nothings wrong” response. We never did anything as a couple, especially when the kids came along. We are not at all intimate – no cuddling, hugs, kisses, sex, no I love you’s etc… I never received compliments and I generally felt taken for granted being a wife and mother doing everything to keep the household together. I began feeling very lonely. I even told him I was lonely only to get a “make some friends” response. He did his own thing, working in our home office most nights on his work until bedtime or puttering in the garage doing “projects”. I would cry a lot and would never be asked what was wrong. He just never listened to me and I honestly felt like he checked out of the relationship. i felt un-loved and unsatisfied for a long long time. Since having our kids especially I just feel like we are two people tolerating each other, living together raising kids. Any time he traveled for work I noticed a big change in my mood. I felt great and free and my mood would automatically be lifted. It was a big wake up call for me in noticing how I felt. He was gone for 14 days the beginning of 2013 and I felt great and relaxed. I fianlly drummed up the courage to tell him how I felt and that I did not feel like we had a relationship anymore. Of course this came as a complete shock to him and man do I feel guilty. My guilt for hurting him is holding me back right now. I am trying to drum up the strength to move on with my life. I need to. Now he is doing everything in his power to keep me. The problem is the way he is acting is making me feel even more guilty and I am getting angry and resentful. I am being smothered with kindness and he is doing everything for me and nothing for himself. He also tells me that I am destroying our family and it will affect the kids in a negative way if we split up. He cries in front of me, the kids and it is making my head spin. Everything he asks me to do for him is a “favour” like I owe him something. I hope to hear more stories like mine. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do and I am struggling to break free.
I can relate. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 12 years (since I was 19). He loves me very much and treats me extremely well. He is thoughtful, kind, considerate, always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am and that I am the “love of his life.” The problem is, I don’t feel the same. I love him deeply in the way one loves a best friend or family member but I can’t shake the feeling that there is more. Over the years our values have changed and grown apart. I am a social worker and politically liberal. He is a carpenter who identifies as libertarian. This has begun to drive a wedge between us over the years. I am health conscious and desire to lead an active and adventurous lifestyle. He says he wants these things but getting him to do any activity is like pulling teeth. I also don’t feel we share the same dreams or vision for our future. He would be content to live in our home town forever and I dream of travel and living somewhere new. I am just not sure he is my “spiritual partner.” I am so scared and confused. My mother who just ended a truly toxic relationship and is single at age 57 is advising me to stay, saying “the grass is not always greener, he loves you, what more could you want?” My friends understand my concerns but still advise me to proceed with caution. I feel so scared and guilty. I want to be the last person on earth to hurt my sweet boyfriend. I cannot imagine my life without him but I cannot help but feel there is more to life and love. I am scared to stay and wonder “what if?” I feel like I am having a quarter-life crisis.
Before you leave read, ‘The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive’ by Susan Page. Page also wrote, ‘Now That I’m Married, Why Isn’t Everything Perfect’, I’ve not read this title but if it’s anything close to ‘The 8 Essentials . . .’ it’s a winner!
Because you are both with loving partners there may be hope for a renewal of love and commitment. I’ve been told that when you move on to another relationship that there will be 10 different things about that partner/relationship that are not ‘perfect’ either.
Best of luck . . .
Thank you for the advice Darris. I really appreciate it.
Thank you for your comment Lindsey, I’m going through the exact same thing. I feel like I have the best man a girl could have, but yet I’m missing something. I find it very devastating, it makes me literally sick. That’s the only reason I would describe the situation as toxic, because he as a person isn’t toxic or abusive at all! I can’t imagine living without him either, the thought alone kills me, but living like this kills me too.
I hope you find your truth about your relationship really soon now, and the courage and trust to act upon that truth, whatever it may be.
Sending you lots of love x
Beautifully worded Kris. I’ve been saying these things for a few years….it’s very difficult for human beings to see beyond their fear but it is absolutely necessary to live a full life.
Thank you for being the voice this new day.
Pam
I was truly scared of loosing him, but the anxiety he was causing me was overwhelming. When he pulled his disappearing act I thought I was having a heart attack. Like someone sitting on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I sent the text I knew would break my heart. Wishing him the best and saddened by the fact that it didn’t work out. Afterwards I had such relief. Today day one and he basically turned it on me and as usual didn’t acknowledge or apologize for his actions. However, I deserve more, I deserve what I give and if he didn’t appreciate it so be it. I have to care about myself and my wellbeing.
This is GREAT! I’ve had to be brave and walk away from a few things recently. It was scary and very out of character for me. But, it has been worth it to rid my life of that toxicity!
looking good here nice one
Rings true. I am in a fifteen year relationship. This man took care of me during my chemo.(2004) Since then, he has cheated, lied and although I forgave him for me, I do not trust him. I see him differently. He never has the energy or the time to go anywhere or do anything for me. A short time ago, I was very ill and did not return his calls for two days. He told me I was very replaceable and had better watch my behavior. I still stay in the relationship. I get so mad at me.
Kim don’t be mad at yourself. I know all too well how hard that is, but I also know making yourself wrong will just keep you stuck with him. You are NOT replaceable! There is only one you in all of the universe. You can never be replaced. You are special beyond measure and the universe needs exactly who you are. When people need to keep you down to make themselves feel worthwhile, it would be sad if it wasn’t such a damn cliche! You deserve a man who loves you and thanks god every day that you came into his life. You survived chemo and everything that went along with it- you are strong and unmessable with! You deserve a happy life
What about when your toxic relationship is with yourself? I am finding that the most destructive person in my life is me. The me that holds on to bad habits for dear life and has unkind thoughts about herself. I think that divorcing yourself from the “bad friend” inside yourself is the most healing path yet.
what do you do when it is your daughter? she stopped speaking to me – it has been almost 2 years and the pain is unbearable… she is 35 and I fear she is not coming back…do I just ‘release the relationship’ for my own health?
How painful, I am so sorry. The first thing I would suggest is to a little internal reflection. Do you know why your daughter stopped communicating with you? Are her complaints legitimate? Any part of her complaint? Has her behavior been erratic?
The point here is to figure out what part of this you must take responsibity for and what is hers. For the portion that is yours, think about what you will do differently if you were to reunite. Don’t simply say, “I won’t do x again”, write tangible changes you will make when in certain situations (e.g. When she raises her voice I take that as a cue to mentally step back and breathe so I don’t respond in kind).
If you can see a therapist, I’d recommend it. I can’t promise you your daughter will come back but if you share that you have made growth through introspection, she may be curious to know more.
Thanks for your response, Savannah…. the story is long – but the short of it is, we had a very close and wonderful relationship for most of her life…I raised her and her brother by myself with very little financial support from their father and no emotional support from any family members. thank goodness for my friends! I have told her I take responsibility for any things that she is holding me accountable for – I did my best, they had what they needed, many times what they wanted, including my love and dedication….but the lose of her father at the age of 10 was difficult for her- I am being punished for…it seems like – now that she is an adult. He was not the man for me…met him at 15 and married him at 17 and had her at 19 – he was my escape from my insane asylum that I lived in…and he was not a responsible or grown up person…still really isn’t…there are so many other things that come into play…that I can’t and don’t want to share here – but bottom line… I have been there through thick and thin for my sweet girl – and will do anything to have her back – within that two years – we spoke, I thought mended so much…she got married and I was there for her and helped make her day special…and she went off the rails again within 7 mos of the wedding. She has forbid me to contact her until SHE is ready – and i hurt every day. So, Kris’ advice to let go of toxic relationships… or more so, pain in your life that is holding you back from living your best life… how can I do that? How can I walk away from this person that I love more than life itself? I have learned to ‘compartmentalize’ our connection and let it out when the pressure valve can’t take anymore…and then i put it away again until…. but, life does pass so quickly, and we never know what tomorrow can bring… there is no promise of tomorrow… I so want to be part of her life and she mine….
And yes, I have done so much internal reflection…have put my past to rest and forgiven those who trespassed against me… she lives 7 hours away – drive – or else i would love to seek therapy with her… but that is not happening…especially when she has cut me off totally. I have done a lot of work on myself… I think she had me on a pedestal and when she realized that I was fallible and human and a woman just like her who makes mistakes…it changed her…
Re: Staying together for the sake of the kids…..
A couple of comments have touched upon this topic, so I thought I might share my experience….
I have 3 wonderful kids, ages 10 – 15. The four of us are moving out – away from my husband- in less than 2 weeks. “Toxic” is a good way to describe our marriage for the past years. Last summer I decided that this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life, but that would “hold it out” until the kids are through school, meaning until they have moved out. I thought that having an angry/difficult father was better for them than having no father at all. During the fall the atmosphere at home got even worse, and I could see that the kids were suffering. In December THEY actually came up to ME and said that they couldn’t take things the way they were any more. They couldn’t stand to be around their father when he was acting so poorly all the time. I took this seriously and realised, now it is up to me. So after some difficult months of planning, I am now at the point where I will soon be FREE!
The children are somewhat nervous about the move, but now that they know that things will change for the better they are much calmer now. They are really looking forward to our “new start”.
For anyone planning a separation – DO find someone to support you ex. a coach, and make sure you get all the legal/health support you need. And don’t be afraid to rely on dear friends 🙂 I am so happy already, and reading this article as well as some of these comments just remind me that I am on the right path.
Peace to all of you!
I have been struggling for the past little while about this very topic. Opening my email this morning and seeing this posted, was meant to be. I will take full control of “MY” life. I will be responsible for my short comings and accept the blame for the situation I am in. BUT, I will not accept someone else taking control of my life ! It is time. That feels good just saying it 🙂
About a month ago, out of the blue, I heard my inner voice say, “Do you know how hard it is to keep dead things alive?” As I pondered that statement, it stopped me dead in my tracks, and I began to feel what that meant for me personally in my own life. As I took inventory of all aspects of my life, I knew it was high time to do what I knew I needed to do. Phase one–was to end a toxic, draining, and empty relationship. I had to get over the fear of being single again. And I’ve done just that. As so many of you have shared, once you get your feet back on solid ground again, you re-connect with yourself in a magical way, and the weight begins to lift. So I ended the relationship….oh, and I cut my hair. LOL.
This is an amazing journey.
Peace and blessings to you all!
I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years on Friday night and actually laughed and forwarded this to my friends when I received the email talking about break ups. Reading down through the questions to ponder, many of the answers are a definitive yes’! I have told my girlfriends that if I want to go back they need to help keep me grounded and centered so I stay strong and do what I know I need to do. When reading the blog, I felt that I could particularly relate the statement “There’s no need to force the other side to see my point. If they were going to see it, that would have happened long ago. It’s over. Finito.” I tried to do that for so long and I now realize it is futile. Thanks for your inspirational blog, documentary and books and sending me this email at the exact moment that I needed it. It gives me the strength to stick with my decision.
Thank you for this. The timing of having stumbled upon this post is spectacular – there is no such thing as coincidence. I just broke up with my boyfriend this afternoon. It’s true what you say about how we’d rather stay in the broken places that move on to a terrifying unknown. I had wanted this one to work so much but it clearly wasn’t and there wasn’t any way to fix it anymore. It’s an extremely painful decision to make, but then you realise that if the other person isn’t putting in the same effort to make it work, then he/she is not worth it. When that’s the case, then eventually, you even realise that startling little truth that the other person has a lot more to lose than you do. It sounds arrogant perhaps to say this, but it isn’t meant to be – it’s about reclaiming back your power and realising that there’s something and something far more deserving of the wonderful you out there. It’s a terrifying unknown, but as Kris says, it can also be glorious.
Thank you Kris for showing us “toxic” for what it really is and for sharing the courage to take that leap into something more glorious. Thank you for showing us that it’s not only okay but that it can be so much better xxx
Thank you for the post, Kris. Unlike most other folks commenting, I broke off a relationship with a toxic family member, my mother, about two years ago, and it was honestly the best thing I could do for myself. It was difficult for me to do in many ways – I had many nights where I broke down and sobbed for hours, developed stomach issues as a result of it (which I later cured when I accepted my decision and made peace with it.) But then in other ways, it was so easy to do. I don’t tense up everytime the phone rings now. I am healthier and happier than I have ever been before. I am less anxious, less stressed, more optimistic and positive, and have more fulfilling relationships with other people in my life. I have found my true purpose in life and have taken action steps to pursue my goals and dreams, and it all feels so wonderful. It is amazing to see how much positive change I have encountered over the past two years, and I truly believe it wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t end the toxic relationship. A lot of people don’t understand how I could stop talking to my mother – some even think I’m a bad, selfish person – but I don’t let that effect me because I know in my heart, and in my mind, that I have made the best decision for my life and those who are close to me also recognize this. Thank you for posting this! It made me reflect a bit on my decision and changes over the past few years and now I’m feeling really good this Monday morning. Much love to you for all that you do and the truth that you speak! xoxo
I am in the process of ending my relationship with my mother, and so I can really relate to what you’ve shared here. How incredibly brave of you! I was wondering how you were able to get past the sobbing and stomach issues (which I can relate to!) to find the peace? I’m still in the early stages of wishing that things could be different and bracing myself for each correspondence but I long for the positivity and optimism that you speak of. I would appreciate any advice you could share. Thanks!
It was helpful to read your post Andrea. I am in a simialr situation. It has been about 6 months since I finally stood up for myself, didn’t hold my tongue and honored myself with some self-respect.
My dad died when I was five. My mom got pregnant and married (to the guy she was having an affair with before my dad died) within months of my dad dying. Her new husband was an alcoholic. He sexually and physically abused me, my sisters, cousins – who know who else. My mother was very controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive – even told me as a child that I should have died instead of my dad. Every time I tried to “tell”, the situation got worse. As soon as I was able, I left home, moving over 2000 miles away.
Years later, while in therapy, I flew back to try to talk to both of them and try to heal the past. While he seemed to be apologetic for what he had done, my mom went ballistic calling me every four-letter word imaginable, telling me “I was a liar, but it if did happen, it was my fault.” Still amazes me how she could justify blaming a seven-year old.
After that trip, I didn’t talk to them for years. Finally, feeling like I had an obligation, I got back in contact with them. For what I don’t know. The relationship consisted of her talking, talking, talking for hours and hours on the phone (mostly my dime of course) with me barely saying a word. My husband would often comment that he thought maybe no one was on the phone and I was just sitting there holding the phone. She seldom even acknowledged anything I said, just kept going on, mostly complaining about everyone and everything. I would say over and over – need to go, have to get up early for work in the morning, not feeling well; She would just keep on talking. This went on for years. My husband kept telling me to just hang up, but I couldn’t – that’s rude!
Fast forward to 2011 – The day I returned home from having cancer surgery. She did call – she asked how I was feeling, not sure she heard me say how sick and in pain I was, but did keep talking – for five hours! Luckily I had a headset, pain pills and was in bed. I don’t think she even noticed that I was fading in and out.
The last time I was on the phone with her, I just could not take anymore. When she called, I told her as soon as we got on the phone that my husband and I had plans for the night with friends. She didn’t acknowledge my comment, just started on how horrible the holidays were, what my sisters were doing wrong – on and on. FINALLY, the bomb exploded. I could not take anymore. I told her I was done, I was tired of listening to her tear apart and blaming everyone and everything and not taking responsibility for herself and I didn’t want to listen to her monologues anymore. I then hung up. For a few minutes there was total silence in the house. Then everyone came into the kitchen and cheered. They said they had been waiting for this moment to happen for years and they were so proud of me. I have not spoken to my mom since. It is sad that the relationship has ended, but after all these decades it is very liberating for the abuse to be in the past.
Dear Andrea,
I am grateful to read your response today. I am divorced after a bad marriage, and finally learned that the marriage was familiar because of my parents. Geez. After finally realizing that, it has taken me almost a year to terminate that toxic relationship (and that with a sister as well). The break-up was hard – so many tribal beliefs to breakdown, and narcissism to boot. But the last three months of no ex, no parental or other space in my life (and that of my three kids) has been nothing short of miraculous. We (my kids and I) are all in a loving and peaceful relationship with each other and are communicating in clear and kind ways with each other. I understand the partner/spouse break-up’s, but the family of origin one is so different and in many ways harder. It is much harder to recognize dysfunction when you grow up in it. Many blessings to you. Namaste.
Thank you for your post Andrea. I am still trying to figure out how to separate myself from my mother. She lives alone and is heavily dependent on me and my family. I can literally feel the energy being drained away while in her presence. We live only a few minutes away, and I have a very difficult time setting boundaries. If I do not call her back in a timely manner, she continues to call or shows up at my house. I have gained 30 pounds and am experiencing depression. I feel that our relationship is actually benefiting her, as I am release for her negativity. I would really like to move and my husband and I are trying to make plans to do so. Since I have lived close to her, I have seen my fear and anxiety escalate and my physical health deteriorate. It is very difficult to think of leaving her alone, but I know this relationship is toxic and I am suffering. It also trickles down to my children and spills over to my husband who has to listen to me complain. Your post has inspired me to make some serious changes.
Thank you Kris for your bautiful words, and constant inspiration. I live in Ireland near Dublin (same timezone as London UK) am an independent music professional. Songwriter/singer/creative artist. May God bless you and yours always.
Kindest regards,
Peter Lawlor
Hey Peter …
I cant wait to get to Ireland one day …. there is something special there….. my heart calls me there…
Cath from Australia
I ended an 18 year marriage to an alcoholic that was so dysfunctional I almost went crazy. Having children made it harder but I finally knew nothing I could do would ever “fix” my ex or make him happy. I agree with Kris that keeping a journal can help–it did for me. It helped me see the dysfunctional patterns I kept repeating–I would cycle through the same pattern about every 3-6 months. This scared me because at the end of each cycle I would think ” Wow I am learning about myself, I will never do this again”, and 3-6 months later I’d be reading my journal crying on the beach with my Starbucks and saying “I did it again”. So a really cool therapy called “EMDR” and a really great therapist finally helped me to find and hit my internal “reset” button (along with a lot of exercise, healthy eating, and like Kris says just being kind and loyal to myself. I am now so happy and in the first healthy relationship that I have ever had. And it is scary as hell, but I would never go back.
Thank you Kris! I just love this blog!!
After 3 failed marriages and 20 years of self loathing and destructive eating and drinking I have come to realize this simple fact. If I love me I won’t hurt me on purpose. If some one I love hurts me they are responsible. If I hurt some one I love I am responsible. Responsible people fix their mistakes. They search for answers that will change their future. I so appreciate this opportunity to be a part of a forum of others who also have, or are presently experiencing the devastating effects of a broken heart. Good health to you and me.
Easier said then done when it come to a sibling. If it were a friend I would have hit the road years ago. It is helpless when it is someone in your family. Your post definitely comes at a time when I am trying to make lifelong decisions. It has been 42 yrs you would think I would have some answers by now!
I was stuck in a toxic relationship years ago and had a coaching session by phone – just one! – that changed my life. The coach had me do an exercise where I was 3 entities: me, the person I couldn’t seem to end it with and the relationship. Then she asked each a question. (This could be done by journaling too.)
Question to the relationship: “what is is like to be you”
Question to the person I was stuck staying with: “what do you know that Lisa doesn’t?”
Question to me (Lisa): “knowing these answers, what is your plan?”
This seems so simple, but speaking for each of these gave me surprising insights, a profound breakthrough and a practical plan for ending the relationship.
PS I did, met the man of my dreams 4 months later, got married and am living an amazing, fun, happy life.
omg all your posts have to do with my life ! I broke up 10 days ago and even thought i’m sad I can answer yes yo many of the questions your wrote. I still want to get back together because i also remember the good moments… But lets hope, there is such thing as “true love” waiting for me in the future…..
I had to end a relationship with a friend from high school. It was really hard to do but I was going through a tough pat h and this person was just kicking me when I was done so I had to let go.
When it’s family that’s a different story. I learned with family to love some from a distance, don’t get dragged into their drama by keeping an open mind and limit my visits and phone conversations. After all you cannot choose family right?
Beauty-full article Kris.
I decided to leave a 17 yr marriage at 46 yrs of age (to a person i had been with since i was 17) 4 years ago. It was riddled with emotional abuse and honestly just had evolved into two unhappy people going through the motions (SO painful)…and leaning on each miserable-other until the whole thing crashed. There was blame, unkindness, and misery. We did have 3 gorgeous children and I stayed far far too long because of them, to keep up a front, to pretend. Note to all of you: this never ever is a good idea. I know now (with that scrumptious gift of hindsight) that staying together for the kids is a terrible idea…its a lie…and lies don’t resonate well with the soul. The soul will fight you tooth and nail every single time when it knows you are lying. It is just a fact that children would rather come from a broken home than live in one. I thought it would be devastating for them when they were young….here is a secret….it was no less devastating when it did inevitably happen.
I entered into a new relationship just weeks after leaving my ex husband (note to breakup pit crew….fine, you were right…BAD idea) and man alive was that a mistake. The person i attracted was exactly in line with how i was feeling at that time …crappy, low self esteem, sad, devastated, and scared to name a few. Imagine the person that would want to partner with someone like that. While it served a very real needy need it was extremely unhealthy and toxic in the long run…… and (no shocker here) the relationship was ultimately hellacious to get out of 2 1/2 years and 4 breakups later (yes it took him leaving me once and me leaving him three times to get it…..thank you for your patience universe.!). While i didn’t have broken church glass i did have to be talked down from hurling an uncooked 20 lb turkey at his front door the day before Thanksgiving (when yet another breakup had occurred). Were we 16 or 40 something???? File that under not such a proud moment. Sometimes in heartbreak there is humor to be found in snippets of the freak out exit blurs as two souls that were not meant to be try to part….my girlfriend saying to me on the phone….”put the turkey down…do you hear me? Get in the car, turn the car around an take the turkey home!!!! I am happy to report I listened.
I think most notable to me in all of this is how both of my exes acted/reacted/behaved when i decided to leave. They were angry, miserable, mean, viscous, cruel, vindictive and weak. I used to cry and cry to my pit crew and ask WHY, WHY are they being so unkind…..and do you know what this genius tribe of people said time and time again. We are not surprised at all. This is how they acted when you were with them, why would they act any differently after? They also went on to wisely say if they (the exes) had acted kind, heartfelt, generous, empathetic and nurturing, even in a breakup, then these would not have been the kind of men you would have had to leave. GENIUS,,,,give that pit crew a breakup book deal!!!!! Ah the wise words of those you are sometimes not ready to hear but if lucky words you can one day digest and learn from.
xoxo
Cathy, I love your sense of humour. It’s the one thing that keeps me going in my 18 year marriage which I decided for sure today to end, just before reading this post. One time after my husband had finished a big long rant he said he just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I thought to myself, we’re not even in the same bloody library mate. Not something I would say out loud because that would just start him up again. And as for what others have said about knots in their necks and feeling physically ill. I went to get my neck massaged because I couldn’t stand the pain anymore only to be told by the masseuse that I needed more than my neck massaged and it was the worst case he’d ever seen. He was so kind to me and I was in tears in the end because not only did he release the physical pain but the emotional pain I keep inside. It’s really sad when a total stranger is kinder to me than my husband who is supposed to love me. I have a lot to work out before I leave but one thing I know for sure is I’m going to be a lot happier and at peace.
Thank you, beautiful soul Kris. I really needed this today.
I really believe in things happening for a reason, and getting this blog post today has got me crying rivers…
I’ll be celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary on Friday, my 30th birthday at the end of the month, my son’s turning 2 months old tomorrow and I have a 3.5 year old daughter. I’ve been in a dead end with my husband for a while now and recently things have gotten worse and worse. I’m in a verbally abusive relationship and am so used to being a strong and independent woman yet in this situation I feel like there is no way out. My husband and I have started therapy, for the 2nd time, and it doesn’t seem to be helping. I know for a fact that the only reason I am sticking it out is because of my children. Even though my daughter is really starting to be affected by what is going on, even making comments like “daddy is naughty” or “daddy is mean” and telling him to stop being grumpy and to stop complaining all the time, which really worries me.
As I read the questions to ponder on, there is not one I didn’t answer “yes” to, I’m exhausted (not even by my baby, but by my marriage), feel so belittled, frightened, lost…
Thanks for this post Kris, I really hope it’s going to help me to get where I’m going, wherever that may be!
Sarah
Please see my post. Do NOT “stay for the children”. I will not speak for you or judge you, but for me it was a very convenient copout and excuse so i wouldn’t have to make the tough decision to go out and be brave and conquer my fear of being alone. I made that decision (for the survival of my soul), finally, when my children were 16, 13 & 11. If your daughter is making comments then you are not only allowing yourself to be abused but your children too.
In one example out of hundreds i will share that one we were driving to Florida and my ex husb had road rage and careened down the road at 110 mph and almost killed all 4 of us…my 3 children screaming in the car. I stayed with him another two years after that. The tragedy is not what he did but what i allowed and what i ALLOWED my children to witness and endure.
Hoping you venture off to find your souls desire way faster than i did….it will be SO worth it.
Dearest Sarah!
You are STILL a strong and independent woman. She’s not dead, she’s just been kicked around a bit. 30 is VERY young – you have a long happy life ahead of you with 2 beautiful children whom need you to show them the way. So show them the way to be strong and independent. Unfortunately this falls on women so often, but ask yourself why? Because we CAN DO IT. If you stay with him what have you taught your babies – that it’s perfectly honorable to let someone abuse you? It’s ok for her to say what she says about Daddy, she’s correct and, IMO, you have the right validate her feelings. Don’t tell her “it’s not nice” to say those things etc. Children KNOW the truth and you rob them of their power by trying to change their minds or cover-up their honesty.
I know of a woman who has been through this same situation and she handled it with her children beautifully by explaining how Daddy needs to be by himself and that’s OK and that he is sad and angry for private reasons no one might ever understand but that you 3 would be healthier by not living with him anymore.
It can also be explained that sometimes love is very, very confusing and that time helps people understand it. Your babies are wee ones, they will bounce back rapidly. As will you.
YOU CAN DO IT! Don’t doubt your gut feelings. You know the truth and you have the answers. Find people to help you get out and stay out.
We are all rooting for you and I’m very sorry you have to endure this chaos. It’s not fair. Very little ever is, but you can make life good for you & your children. They will “get it” if you blaze the trail.
Be strong, chickadee:-)
All the best,
Cherie Marie
Read ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’ AND ‘The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive’ by Susan Page.
Best of luck
I was in a similar relationship before I got married. I had a daughter. We went back and forth and he always said he would change, etc., etc., Finally one time after I had left for the hundreth time and he called asking to work on things for the hundreth time my daughter (8 at the time) came downstairs after I had gotten off the phone and said “Are you taking him back?” I said… “He’s nice to you.” She said “but he is not nice to you.” That floored me. How was I going to raise this child telling her she should only be with a good man when she was watching me let myself be torn up over and over. I was lying to myself that he would ever change. It’s been 13 years. I am happily married to a good man. He is also married. The last time my father saw him he announced to his wife at a birthday party in front of all of their family and friends that she was getting chunky and he didn’t like fat women. Apparently some people never do change. Good luck to you. You deserve better because we all do.
I love the idea of using questions and writing for change….It’s not my relationship with my husband I’m looking at, but my life as a sahm. I know there’s a change that needs to come, and it’s scary, but this approach could help me work through…thanks.
I never post comments but this one touches me deeply, thank you Kris.
It took a series of health/body issues to finally wake me up to the toxicity in my family. We had been close and all my energy was devoted to caring for these narcissistic people and their every emotional demand. Migraines and exhaustion, then finally depression, led me to take a ‘break’ and start tending to my own self. It’s been almost ten years since I’ve seen any of them.. Definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Out of the struggle and darkness, guilt and worry, came my true self. I am now shining brightly, have become an artist, and am staggered by the loving and honest friendships I now enjoy. Stepping out of old patterns that don’t work anymore is so worth the considerable effort. The possibilities on the other side will blow your mind.
Hi L,
I feel that I have a very dysfunctional family and many times I feel that they take most of my energy. Even when I temporarily distance myself and see them again, they continue to be destructive and emotionally abusive. I often feel manipulated and they really like to make me feel guilty for trying to live my life. Both my parents are alcoholics. My mom is also disabled and my father was recently diagnosed with cancer. I also have a very narcissistic sister who is verbally abusive towards me and she often neglects her children. I fear that she is also developing an addiction to alcohol. I also have two other siblings and right now, I am only getting along with one of them. There is so much drama. I often find that they will causes issues and problems, and then come to me to figure everything out. I am getting sick more often and find that attending to my mom’s needs and the demands of my family is overwhelming me and I am always stressed. Can I ask, how did you make the decision to cut family out of your life? How were you able to do it for 10 years? I am thinking that when I distance myself for 1 -2 months from my family, it doesn’t help…it usually makes things worse. I often think about how great it would feel to not have them in my life and often dream about moving far out of the country to live a peaceful life. Thanks for sharing L.
Barbara,
Your story is very similar to mine. Both parents alcoholic, all siblings addicts, rehab, suicide, etc. so much drama and I was always the one to take care of everyone’s needs, with no thought to the cost to me.
As for making the break, it started early in therapy when I said ‘I could really use a month away for them’ – never ever realizing this was an actual option. And so, my therapist encouraged me to open to the idea. I asked for no contact Ina letter, which infuriated and mystified. No concern for me, though.
After of hard years in therapy and then spiritual work, the pain and guilt of the separation is easier. The little contact I’ve had since the break has only reinforced what I know in my heart. Must stay away.
I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to continually ask for distance. For narcissists, this is an attack, and they will lash out each time. I wish you the very best in finding your peace and creating the space for your own self to flourish. It is a sad situation we’re in, but it is what it is. We do have choices, and I chose joy.
Thanks for writing, Barbara.
Barbara – thanks for asking these really raw questions. The question of cutting ties is just so much more painful when it comes to family, but I can tell you I’ve done it and worked through what felt like unbearable waves of shame, blame, guilt, and loss to do it. This may or may not resonate for you, but what I’ve found is that my family is so entangled with my identity, it’s hard to “disown” the toxic elements of those relationships without letting go of something that feels essential to who I am.
Most recently, I’ve (finally) told my abusive brother that I no longer want any contact with him, and when he blitzed my inbox with defensive and narcissistic attempts to “suck me back in,” I simply filtered my email so that he goes direct to trash. I did this without comment to him. This over all my internal objections that only a bad person rejects their own blood. The hardest things to realize for me were, 1) an abusive person is *never* entitled to have access to you, and 2) I was looking at it backwards – the truly bad person is the one who would abuse a family member and refuse to acknowledge or even see the pain they have caused.
The painful fact is, there’s no way to go back and “fix” what went wrong there. The compulsion to try is part of the toxicity.
Whether this speaks to you or not, I sincerely wish you strength and joy in your journey, and peace in the outcome.
L, you are so brave to have done that. There is such a stigma attached to “divorcing” your family. I am amazed that since I had to do it recently, how many friends have confessed to the same thing. In my case it was my two adult step-daughters. It just came like a revelation one day after some ridiculous slight, that I was THROUGH. I did my job quietly (for the most part, I am not a saint) for 25 years. I explained my feelings rationally to my husband and he got it. It was such a burden lifted. I wish them happiness, but leave me out of it. When my husband complains about them now, I don’t get sucked in and offer no opinions. Just smile and nod. It’s an EMOTIONAL divorce.
Eve, Peg, Barbara…
Thank you so very much for your words, and for sharing your stories. Like I said, I’ve never commented on a website before and have always felt like the ‘bad one’ who hurt everyone. It is so helpful to share with others going through similar painful situations and we understand one another.
Setting limits with family, especially divorcing the whole family, is a tough thing to do. I think about my mom every day (they all live within five miles of my house) yet I have to remind myself that our souls will work this out later. Surround yourself with love and that is what comes back. Truly amazing lesson that I never would have learned without the pain.
All my best,
L.
Dear L,
I feel what you are going through as Im doing the same thing. It is not easy. Its a hero´s journey that takes a lot of courage. I SO salute you!
O, your encouragement and understanding means a lot to me – thank you. May you continue on your journey with grace and strength. You’re right, not an easy path, but knowing your own truth is the guide.
Best wishes,
L
I learned a long time ago to remove myself from people who diminish you. Great post!
Thank you so much Kris!
You just made this day wonderful. I was needy to listen/read something like this today. I’m starting a beautiful Monday :-))
All my love,
Lu
Hello Kris,
I am so glad you posted this. The thorough examination of relationships is necessary to feel oneself as a whole. I hid from myself in relationship one after another and after watching your documentary I decided that if I was going to get well, I had to cut off the loose ends and go running into the light. That’s what I did and I am much happier for it. As my life changed, I became interested in helping others change their lives so I went to IIN and am building my site called DetoxandHeal.net where I offer my services and information to assist in supporting detoxification. I’d love to offer some of your insights from your website. May I please post a link to your artlce for my visitors?
This is SO true. We often stay in relationships well past the time we know we should get out, whether out of guilt or some sense that we should ‘try harder’. I did this with my ex-husband and kept him in my life out of some screwed up need to make it work at all costs (mainly mine). I’ve done it with friendships, family and jobs as well. I always want to believe that people are who they say they are, and when they go back to being nice or act a certain way, I think “oh, maybe it’s going to change now”. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gotten sucked back in this way.
I’ve learned, especially in these past couple of years, that if it happens once, okay. But I now have a hard & fast 3rd strike rule. If you choose the offending action 3 times, I’m done. I’m a big believer in second chances, but if you’re constantly doing the same thing after telling me you won’t anymore, you’re not really sorry, and definitely not as invested in the relationship as I am. At this point in my life, I don’t want to go out of my way for anyone who wouldn’t do the same for me. It’s made life much simpler.
This resonated with me,Kris- been there,done that! Thank you for bringing clarity(and memory) about a relationship long past and the toxic reasons why it had to end! You’re awesome
Hi Kris,
Thank you for this great post!
I recently had to end my relationship with a close friend and completely redefine my relationship with another friend.
Your advice on writing letters is on point. I wrote a series of letters that were so helpful for letting out my charge. This was also my road map to making my final decision, and the letters I sent out were my clear thoughts- not clouded by anger, regret or any other negative feelings I had felt.
Toxic relationships are truly toxic to you! I remember feeling tight knots in my stomach whenever I thought about these situations, but after the letters were sent and the relationship ended, all I felt was relief and extreme pride in myself for staying true to my feelings and knowing when to let go.
Thanks again for this great post!
The death of my favorite parent – my grandfather, was a huge sound of gong inside of me. All the toxic stuff, that I hided for decades came up via panic attacks. I had no other choice than being honest with people surrounding me. This was new. It also increased the pain for a while. Because I lost good friends and stopped communicating with my brother. But on the other side I opened up for something new and found new friends. And there was suddenly a huge relief – just by being honest. Now I’m wondering where life might take me. I’m just longing to live my dream.
Hi Kris,
Thank you for this great post! But still i am feeling some guilt and can’t relate to it completely.
I didn’t know what i had for her until the end of my 8th grade when i realised it was love and i was okay with it being one sided but fate wanted us to be together and yes it was fairy tale circumstances, i guess every love story is and then we went on to stay together for 4 years. In these years i felt that i loved her so much but we weren’t compatible at all. She would get angry on small things and that fight could go on for 4-5 days straight and i guess none of those fights have ever been resolved we kinda moved on from it. She would say things sometimes on phone which a loving partner can’t bear and trust me on this i don’t know how i used to catch breath at those times. I have heard her telling me whenever she’s in happy moments or like with her cousins or family she don’t want to talk with me even if that continues for weeks.
The ultimate thing is they never had time for me and trust me time is what i craved for and i soon started complaining about it to which fights started and now they ended it from their side saying that whatever i am looking they can’t give it to me. Funny right, because all i wanted was her love and time. I know now i was in toxic Relationship and i want to move on and don’t want them back ever but still there is this feeling that i want her to love me and i want that love from her only when i completely know she is not capable of it. She soon started dating after we broke up and it wasn’t even a month then. Now i am feeling these mix reactions of like did i really know her and her beliefs and her face looked so innocent and calm but she called me few times after we broke up giving excuse that she has brought a pet and all things she ever wanted but the thing is she is bragging about her life on phone with me happily talking and like not even having mercy for my soul that you shouldn’t tell these things to me. She was the one who told me she has started dating and all . I mean i have seen in movies sometimes your ex are compassionate when there was love between you but she acts like some soulless being having no empathy for the person on other side which is me.
Someone please help, how can get this hurting to stop. I know i was in a toxic Relationship but why do some part of me want her back, give me love and time i want when i purely know they are empty in those fields.
Hi Vijay, healing is possible! Please reach out to a therapist who can help you heal from this experience. You can find therapists via https://www.psychologytoday.com/ under the Find a Therapist navigation at the top. You can do this!
This is great advice to apply to all types of relationships, romantic or otherwise. 10 months ago, I took the decision to end a friendship of 26 years standing. It was not an easy decision, and I felt horribly guilty about the potential hurt to the other person, but I had been feeling resentment and frustration around the friendship for a number of years and feeling utterly drained by the endless demands for emotional support that were never ever requited. By the end of the friendship, I was quite literally developing migraines every time I had contact with the person, from the stress of the internal conflict of guilt and not wanting to be unkind vs the irritation, frustration and stifling the overwhelming urge to shout, “It’s not all about you. Back off and let other people have the mental and emotional space to have their own feelings”. This friendship was quite literally doing my head in, physically and emotionally! My body was certainly providing guidance on the fact that it was time to let go. As humans we are in a constant state of change and growth, and this is reflected in our changing needs particularly from relationships. Sometimes we just have to accept the fact that certain relationships can no longer give us what we need, and that by holding onto relationships with toxic energy, we are continuing to attract that toxicity into our lives. Ending a toxic relationship of any kind is an open invitation to attract more constructive, supportive, joyful energy into our lives. It’s like the Feng Shui principle of friendship – clear out the negative energy to channel more positive energy into your life.
To cut a long story short, the relationship did unfortunately come to a messy end full of bitter recriminations from the other side. It seems the other person was not ready for the relationship and its dysfunctional dynamics to change, and indeed, end. Perhaps in later years we will be able to have a calmer conversation about the wider picture of what went wrong. As stressful as the last contact was, all it did was to confirm that this was the right decision for me.
In closing, I would just reiterate what many commenters have recommended – to be true to yourself and what you need (you have no obligation to house or take on another’s conflicting energy), and to remain calm, kind and clear by speaking your truth clearly but kindly. Once you step out of the quagmire of a toxic relationship of any kind, the sense of relief and possibility are the endless reward..
Well said Kate and having gone through almost the exact same thing over two years ago I can attest that it was the best decision I made. Hard but good. I am finally able to be ME.
Stay true!
Kris:
Not so long ago, my relationship of 3 years ended with the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It was a fairy-tale(yes guys believe in that too!) beginning, love-at-first sight kind of relationship. Just the last few months she became distant and not wanting to be any kind of intimate, even kisses or holding hands. The finger pointing and arguments became more frequent, and she ended it before I had decided to. Now she still texts everyday, and wants to spend time together, but what I am afraid to say out loud is I feel like I’m being held hostage. She has gone on and is happy with her life, and here I am still silently holding onto something that is over with. Tied to that she still tells me she loves me. I am at a loss for words, because she still gives me that hope that maybe we can reconcile. This article definitely hit home, but I don’t know how to let go.
Your ex continues to be a toxic presence in your life and the only way for you to fully move on is to cut her out of your life. She may be still texting you but I’m assuming you’re responding to them. Remember–you deserve a relationship that is completely fulfilling, she is someone who is using you over text–not even in person. The longer you continue to entertain her texts by responding, the longer you will pine for a relationship that hurts you. Tell her that you can no longer communicate with her bc of your own need to move on from her. She will undoubtedly still text you (as she’s already shown to have questionable boundaries) so at this stage you must ignore her texts. It may feel “mean” to do so but you have already told her you need to stop exchanging texts, you are merely following through. Best of luck.
Mike,
In my experience, when someone continues to contact you after a break up, especially if they ended it, it’s usually because they feel immensely guilty in a very selfish way. They can’t stand the thought that you might not think so well of them (read: worship) anymore and their ego can’t stand not being the most important thing in your life. Her texts are strictly HER EGO. She needs people to pine for her. You don’t have to be one of them:-)
Focus on your peace of mind, spend time with animals, help children learn something cool, play a sport, let her project her needs on someone else. As L’Oreal says “(you’re) worth it”!!!
End all contact for 6 months. If it’s meant to be you both will make it happen. Allowing her to keep in touch has her feel secure that you’ll always be there for her, an anchor. An anchor that has you drowning. Relationships are about commitment. Everyone is mad about one another in the beginning. Typically this ‘honeymoon phase’ last for one to 3 years. If there is no commitment, there is no relationship. Read Susan Forwards book, ‘The 8 Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive’, it’s one of the best books on relationships that I’ve ever read in my 58 years . . .
It’s never easy moving on . . . you’re not alone Mike. Someone out there wants someone just like you.
The author is Susan Page not Susan Forward . . . but Susan Forward’s books are good too ; )
Mike, I had a very similar experience about 2 years ago. I was in love with a man I thought I was going to marry. We met in a fairy-tale like fashion, states and years apart we reconnected and fell in love again. Within a year he became distant, not answering my calls, being short with me, talking down to me and making me feel worthless. He finally ended it. I was devastated for months and months. It still hurts today, but after more than a year of him continuing to text me, call me, telling me he wanted me in his life, I never knew if I should move on. No, I never let myself heal and move on, because I held on to that hope that one day he would realize that we were supposed to be together. I tried numerous times to cut ties, but he would always tell me how much he cared about me, dragging out my hope for the future. When I would tell him I loved him still or asked if we could work things out he refused and grew distant again until a few weeks would go by and he would “miss me.” One day it finally clicked in my head that he was only keeping me around, popping in and out of my life to keep control of me and to know that I was still single and still missing him. For almost a year and a half afterwards if he would have called and asked me to be back together I would have in a heartbeat. I kept putting the few happy memories before all the bad times. This man and your ex are too concerned with their ownselves to care and commit to someone else. They are toxic! You have to let go, I finally did. I finally cut all contact and yes it still hurts now and then, but it was the only healthy thing for me to do. I was physically and emotionally broken for so long. I finally took control. (Only a few months ago) I’m still in the healing process and not ready to love again yet, but I have hope that someday the right man will come around. I hope you the same happiness and healing!
Bless you! Wow, that is so courageous and yet I know it must have come from a place of having no choice but to end the torment.
I’m currently in the midst of just such a yo-yo game. I get my hopes up when I take his bait, only to be crushed again when he pulls back. I pray that I can do as you have and gain enough strength to end it and move on. Thank you for your story!
Bless you! Wow, that is so courageous and yet I know it must have come from a place of having no choice but to end the torment.
I’m currently in the midst of just such a yo-yo game. I get my hopes up when I take his bait, only to be crushed again when he pulls back. I pray that I can do as you have and gain enough strength to end it and move on. Thank you for your story!
I have had to do this throughout the years with friends and boyfriends. It is always something difficult to face because you keep thinking one more time, chance, but in the end you must create space for all the beauty and light you offer the world. Thank you for the reminder to keep yourself surrounded by those who uplift and support you, the rest can be like free radicals zapping your energy. Make a change for the better- don’t be a bag lady!
XO
Thank you, Kris, for this post. Unlike many who have commented I am in a happy marriage but your comments resonated with me concerning friendships. I have had a long-term friendship with someone who is very confrontational and sees life in black and white. She has strong opinions, is very articulate, and quick with a response. When we are together I feel as if I am constantly on my guard, being careful not to bring up topics that I know she feels passionately about (and is unable to see opposing viewpoints). It can be exhausting.
On the other hand, this friend has many lovely qualities. She is loyal, compassionate, and creative. She was by my side throughout my cancer journey. She is a good listener.
I sometimes think I need to cut my ties with her but then am reminded of what I have treasured about our relationship. I wish you had spoken more about how to deal specifically with how to deal with friendships that may have reached the end of their journey. What is the best way to let go?
Grace I have done just that – left a toxic friendship. It has been painful, nasty and protracted. Here is what I have learned and what I would do differently . I would speak my truth gently …. instead of keeping quiet and simmering about her hurtful comments, snide barbs etc. For so long she had no idea she upset me so regularly – if i had been able to speak that truth gently it may never have developed to the point where I had to end the friendship . Big lesson for me !
I can share what I did in a very similar situation. I started to distance myself from her–turning down invitations to do things together with the hope that things would automatically drift. When that proved too passive aggressive for our friendship I told her straight out that I needed space. It was hurtful to her but in the end it was the healthiest decision for me. It was also healthier for her–no one deserves a friend who doesn’t appreciate and love you. Cutting things with you friend opens a door for her growth as well.
Hi, Grace–
You completely reflected my own thoughts! “Friend breakups” can be worse in some ways than “relationship breakups”. And the timing for this post is weird, as I just had a friend breakup yesterday and am looking at having a couple others.
My approach is the “taking space” one. Perhaps it’s weak, but I’ve noticed that the friendship will slowly fade, without big drama and lots of “She said” “She said.” Sadly, women tend to be worse backbiters than men. This also leaves the room for reconnection, as people do grow and change. And sometimes, even if the character traits/opposing lifestyles/emotional draining which initially caused you “break up” with a friend has not changed; time/distance can teach us a new way of relating.
Either which way, it’s painful.
Growing often is.
Hugs,
Rachel
Grace, I had to end a similar relationship 18 years ago. It felt like our friendship had run its course, we were in each others lives when we both needed the support. Then we didn’t. I felt drained by her, screening her phone calls, she was confused and I wasn’t strong enough at first to tell her how I felt. I eventually did, though. She died unexpectedly 13 years ago. I see the friendship now as a chapter in our lives, it wasn’t meant to continue forever, it served its’ purpose at the time. People come in and out of our lives, hopefully we take away something valuable from each one. Good luck.
WOW Kris – soooooooo real, so poignant and so helpful. I never post comments, but this time, had to say “thank you for being so real.” But beyond that, your “real” resonates with me in a very personal way. Thank you for your amazing self awareness and courage in all that you do. It is truly refreshing in a world of folks that are so afraid; afraid to really look at themselves and even more afraid to let others see who they really are. I so wish the world had more brave souls. Ok, I know I’m a bit idealistic. But anyway, thank you for all your great work including this very timely article…
Wow Kris…
This could not have come in a better time… Yesterday I had to face that situation with my marriage of 12 years…
I know I’ll be a Phoenix but the transformation hurts.
Almost 1,5 months ago I split with my business partner. Because my business experience is shorter than hers, I accepted many things she wanted to do, even though I knew deep inside they didn’t serve me right. Her power spread into the relationship like a cancer… I gained about 20 pounds, started having some weird allergies (my earring holes are closed now because I couldn’t wear ANYTHING in them that they’d bleed), retained plenty of liquids… every time I wanted to say my point of view, she had a quick and effective reply to shut me up.
The decision to call it quits was made in my mind quite a while ago, but it took my parents and boyfriend to help me really saying it to her. She called me names. I couldn’t answer the phone without feeling sick. She didn’t pay my part of the society quotes (and I guess she never will, but my lawyer says it’s better not to mess with the situation).
And yet, I still feel I’m the one in debt.
Also, an ex dumped me a year ago by phone, claiming I had to “fix” myself before seeking him again. See, there was something weird about him not answering his cell in front of me, nor letting me share my relationship with a friend in common, and I knew it, and it let me torn apart. And yet, we stayed together for a year, in a short but exhausting distance relationship.
I felt relief when he dumped me, and I now have an awesome guy by my side.
BUT… still once in a while, even though my feelings for my ex aren’t love and I’m pretty sure about it, there is doubt in the air still.
How can I deal with unanswered questions? How do you deal with them anyway?
It took me three months of writing and crying and writing again and asking those exact questions to finally make a decision to leave. I was so afraid to answer them honestly, but I did live in an alternative reality where my ex was not present. None of my dreams included him and that was difficult to ignore. And there was other stuff too, of course. I think I exhausted myself into leaving. Was the best decision of my life, although it took some serious healing afterwards.
Thank you Kris for this inspiring post, I actually look back now and feel proud of myself!
There are sunflowers waiting to be found, got find them!
Life simply has a way of jolting us onto our new pathways. Embrace it, rejoice in it. The jolt is necessary and in the end, rewarding.
Beautifully said.
Jeez.. exactly what I needed to read right now. I’ve been hanging onto issues around this topic for the last few days. Relationships + NYC = difficult. That’s all I can say.
When I first saw the title of this post, I got very frightened…..I thought you were getting ready to break up with us!!!!
I recently had a devastating break-up with my husband of 20 years. We didn’t always get along, as a matter of fact, for the last 6 years or so, we both thought we would be better off without each other. I’m here to tell you now, we were wrong. What I learned during the time that my husband got sick and his process of dying, is that I was very selfish in just about all aspects of our lives. He was as well, but I can only take care of “my side of the street”. As I looked over our life together, I could see all the times I was so self concerned, and didn’t behave the way I should have. Love is an action word, not a description of a feeling. I got to learn so very much. We had the opportunity to talk about our failings right before he passed away, and I so very grateful for that opportunity and the courage it took for us to talk about those things. I was able to apologize…and mean it…and today, I wish like crazy that we had the chance to do it over. But we don’t. But, boy oh boy, did I ever learn alot!!!! During this process, I discovered that even though I kept thinking HE was the toxic one, I had a significant contribution to that toxicity!!!!! I was the toxic one, too……
Thanks for sharing this Connie. “Love is an action word” – I hope you are loving your self too now. Bless you and good luck in your future happiness 🙂 xxx
Hi Connie, thanks for sharing your story and also how you got honest with yourself and what you were contributing to the relationship. It takes a lot of guts to admit this. I have no doubt that this was a learning and healing journey for you both. Peace and blessings!
This is awesome! You are taking responsibility for your actions! Power to you!
Wow, wow, wow, Connie . . . you are one courageous woman! AMAZING story and absolutely one for anyone wanting to leave a relationship to read.
Even in my circumstances (domestic violence) I had to take a hard look at my responsibility in the dissolving of my marriage. Only when I realized that I was getting significance from being ‘the victim’ did I move to change. It took a while to make the shift but it was dramatic. My marriage was not salvageable but I was able to take responsibility for my part.
What a gift you gave to your husband and to yourself. Thank you so much for sharing your story . . .
Thank you Connie for bringing me back to earth. I will be looking at me now, perhaps it’s not all him. Perhaps I do have unrealistic expectations, and I am human so it’s absolutely true that I do contribute to the feeling in the house. Thank you.
Ms Chris Carr – Yr education has been an inspiration, BE free for U to choose a LIVE for yr own LIVE for UUU 🙂
Thanking U for yr info over the years
BE Safe
Stay HEALTHY
RDS
This resonated me with me so much. 2 weeks ago I ended a 11 year relationship, which should have ended 4 years ago. It was not easy to end it especially after all the time I had spent with this person. But I decided memories should not be a reason to stay with someone. It should be how you feel now. Walking away was the hardest thing I have done and I felt so much pain, guilt and sadness. The guilt was the worst, the idea of hurting someone I loved (even though I knew he wasn’t right for me) tore me apart. Now though I can’t believe I left it so long. I truly believe I have done us both a favour and I am ok. I felt hurt but I’m still here. Life seems just seems so easy now too. I’m finally listening to myself and my heart and living a life I love. The grief still comes in waves but the gaps between that and the good times are getting bigger and bigger. I remember only 3 weeks ago how I had felt so tied to this person almost out of duty and how unaware I had been of myself. If I can give any advice trust your instincts and go for it. I loved this person but deep inside I knew we weren’t right for each other. Believe me you really will be ok.
Remember life will be there to catch you or make you fly. xx
From your username I gather you’re of Indian descent like me and I resonated with your sharing that you felt a lot of guilt for hurting your ex when you left. I think all women, regardless it ethnicity, feel guilt when leaving a relationship but I think our Indian culture specifically add an extra dollop. Our culture dictates that we take care of our men, both emotionally and physically; we are often portrayed as an extension of their mother’s in that we are in charge if feeding and caring for them. Even in these modern times where males and females, especially in the Western world, are largely equal and split in chores 50/50, I still find that guilt monster rearing its head as if my ex were a helpless child I had just abandoned.
I may be reading too much into your entry and you may not relate to this at all, but I do think our Indian culture uses guilt a lot to shape our behavior so we are “good members of society”.
I’m divorcing my husband after 26 years of marriage. We’ve been separated for a year and I have to say that I was hopeful that things might work out…until I realized how happy I was to be alone! I had totally lost myself to a relationship that clearly was not working, but for some reason, I just couldn’t believe it. Last week, during a long discussion with my husband, we came to the realization that, due to childhood circumstances, he simply can not commit emotionally to anyone and he is unwilling to seek help to overcome this huge obstacle. That was enough for me to realize that it’s time to move on. I have a lot to give to the right guy! I have some work to do on myself… but then, I’m going to head out to find him!!!
I can relate to dating a man who, because of childhood abuses, had issues that made being in a relationship with him very toxic and he was unwilling to address them with a therapist. I was able to see the connection with his past because I myself had worked though my own issues in therapy, he continues to think he is managing just fine. The fault is with everyone else.
I realized that you can make someone get help, es
(Continued from above) I realized you *can’t* make someone get help, especially with therapy, they have to want to get help and change. So much of what drew me to him was my ability to see the little boy inside who was in pain, and a part of me wanted to give him the love he never got but deserved….but woah boy. Not healthy.
He is no longer that little boy, he is man who is responsible for his actions. It will be tragic if he doesn’t get help because there lies so much potential in him for love, but he must see and want it.
I’m in the exact situation. Very hard to turn away from someone you care about and see the best in – even when they are behaving horribly.
Gah! My army for a temporary lack of empathy!
Yes yes and yes!!!
WOW! So great that you’ve both figured this out and you chose to face it and move on!!! I too left my 26 year marriage.
I actually had a male friend/neighbor tell me that the odds of me finding someone at my age (I was 48) was practically nil. He was dead wrong. A year after filing for divorce I met my current husband. That was 9 1/2 years ago. I knew what I didn’t want but never focused on what I DID want. When I wrote out my list and then narrowed it down to my 5 ‘must haves’ my dream guy literally knocked on my door two weeks later. I not only met a dream of a man, he’s 3 years younger than me and thinks I’m the cutest thing since sliced bread ; )
You go girl!
From above, “I realized you *can’t* make someone get help, especially with therapy, they have to want to get help and change. So much of what drew me to him was my ability to see the little boy inside who was in pain, and a part of me wanted to give him the love he never got but deserved….but woah boy. Not healthy.
He is no longer that little boy, he is man who is responsible for his actions. It will be tragic if he doesn’t get help because there lies so much potential in him for love, but he must see and want it.”
Hells Bells!!!! I am in a relationship right now because I saw an abused little boy who had missed so much in life, who had endured pain beyond my comprehension and I just wanted to fix him up and make him whole. Now I find myself living with a 43 year adolescent (emotionally) and I can’t handle it. He’s nice, he’s gentle, he loves me, and he loves the kids but he cannot be the man I need him to be. I am however doomed if he leaves because I don’t (at the moment) have the finances to pay my mortgage and stay there with no roommate. So, I am looking for a second job that will allow me to bring in the extra cash I need so I can say “good-bye” and not be terrified.
On the other hand, he also recently started working again. (I was sudo-supporting him, and trust me, it sucked) So, I won’t have the guilt of sending him off when his only option is to take Welfare assistance. Yae!
I still don’t know when I’ll do it, but it for sure will be done. I like him very much (how wierd to say that while contemplating breaking up with him) and he’s not violent at all, so this is where the problem lies. He thinks I want too much, I think he dosn’t give enough, etc. I know however that I’m far from satisfied and while I see his effort, I don’t see enough to make me satisfied either. 🙁 (I have children, he dosn’t and he finds it hard to be the step father. I want to be with someone who wants that role, or to not be with anyone at all.)
Thanks for letting me vent here. Happy Wednsday to you all.
Same and same. I have raised children and he hasn’t any. Also an abused child / adolescent.
He tries but we can’t seem to understand one another. I don’t want a step father figure but just a man to me. He has never had to be. Always just about him. I would love for it to work but he refuses to get help.
I broke up with my boyfriend this past Thursday so this post really resonated with me. He was verbally abusive and really cut me down about my physical appearance (especially my body) but I had a hard time leaving because our good times really filled my soul. I’d been single for so long before meeting him that I relished being a couple and all that came with it.
I knew I deserved better but I kept believing he would change as he promised and then suddenly, it was one insult too many. I no longer felt the same when I was around him. Instead of butterflies, I felt pangs of anger. Instead of wanting to cuddle, I wanted to put miles between us.
When I finally ended things, I did so with the strength & support of my family, friends, and therapist. I wasn’t an island–far from it, I was a loved individual who knew, because of the amazing people that surrounded me, that any man I was with had to rise to their caliber.
I learned so much from this relationship so to say it was a waste of time would be wrong. I learned: I have a deep capacity to love (the right person), I am incredibly strong, I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for, I have a rockin’ family, and I will be able to go back into the dating pool that much stronger.
Thanks Kris,
Sav
Sav, I have been in the situation before where I have stayed in relationship with someone because I’d been single for a long time before them, and didn’t want to be single again. Gradually it becomes more than you can bare. If it isn’t working, the pain of staying is worst than the pain of moving on. Bravo to you, for seeking the support you needed to move on! I wish you the best!
I always have a fear of change. A fear of being alone. A fear of newness. And like you, I cling to the good memories, the good times…and I always had hope things would change, although I ignored my sensible side that knew it was a doomed relationship. It has gotten to the point where the pain of staying is so more unbearable than the pain of moving on, as TL Parks mentioned above. I feel like my soul has been beaten down. A lot of my personality has gone. I am no longer the funny girl, the girl who made people laugh. I am always sad. Always mopey. I haven’t had fun in months. Literally , months. Not one day of fun. Not one day of waking up feeling like it’s going to be a great day. Most days I wake up and cry. not sure how to date at 30, where to meet men. It was much easier in our 20’s….and this has terrified me into staying. How ridiculous. I’m finally at a point where I don’t really care if I meet a man. Being alone at this point would be so much better.
I just spent four months building castles in the air around a relationship that I hoped would become something more, he would flirt with me and I kept getting triggered and releasing lots of old stuff but I was too much in denial to actually check on the reality of what was going on. When I finally did share what was happening for me I sat opposite a man who was completely cut off from his heart and obviously living in a delusional world of his own where he did not see the consequences of his behaviour. Even then it took a lot of writing and meditating and soul searching to finally let go of him, the truth is that it was a lucky escape! When it comes to romance I always seem to come up against the belief that there might never ever be another so I better hang on to what I’ve got, feels so much better when you honour yourself and let go of the toxicity whatever form it comes in! Thank you Kris, love and blissings, Kerry
I know how that feels. I spent 1 1/2 years building that castle. While we don’t talk anymore, it is still “painful” when I think about him.
Kerry,
You told my story so simply. I also am a castle builder, and I grasp onto my 7-year dysfunctional off-on-off-on relationship with the fierceness of a hungry tiger. It’s my last meal, and I won’t let go until we’re all shredded.
He was my first love interest following a very painful 11-yr marriage to a cold hearted, narcissistic rager. After a year of drama, we had a good committed 6-yr run. Then the world turned upside down and he is now back in a cycle of manipulation, commitment phobia, lying, and trying to pick up women wherever he can – while telling me I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. I am the best lover, best friend, etc. etc., and he is just “confused”.
He is also drinking a lot more, and quit his high paying job in a huff – only to struggle to land a new one.
I beg him to get back to where we were. I manipulate him with sex, with emotion, whatever it takes. When he really crosses a line, I rage. I get good and mad and walk away. Then he chases. I fall for it. I think we’re good again. Before long i find him evasive, pulled back, and non-committal once again. And the worst part is, it shocks me every time! I always believe him, and am so crushed when I discover it was all passing bullshit.
He is a good man, at heart. But he is broken. He is the only man who has ever truly liked me as a person; made me feel drop-dead gorgeous; spoken to me with utter respect and admiration; been a good dear friend. But he is broken, he is self centered, and has become a big fat liar. And I apparently have a wicked codependent streak.
Today I in so much emotional pain I can barely breathe. Yesterday he offered me the chance to do a “trial” reconciliation for one week, which we culminate in me and my daughters joining him, his son, and his friends on a camping trip this weekend.
I almost took the bait. Then it hit me. This week would make him feel less guilty, And the camping trip would appease his crew who were expecting me. But the one we clause would allow him to continue to pursue some women he met at singles meet ups. Somehow I knew it deep in my gut; this man who loves me was stringing me along and would very likely dump me again after the week was up.
I gathered my things, kissed him goodbye and told him no. Not acceptable.
Last night he starts texting me random things like all is well. Crazy freaking making! When I told him I was still upset, he said he misses me.
I still can’t figure out if he’s intentionally playing mind games or if he’s really just that f’ed up. But I can figure out that I am the biggest part of my problem. I am allowing this to happen, in many cases instigating it. I desperately want to hold onto him and believe in the fairytale I created for us. I desperately want to boyfriend and my best friend back .
I am 45 and terrified of never finding someone else – someone good for me, and actually attracted to that person.
And on top of that I really do love this man. I have a great deal of compassion for the struggle he’s going through. That is actually making it much harder.
When I walked away from my marriage I had no remorse except for my girls. I was totally done. This is way more painful because he has kept me hooked, wanting more.
Thank you for indulging this Uber long post. The blog and all of your wonderful comments so resonated with me I felt compelled to share.
Thank you and I wish you all peace love joy and most of all serenity.
Check out Natalie Lue’s website: http://www.baggagereclaim.com
This is verbatim what I am going through.
Thank you for sharing and making me feel not so alone!
Hi Tracey
I completely understand and feel your comment. It needed to be long this is exactly what I have been through. We do not have children together. I feel like I lost my best friend but I felt that way before we broke up. Now I see I lost me in him. Many many things you said were here then add in addictions and a little more narcissism and telling me everything I ever needed or wanted to hear. While looking at the wall.
He left me recently for a much younger woman who could and will idolize him.
I was devastated.
I am strong as I can tell you are I love truth I love finding and fixing things and I think I thought I could do that with him.
Anyway I can’t fix him and I will not fear being without him.
We just had a big blizzard and I was home with my girls and my mom and grandma live here as well. I cried for so many reasons. It was scary but it all worked out. The lies became more and more my gut instinct was constantly triggered and I lived for almost 7 years in a denial blissful anxious tired state trying to be what would be enough enough for him.
Now a clean break
It’s like he died. It hurts but the bandaid was pulled off and fast. It hurt very very badly but really quickly now I am examine the wound and healing.
This is identical to my life and struggle right now. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Kris,
Now this is a great subject, saying goodbye to circumstances and making the move into the new and unknown.
As we unfold our true potent potential and open our thoughts and attitudes to life stepping into the unknown is perhaps “THE” challenge.
Our occidental culture of desperately holding onto our homes, jobs, partners, and general stability just does not promote or provide for free willed and wild changes. But is this the fantastic opening in consciousness now available to us in our time? Stepping into oneself and the unknown.
And then bang, comes seemingly the most unwanted obstacles of economic and environmental instability.
This is to me one of the most important topics and challenges. I love my partner, living and working circumstances. I do not have pain or unpleasant things going on, but I do see or know I could walk out into the new and develop another life. At what point does one say ok lets bring on the new and take a new route??
Much love, and thanks for raising the subject and the great advise, build and plan for the changes has got to be good, a swat support crew if needed, Fantastic.
Thank you
Dean
Take your love with you on the new journey!! She may be feeling the same way. Share your thoughts in a loving way with your partner and ask for what you want.
I have just left a toxic 16 year marriage that I have tried to leave a few times with no success. It took everything out of me to leave and I even waited until he went away on a trip and moved out. I just kept falling into the I’m sorry I will change trap or the crazy person who thinks she can fix something that is not worth fixing. It has been two weeks and I cannot tell you how different life is. I am getting my joy back for life and wake up feeling amazing. Yes, I have some challenges to overcome, but I also have the possibility of amazing happiness. Much better than knowing that you are acting for the world when inside you are sad, lonely and wishing for tenderness. Thanks for this article…..it inspired me yet again.
this inspires me. thank you
Hi Kris, Perfect timing as usual with this post. I have recently decided that I want to end my marriage of 14 years. I am taking my time detangling our lives and it feels good and scary simultaneously. We haven’t been happy for a long time so I am hoping that this move is the right one. My only worry is the effect it will have on my two early teenage kids. Whenever I read advice about ending toxic relationships recently they never mention kids! My hope is that if I am calm and loving through the process it will keep damage to them to a minimum and we can all move forward in a more positive way. Thanks for being an inspiration, keep up the awesome job you are doing! Luv Lee
I want you to know I was a child who lived in a house where they stayed together for the kids. It is a better teaching to show children when things aren’t working…..you make changes and find something that does work. There is a lot of silent guilt when you know you are the reason the two people who brought you in to the world are miserable.
It’s never easy and when you add kids to the split it’s heart-wrenchingly difficult. I left my 1st marriage of 26 years. My son was 6 1/2 years old. Although there wasn’t a lot of fighting, my son told me two weeks after I filed for divorce, “I miss daddy living here but it’s so much calmer since he’s been gone.” Kids absorb the tension between their mom and dad. It keeps them in a perpetual state of unrest . . . I know, it’s how I lived my entire childhood.
There is still a stigma about kids of divorce Marcia but if you look at reality, the criticism typically comes from either from strict religious beliefs or people who themselves are afraid to leave their unhappy marriages.
In the end I left abruptly because of domestic violence. It was a horrendous, drawn-out divorce. It sounds like you’re doing things in an even-handed way Marcia. If you haven’t left yet I would not dally as it’s tougher on the kids playing the waiting game. All kids want to know is that they are going to be OK. If you’re strong and grounded they will feel taken care of. Make sure you take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Counseling with a good MFT is the best advice I could give. Don’t burden family and friends with the drama and upset as it will keep you in that place far too long. You’ll be OK and your kids will too. My son is now 17 years-old and he’s great. He lives with his dad and now understands why I left the marriage. Kids are far more resilient than we give them credit for being. Love your kids, stay grounded, get into counseling, get your kids therapy too so they have a safe outlet (schools provide free counseling), make sure you all laugh and play together, and keep a close eye on the kids. Remember to breathe through the stressful times and appreciate the good ones. Be strong and stay compassionate.
Thank you Darris.
Omg. Currently going through this with my ex wife. I haven’t seen my kids in over two months. It made me cry. She lied about domestic abuse and the only person who questioned the story. Was the judge. Everyone else laughed and said I must be like the hulk. The judge looked at me and said he believed in me. And that he thought I could pull it off. After 15 years. I thought I knew the woman I loved and married. Was I wrong. Turned out I had no clue who she was. And she got a no contact restraining order. Took what she wanted from home. Left me with a pile of memories outside of the home I worked so hard for. We ended up loosing the house. She had moved out. Still she got the house. Only used it to get me arrested. Never used it to sleep or just to hang out. 11 years we’ve lived together. And she managed to leave with everything she wanted and without giving explanation about anything.
But there needs to be something said about learning to communicate and work things out, with the efforts made by both parties. If this is not possible at the moment than something needs to be said about examining one’s self and their role in the state of things. We are always to be quick to blame and point out the splinter in someone else’s eye and completely ignore the telephone in our own.
Marcia, I spent the last few years of my toxic marriage staying in it only for the kids. I had been taught that that was the noble and right thing to do, it’s what my parents did. I can tell you that after that scary first year of unraveling and re-defining, we are all happier people. My kids have a better relationship with both their father and I than they ever did during the marriage. Being true to yourself is always the answer. Looking back, I am so proud that I was able to model idea that for my children, they will need all their lives.
Blessings and courage to you!
Amen
This is how i am feeling – everything I read about narcissists (i am married to one), and about toxic relationships seems to overlook how hard it is to let go when you have kids (and the no-contact rule can’t apply)! I think the impact of my marriage on my kids is negative overall. But somehow I am really struggling to let go. It’s like an addiction that I need to get over. And when I read stuff like this (thanks Kris!) I think it is time for me to acknowledge that MY authentic self and my feelings matter. But it’s really hard for me to maintain that belief when I’m in the toxic soup… Every time I pull back from him (and he ignores I’ve tried to end the relationship), I fall apart. Reading this kind of thing might help me do it… Fingers crossed and all the best to you all!!
Hi Faye, from what I have experienced and also learned from reading up on narcissism, it is particularly difficult to deal with the mixed emotions. You truly do feel like you are overcoming an addiction, because of the expert mind-game skills that comes from narcissistic behavior. You are emotionally addicted and spiritually bankrupt, from the overdose of madness that comes from this particular type of relationship. But it can be done. If you need support, I would definitely seek out a support system. One benefit from coming through on the other end, of a relationship like this, is that your spirit is listening–and after you make it through, you shine brighter than ever!
Lee, I would like to commend you for the courage in what you are doing, as I know it is a difficult situation. I agree with Faye…you are showing your children compassionate life skills in knowing how to move through difficult situations. The worst thing would be to stay, and for everyone to remain unhappy, which also sends the message to the kids that this behavior is normal, which it isn’t. The sensitivity in which you are approaching and dealing with this situation will help equip your children with valuable life skills in the future. This will be a process that will continue on between all of you. I send you and your family blessings!
Healing takes time. Emotional, spiritual growth. First you need to get the negative people out of my life. Take the lead and carry on without me.
Read my reply to ‘Marcia’ Faye. Don’t stay too long . . . I did and it ended VERY badly. Everyday you stay makes it more difficult to leave. And you think it’s difficult for you? It’s twice as hard on the kids. The day I filed for a DVTRO (Domestic Violence Restraining Order) was the most frightening and most liberating day of my life. After 26 years I felt free. It wasn’t easy. It’s been 10 years and we can now speak civilly to one another (we communicated through a journal for years because he was so verbally abusive and angry).
If you’re not seeing a therapist get to one ASAP. Interview them to make sure it’s a good fit. I went through several before I found someone that really had me do the work.
Staying in a bad marriage is harming your kids. It’s not fair to your kids, you or your husband. It’s been 10 years and I would never change a thing. I am now remarried (at 58 years-old) to a wonderful, loving husband. My son is 17 years-old and doing well in life. You need to get grounded, get strong, be compassionate and move forward. You can do this. You’ll be OK. Breathe . . .
Are you guys Dr’s. My doctor says run lol shrinks, I do not believe in. I like surport with asolutions . The ones I have met they messed up on their own if they don’t live in a solution my own and opinion from experience from being forced to go as a child
Thank you all so much for your comments it helps so much to know that I’m not the only one dealing with this!! I’ve been in a 27 year marriage with an alcoholic emotional abuser (also am pretty positive he is a narcissist) … been struggling for years with this marriage, constant verbal abuse, having past mistakes thrown in my face every single day, constant negative attitude, it literally drains me just to be around him – I would rather work late every night than go home – its that bad. Nothing that I have ever done is the right thing – he literally finds fault with every single thing I’ve ever done. He goes to the bar every single day – most days, comes home drunk – sleeps on the sofa, and mutters drunk loud bs loud enough for the entire house to hear (and we all have to get up for work) … as does he – I guess you could say he is a “functional alcoholic” … but I feel that there is too much damage done – as he refuses to meet me half way to work out our differences – I’m constantly accused of cheating on him (which I HAVE and AM NOT) – and actually have been accused of that our entire marriage, sporadically. In the last couple of years I’ve lost 75 lbs, gotten back to work full-time and become much more independent again – and he cannot stand it … I think he feels like he is losing control, and sometimes that makes the verbal abuse and name calling, and accusations that much worse. I know I’ve got to get out … we have a 19 and 26 year old sons who have lived with this their entire lives – I feel SO guilty for them having to witness the fighting and abuse. The worst thing is that my husband also verbally abuses our oldest son – because he is a lot like me. Any words of wisdom or what type of therapist I need to find, would be so helpful – I’m just beginning to plan my exit – but it is coming – this year.
Michelle, your situation sounds like what I lived through. But I’ve been divorced 7 years now and my kids are on the mend and we are all doing great. I’m in a fantastic relationship and my kids see how it was and don’t blame me. It took over 2 years to finally get the divorce from my ex because he was so crazy and also had health problems and needed my insurance. But I could not have done it without our family therapist. Each person in the family went to see her individually, and monthly as a family = with my son seeing her weekly (for his ADHD – but then for his self esteem issues), my ex seeing her weekly because he was always trying to blame his problems on everyone else, and I saw her every other week because I was going broke from all the therapy sessions and couldn’t pay for more. But I tell you, I recommend that anyone trying to get away from a toxic relationship enlist the help of a professional (who will most likely give you reduced rates because they want to help you.) I was married 20 years to this dude who at first was my soul mate. Frankly, he may still be my soul mate, but that doesn’t mean you have to marry the person if you have a dysfunctional relationship with them. Marry the person you get along best with that you love very much. That is my advice to my children. You can love several people, but you should not marry all the people you love.
Oh, and of course, I kicked myself for not having gotten out while the children were younger and I was younger and had more opportunities to remarry. Doesn’t matter how long you wait, you will always be older and it will still be difficult to do. Put one foot in front of the other and take the steps to get out. Get a good therapist who sees the problems and support your own gut feelings. My ex and I did weekly therapy for 2 years at year 15 and he still blamed me for everything, would never take any responsibility for his actions, could not get a job, and couldn’t keep a job when he managed to get one, drank us out of house and home (literally, we lost our home and declared bankruptcy while I worked two jobs.) Then when he started telling me that he married BENEATH him. . . oh really? REALLY? So long. I’m exhausted from you. I need an operation for a tumor in my uterus and you won’t get the kids to school for me to be able to take off work to have this procedure, and you want sex??? Oh no, no, no. This is a complete nightmare and I’m getting out.
I’m telling you. Get a good therapist. And then get a good lawyer. It’s worth the money. People will help you help yourself.
Hi Faye, just reading your post, I wish to direct you to a name to google. Melanie Tonia Evans . I think it will help x
Thank you SO much for this name. So many questions answered, can’t believe this…
Hi Faye,
When I hear about people getting divorced, like it’s no big deal, I used to be floored. For me to make the decision that my happiness, my opinions, my needs were actually significant was a VERY terrifying process to go through. It took me a year of intense therapy to understand that I didn’t have to sacrifice myself for my marriage. The entire process was still terrifying, but once I realized that it was the best thing for everyone involved, I pushed past all my fears and did what I needed to do. Your husband won’t consciously understand why you are doing this, but his heart and soul will know. You can’t give to your children or anyone, including yourself or your husband from the state you’re in. You have incredible gifts to give that you will only be able to share if you’re taking good care of yourself and you’re not doing anyone any favors by enabling abusive behaviors to proliferate.
I am still growing, of course, but am SO much happier now, have a wonderful life and my kids have a relationship with their Dad they didn’t have before.
You could try a GOOD therapist that will empower you to grow, not one that will let you sit in your muck. Jon Gabriel promotes cellular release therapy: http://www.thegabrielmethod.com/emotional-release-therapy-2, and Psyche K is a great transformational method, too. There are many others that will present themselves to you if you ask the universe for help.
Many prayers, love and peace! You know what you need to do. Just listen to your body and your heart.
Anne
Hi Fay
Just came across this website and I have to say that I was always wondering how to put it in worlds what I am going through adn you just did. I hope 8 months on, things are looking better. So much harder when you have children.
i feel exactly the same….im so afraid of the change…how do i live? without him? without my regular days…support myself…im so confused…i dont know what to do ive lied in ORDER to keep him…i ve admitted to stuff i would never think of doing…now what ?
Lee,
As a woman who got divorced after 23 years of marital unhappiness (a majority of the years we spent together were disconnected, angry, alone), I can tell you that divorcing my husband wasn’t simple, but it changed my life and the lives of my kids for the better. Like some of the other women commenting here, I also grew up in a family that was highly dysfunctional. My parents finally divorced when we were all out of the house. I was 28. They didn’t do us any favor by staying together.
With my kids, who were 13, 16 and 19 at the time of the divorce, we had a continuing conversation over many years. Within an hour of telling them that we were divorcing, my oldest, who was 16, told me that she understood. She knew how unhappy I was. Through her tears, she sobbed, “I get why you can’t be with dad. I’m just being selfish right now, because it’s hard for me.” I knew they’d be okay if I kept an open dialogue with them, willing to hear them and all they were going through. We are very close, and they have good relationship skills. They know how to form healthy, dignified relationships. That’s the most important thing to me.
Best of luck to you. Kids are resilient. Be there for them, and I think everything will be okay in the end.
Sandy
All of the postings on ending toxic marriage is very timely for me as I’m currently been debating with myself whether I should go ahead and file for divorce after contemplating for the last three months since separation. I caved in several times to my husband… mostly about power and manipulation. To come back or to end the marriage. To him to come back is to do my duty as a wife by having sex with him. He doesn’t want to wait and give me the time and space I need to decide what to do. It will be 14 years of an unhappy marriage next month and the kids are the only reason why I’m stalling. I even had thoughts of staying for another 5 more years for them until they reach 16 and 13 years old. Now I’m thinking what good would it do to them if they are to know the pain I’m in and to live in that pain for several more years.
Relationships are not so complicated unless we make it out to be and right now it’s the confusion and guilt that make me stuck and going in circles. I hope to get out of the spirals and be free but it’s not linear. I have to go back a few times unsuccessfully and tumble a few more times before I untangle myself. It’s a mess and the only torture is the one I’m giving myself with all the confusion running through my head. It’s nice to know that some are going through the same thing and to have support. Right now none of the people in my life are going through this, so it’s good to see what others are doing in similar circumstances. I learned from reading about what others are going through and agreed with the shared point of views. Yet when it comes to my situation, it seems like I’m in turmoil. I have to get out of my own head and just keep going knowing that it’s ok to fall back but I’m moving forward somehow and having the victory in the end….to be whole and free.
Hi Lee,
I, too was a child whose parents stayed together for me and my sister. It didn’t help us. We both knew they were miserable together, and now I don’t have much trust of relationships. I have always wished my mom would have left my philandering father years earlier instead of staying out of fear. You sound very grounded and prepared to handle anything that happens. Show your kids what real self care is and they will be fine.
My 17 year marriage has also ended (I have a 12 year old) and I wanted to recommend the virtual course, “Conscious Uncoupling” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. I can’t recommend this highly enough!! She is a marriage and family therapist, wise woman and has been there (with kids). I have had a wonderful therapist for the past 3 years and this program has been incredible. There are segments that deal specifically with divorce and children. This program teaches how to truly heal and move through a breakup and beyond consciously, lovingly and learn how to manage and heal the “big” emotions of anger, pain, sadness, grief, and the core fracture at the root of our pain. This program is beautiful, profound, healing. I have found it immensely helpful. Google it….there is a youtube clip as well. 🙂
What if the person that is being labeled as toxic is act not and he has been mental abused and made look like a narcissist but The people who really know him know this is untrue but no one will speak up because it’s all coming up he was told things to make him believe this girl was no good and coincidences didn’t add up when is the innocent one that literally loves her and has been through hell and friends of 20 years I made still to this day try make him believe To be her she’s no good Marie why is this so
Dear Lee,
Thank you for your courage to share with us your thoughts and feelings. My parents, specially my mother was the one who decided to stay. Even though it was really hard for her to handle the atmosphere of living with my father. My childhood living with their constant discussions and bad humor made me feel so insecure and miserable. I said even at the age of 4 “I prefer to live with my grandparents because they don’t shout”. I always thought they would be happier if they got divorced. But they didn’t because of their “children”. As a child (you are truly emotion) I though all their fights were for my fault, I always thought it was something wrong with me and sometimes I still have this feeling in my adult life. My parents didn’t split up and they are still together. It’s such an insane marriage and I still have the same feeling that they would be better apart. That’s why I really appreciate your courage and I think the best lesson you could teach to your children is through your example. If you feel free, take care of yourself and do not prioritize others before you. I think it’s the best present you could ever give to them. A mum who knows their strengths and flows and is able to live the life she always wanted to live. This is the way I would like my mum to feel. Best wishes for your new life warrior XXX
I literally broke up with my boyfriend Saturday night and the the chronic stiff neck that I had for nearly 2 years, for which I went for weekly acupuncture and massage for, DISSOLVED within an hour and a half of the breakup. As sad as I am (we met under fairy tale-like circumstances and I believed (hoped?) he was the one), I am relieved beyond measure.
Thanks Kris for a timely and well written (and insightful) post~
Blessings to you!
B
Isn’t it amazing how our body knows what is toxic for us?!
The body definitely knows. As sad as I was after a 7 year relationship and crazy breakup, my anxiety went away and I never once lost sleep. There was even a time he came back around 2 years later and I felt a huge knot in my neck. Insane…
Hello I have been in this relationship for eight long years now it’s so toxic I’ve tried removing myself I’ve tried rehab and things are still the same still doing drugs and can’t get away from the control that is over me she’s always competitive and jealous I want out of this relationship and she knows that I want out of this relationship but she’s doing everything in her possible way to keep me here I am at my Wit’s End I don’t know what to do and how to get out can someone please help me I need someone that supportive of this and this not judgemental my family and friends they’re not going to be there for me honestly I really don’t have much friends but the friends I do have used drugs and I want that out of my life to my family has heard it all so many times I owe you will just go back as what they’ll tell me please I live in Shreveport I really need this help in the support so I can remove myself from this relationship she doesn’t even care that I’m unhappy she doesn’t care that she’s unhappy she just wants control and anything that I have
Whatever you do, get out of the relationship if your gut, heart and mind (your intution) feels there is something not right. The longer you are in the relationship, the longer it will take you to recover. Speaking from experience I waited two and a half years while my wife was with a ten year friend (now X Friend) of mine. She told me I was a liar and blind when I told her I watched her get out of his Cady SUV and get into the Camry I got for her. Google the “cheating gene” and it will give you the info you want.
Sounds like she was gas lighting you. My soon to be ex-husband does it to me all the time. One would think that facing a 24 year failed marriage would prompt honesty. Not so… sigh.
Hi Nina. I can relate although my circumstances are totally different. My romantic partner if you can call it that is a man. I do not really have family support either. I never imagined that I would get into an abusive or controlling relationship as I was always so strong and independent. I do not take drugs I do not drink And I do not smoke. I will be 65 years old next week believe it or not. Well when I was 49, I lost part of my vision in a cataract surgery and I became legally blind after raising a daughter by myself and working as a real estate agent and paralegal. When I was 60 years old, I signed up to take classes at a place for blind and visually impaired people. I do have some vision but it is very blurry and I am considered legally blind. I made so many friends at this place and then one day in the cafeteria at breakfast time I met this man and we developed a friendship and then started meeting for lunch in the cafeteria once a week. I was not looking to meet anybody or to have any relationship. It just happened. After six months he invited me to get together for Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve and he came and stayed here and he was very respectful and did not try anything. He is also legally blind with VisionpSungla that is a little better than mine. He does not drive of course. So he use that as an excuse to stay overnight on New Year’s Eve and again, he did not try anything so I thought he was being respectful. I thought it was a one time thing and that if we got into a relationship maybe he would stay here once in a while. But he gradually started coming and that was five years ago and he basically moved himself in here even though he has his own apartment. I receive more money than he does and I end up paying all the bills here While he pays for this other apartment and is here five days out of every week. It is a small one bedroom apartment but it is much nicer and newer than his apartment and I feel like he knew that maybe I had some money and lived in a more comfortable place and that he pretended to be interested so he could move himself in here. Now my dog has gotten used to him being here and she barks all the time when he Goes back to his apartment for two days every week. I adopted my dog as a puppy and she loves me very much and she never did this I know she still loves me but whenever he leaves for two days I think she is protecting me and just barks all day and all night. This man has disrupted my whole life and has moved into my home and it is very crowded and I have no privacy and there is no intimacy at all we sleep on the couch . It is basically like having a non-paying roommate. Gradually after he started coming here and started coming more often without my consent, he started acting condescending to me and ignoring me and having very poor hygiene like not taking showers or baths and putting on sweaty clothes that he has worn for a day or two and also passing gas and burping in front of me all kinds of offensive behaviors and also interrupting me And ignoring me or not answering when I say something. He has interrupted me in front of other people as well. Sometimes he talks to me like he is my father and because his vision is a little bit better than mine he acts like I am not all there. This is my home and I am paying all the bills here. I am just so in Barris Nina because everybody knows we got together at this place and I am so embarrassed to break off the relationship for social reasons and embarrassment. Just like your partner, this man does not care that I am not happy and if I ever try to talk to him about things he immediately shuts down and becomes combative and tells me that I am just imagining things or that I am to blame and he turns everything around. Like I said I was never in any abusive relationship before. I don’t understand how I got into this relationship and I don’t know how to get out. Like I said if I try to talk to him he becomes combative and blames me for everything Orr says I am imagining things. I have tried to say a few times maybe you should not come as often and I’ve even use the excuse that my little dog needs to get used to just being with me again but he pretends he does not hear me and just changes the subject. I do not know how to get him not to come as often or not to come at all. Every week when I order groceries let’s say I spend 80 or $90 and if I dare to ask him even for five or $10 because I know he gets less money than I do he acts combative and says he has no money. I have told him many times I am not your mother and where do you get the idea that I am supposed to support you? But he just brushes it aside. He has a lot of his things here so it is a very awkward Situation. I really do not have family support. My daughter lives in another city and so does my brother and my step mother is elderly with Parkinson’s and I don’t want to upset her. I really don’t have any support network to help me with this. Do you have any advice or suggestions?
Change the door locks. Don’t give him a new key. It is not his place, it is yours. Take it back
Great tip, Ann, and while Victoria’s at it (changing the lock and putting his stuff outside), she can call the police and get him thrown out for trespassing as well as put under a restraint order.
Ditto Ann. Put his things in a box outside your front door. Leave for a few days if you feel threatened. If you continue to make up excuses he will just argue & gaslight you. Just claim your power & your desire not to be in a relationship with him anymore. No explanation needed–it’s what you want! Blessings & good luck!
Kick the POS user out and dont for one second feel bad for him!…Call the police if you feel threatened by him. Your not alone, you have a support system right here.
Hi Nina –
Your goals are good ones. Get out of the relationship and walk away from the drugs. I’m not familiar with your area of the country but I imagine if you googled resources to help get off of both the drugs and out of the relationship you will find many resources. If you have a healthcare plan maybe start by calling them. I know there is help out there if you seek it. Be strong and have confidence to do what you feel in your gut is the right answer. It may not be easy, but I believe in you and your resilience. You can do this. Sending prayers and hugs to you.
You have not because you asked not. You should trust and believe in God. Have some Faith, and ask him to heal your mind and take those drugs away. Just continue to Pray.
Don’t tolerate this abusive controller manipulator,do as the others have suggested change the locks,get a restraining order play hard ball safely,you don’t really know this gross intruding manipulator God Bless just have all your bases covered for your own well being mental health and above all personal SAFETY
I can relate to your pain, disbelief, frustration, anger and heartbreak. I too have been in an 8+relationship with a narcissist./psychopath. The crazy making that a person can create along with smoke and mirrors is in itself CRAZY. I have felt every emotion along the way. I do not know why i give my bf/ex- bf the time of day. He has hurt me in every possible way using my insecurities and integrity against me. In the beginning he treated me like a queen. Believed in me , complimented me, protected me and in time he gained my trust and devotion. Somehow its those things that keep me stuck and going back. Its those things that i think are the “real” him and im just sure he will “come around” and want me again. Its a hell like no other A roller coaster ride i want to stop riding. And can for about 6 months and find myself missing him. What i miss is the fake version of him that will never be. I wish i could tell you I found a way out for good and give you the “recipe”. to get out. But what i can tell you ja that when you get so tired of feeling so ripped apart and have had enough you will find the strength to walk away and not look back For me i have to quit him cold turkey like a drug. You are stronger than you realize and DESERVE so MUCH better
Your situation sounds identical to the situation I’m currently in. 11 years on and off again relationship. I inow I need to walk away for good.
My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years and I just broke up. It’s a lot of feelings, but relief is in there. There was a lot of breaking up and making up on both sides of the aisle in our affair. I believe we were really in love but it became painfully toxic since about 7 1/2 months ago when he broke up for no apparent reason and I think left me feeling a little too casual in the relationship. Of course we made up, but you know what? God (and I’m not kidding about this) took me out of his world to have a much needed surgery. Just as I recovered enough to see him 5 weeks later, God (seriously) took him far away out of my world to a new job in Florida. We saw each other only 3 times from September to february and he finally broke it off for lack of seeing each other. It hurts—a lot. But the back and forth is over, I’m learning a lot, and I’ll be ok. I’m trying really hard not to pathologize my affair partner, though I could. Instead I’m trying to be honest about both our participation in our toxic affair, which I will never do again. It’s just not worth it. What really helped me was 2 particular exercises. I got out my calendars for 2019-20 and listed our breakups and makeups. It helped me to see where the end really began for me. Then I’ve revisited places that were once special to us to say goodbye to them, as I don’t think I’ll be going back. I’ve cried, remembered with fondness, said goodbye, left. You know, I feel better—relieved, happier than I have since we broke up nearly three weeks ago, and am beginning to make sense of everything I put myself and each other ( if I’m honest). The honesty feels good. Honesty for the responsibility of both people. Just my thoughts.
Ouch! I felt this. This experience is so difficult and makes us feel immobile. I really hope you are ok and I hope you continue healing and never look back. It’s exactly what you said. We are in love with the version of them that is not and has never been them.
Im in the exact same situation. Maybe we can help eachother nina. Idk when you answered on this post i forgot to check but if you got away already will you help me
Hey Liana, this is Jennifer from Team Crazy Sexy. I just wanted to reach out and offer some support. One thing we recommend to anyone who is in a situation like yours is to get some professional help. It’s so hard to see things as they are when you’re neck-deep in a bad situation. Getting help from a therapist (here’s a great list of therapists at Psychology Today), a religious professional, or even the police are all wonderful resources. Please stay safe and put your beautiful self first. You’re worth it, and we believe that 100%. The whole team is rooting for you, Liana. Xo!
My fiancee broke off the engagement 3 weeks ago, the realtionship has been toxic for a while, super highs and mega lows, over all really good, but i have been in a deep depression for the last year, im finally almost out of it now, my fiancee couldnt take it anymore after i have had some really crazy wild out bursts and eneded it, he clearly still loves me but says he feels different about me and knows its over for good. Dont get me wrong im not entirely to blame for it being toxic, he has done some awful betrayals over the past 4 years that took me too long to get over. But the ultimate demise was my doing, he really did look after me and gave me the world, as i said high highs, mega lows. Now im filled with loads of regrets, remorse, what ifs. Im scared, im lonely, i really dont know how i can get over this. Any help or words of encouragement would be great
Hi Becky, it’s good to hear you are coming out of a depression. We highly recommend you find a therapist to help you with your next steps so that you are able to have beautiful and healthy relationships that you deserve. You are worth it!
Yes, how much we can learn from this signal!
We actually met…i went to drop his clothes off….it started off ok, although i there wasnt much to talk a bout, then he said he was going to bed…i asked to stay, he said no, and a big argument ensued which ended in me storming out/him telling me to leave, it was a disaster, i feel embarrassed i was so pathetic, im in the begging/bargaining stage maybe….but as soon as i got home o realised how silly I had been to ask to stay, i have now initiated the no contact rule! The thing im really struggling with is all the memories of the amazing times we had, they keep creeping in which then gives me anxiety, any tips on managing these thoughts. I try to think of all the bad times but they dont creep in as much as the good times
Amazing how our body has a way of telling us how toxic stress is literally eating away at us. Sounds similar to my story Barbara. I learned to use my back and neck as my barometer. They literally tell me if the rhythm and relationship of my life is/is not serving me. Learning to listen to your body is an amazing tool that can be transformational!
i agree that our body’s can indeed tell us whats up and I feel Yoga helps us to bring awareness to these subtle energies that help us to recognise these areas, as it did for me the more and more aware I became of my responses to this toxic relationship I would notice that i felt I always had to have everything done before he got back from work or i noticed that i would always be feeling anxious when he would come near me when i was on a device computer or phone because it wasn’t about being near me but about seeing what i was up to as if i wasn’t to be trusted due to his own reflective trust issues…and anxious to be myself, and as i sit here writing this knowing that it has ended as gut retching as it is as I know that in these very moments he is poisoning our children with stories from his dysfunctional perspective I can only pray that they can one day know the truth and are able to release the dysfunction that would have surely been transfused : (
I can’t believe how much your post sounds just like what I deal with. We’ve been married for 20 years and just like Barbara posted about the stuff neck, I have dealt with that off and on for years. The doctor says is related to a tension headache. Well, for the last few weeks.my husband and I have been going through yet another down in our relationship. He’s always been controlling and can’t stand when I want to do something that doesn’t involve him but he can go off hunting and on work trips whenever he wants. I actually love when he’s gone because we don’t have to walk around on eggs shells and wonder what kind of mood he will be in. And just like Steyne, I have always found myself feeling the need to have all the chores around the house done before he gets home, mainly during the summer since I’m a teacher and off and feel like I can’t let him have a chance to say I’m lazy. It affects our kids too, we have 2 boys ( 15yr old and 8 yr old) and a 3 year old little girl. I find myself telling them they need to do whatever chore they need to because daddy will be off at whatever time. Whenever I’m in my phone, he asks what I’m doing. He has always thought I was “up to something “. I’ve never cheated on anybody in my life, haven’t ever given him a reason to not trust me bust because of past relationships he doesn’t trust people. It’s been 20 years, together for 22 years. And he still doesn’t trust me? He has narcissist tendencies. I tried to leave him about 6-7 years ago but he begged be not to and said he would do better and change. That lasted a few months. I’m tired of being depressed, unhappy, stressed. I’m a happy person, I love life, God has blessed me with so much. But when I’m around my husband I feel the life being sucked out of me. I want to leave but I’m afraid of the reaction and I don’t want him to beg me to stay or sadly plea with me to stay and I’m afraid he will use the kids against me even though he knows I’m their primary caretaker and he’s never had to take care of them without help.from me or his mom. My parents know what I’m going through, I think his mom knows how he’s been to me. I keep praying that God will provide me with the right way to get out of this even though I know divorce is frowned upon in church, I know this isn’t what God would want for me and my kids. My husband isn’t violent, he’s never hit me or the kids but he is very manipulative and puts me through so much mental and emotional abuse. I just want to live a happy life with just me and my kids. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. This is the first time I’ve talked about this to others.
God wants you happy he doesn’t care if you get a divorce. Leave … you aren’t doing your kids a favor if you’re not happy. You will heal and find love again. God is with you and doesn’t judge you… now move on.
Good for you! I broke up with mine 2 Saturdays ago. Then I blamed myself for not leaving sooner and I promptly made myself sick and somehow manifested expensive computer problems. But I recognize that now and am giving myself permission to heal fully.
We got back together last year under fairy tale-like circumstances too… but he broke his promises as if it were no big deal at all and as if it shouldn’t bother me. When he broke another one 2 Saturdays ago, I called it quits, no questions, no regrets. But it’s still so hard.
I’m proud of you and me and everyone else who leaves toxic relationships.
I understand what you said, its never easy but if you see it from the outside, no one deserves to live like that! Hugs for you..
You know… when I read this, I started to think about how much easier it is to breakup with someone who is not blood. I kept thinking: “Oh, that’s easy! The hard part is with blood family.”
But it wasn’t until I read about Barbara’s stiff neck that I realized how much physical toxicity my body is under when it comes to both blood and non-blood relations. My body is sick for days after speaking to some people and I realize that I lack taking care of myself and just go into “survive” mode.
Now I will start listening to my body as it’s the original “toxic meter”. That’s just brilliant! Thank you… to both Kris and Barbara! 🙂
Family is the easiest to let go of, as after 44 years of experience with dysfunction
But with family I feel there is more external pressure to make it work, no matter the cost… If you cut ties with your family people assume you must be quite dysfunctional/weird/odd. Plus, family are supposed to be the ones who are there for you always, the stability when other relationships might be failing. So if you don’t have that, you really are totally alone…?
Just some thoughts I’m struggling with atm. Some words of advice would be much appreciated <3
I agree, Charlotte! My relationship with my mother is toxic, but she has a lot of health problems and needs me to run her to the doctor etc. If I end this relationship, then I am the cold and heartless one ignoring my familial obligations. We moved away from home when I was just out of college (my parents and I) but my sister stayed and so lives hundreds of miles away. So there is no one else here to help her out. Her church friends used to assist some but I think she asked way too much of them and none of them are ever available anymore. I would love to end this relationship but would feel like I’m abandoning her and my dad. He gets the brunt of her issues (narcissism, manipulation, prescription drug addiction/hallucinations); how can I leave him to deal with the situation all alone? He is a good man…
Let her use Uber. Take breaks from her. Being 1 out of 5 siblings, I was the only one who cared for my mother in my home for her last six months of life. I suffered guilt when I put her in a home for her last week. I could not be with her as she would get physically combative if she didn’t get her way. She was too obese for me to help her when she fell. After she passed, my ovarian cancer came back.
Unfortunately Uber isn’t an option out in the country where we live, but I do work on my boundaries daily with her. I’m sorry you went through that…it had to be terribly difficult. My hope is that in living through this with our mothers that we are more sensitive and self aware humans. The last thing I want to do is become a burden to my children. Sends lots of love and light your way!
I also have a toxic mother, and she has become more so in the 9 years since my dad died. She is the worst version of herself. At the end of the day, I have to do what I can most comfortably live with, which is to stay involved. That being said, I set better and better boundaries, mostly around when and how much I interact with her. I don’t always answer the phone or respond to emails. And I do a ton of personal work – journaling, tapping, meditation, shamanic practices. It never feels like it’s quite enough because interactions sometimes throw me right back into a deep hole. We do have choice, and there are lots of self care practices that must become priority in order for us to survive and eventually thrive despite the horrible, toxic, abusive behaviors we endure in their presence. Today I am recovering from an awful day with her yesterday, but tomorrow I will be better, this toxic hangover will move on and I will rebound. So will you.
I agree. I have taken a similar path. I eat clean, practice daily yoga and meditation, and engage in gratitude journaling. I do have a lot to be grateful for and I hope that in making good choices for myself that I can avoid her path and forge my own way. I think the boundaries you mention are key as well. I require at least 48 hours notice for doctor appointments except true emergencies, won’t loan her any more money, and won’t sacrifice my Friday time with my granddaughter for her drama. It is a constant battle though, as you well know. I can meditate on forgiveness and be in an okay place with her until she says something or makes a demand and I too spiral back down. I just have to focus on the journey & the coming rebound. Wise words, Kate. Thank you!
I met my partner under fairy tale circumstances too. Thought he was the one. I ended it a couple weeks ago. I’m ready or some me nourishment time!
I don’t know how old this post is but today is the day I have had enough. I have been mentally and emotionally abused, made to feel and think as though it’s my fault, I’m a crazy person and I’m to blame. The fighting has gone on for so long. I have constant knots in my back, my forehead has wrinkled tremendously in one years time and I’ve pulled out half my eyebrow…..yes….pulled out half of an eyebrow. It’s hideous. When I first started hanging out with this guy I wasn’t looking to date. He was such a swooner, took things so far so fast..told me he was in love within 3 weeks and we were living together by two months. How silly of me to think it was all real. I soon saw his true side. I am emotionally tormented everyday. Falling for false promises over and over. Ignored when I try to have a real conversation. My thoughts, opinions, interests and desires do not matter. It’s always been about him and what he wants. Since we’ve been together I have abandoned some hobbies b/c he thinks they’re stupid. Yesterday I was completely set up to look like a fool…..and why? Because I cared about him? Because I was practically his free maid and housekeeper? Why does he hate me so bad? I used to ACTUALLY think there was SOMETHING I could to get the love I knew I deserved and needed…..why did I have so little respect for myself for so long? Because I’m 30 and afraid to be single? Afraid if we break up, there goes my shot at marriage? To this guy? Being single can’t be worse than what I’ve been putting up with. I am done with this mental abuser.
Oh my gosh Lynda… I felt like I was reading my own words. Thank you for sharing your story – I find solace in knowing that my story is not unique. May we both continue on a forward going trajectory. Nothing but peace, personal sanity and prosperity ahead for us m’dear!…
WOW yes Maria I feel likeI’m reading my own words too and its just so sad that they are usually coming from a wounded place,, but no excuses we all need to take responsibility for our own lives and who and what goes in and i agree only peace from now : )
They definitely are coming from a wounded place but as adults it is crucial they and we take responsibility for our own health and healing of unresolved issues. I am at a turning point right now, today. At the end of my rope. Needing change one way or another or I will shrivel up and die. That is how I found this posting. I am searching for support and validation. I am with a narcissist with borderline personality issues. He swears he will work on things but has made those promises for two years. What is hard is I have seen a drastic change in his behavior over the course of our relationship for the good. But there are some things he continues and has asked me to point out when he does them. But when I do he gets worse. Once we are separated for a time, sometimes minutes, sometimes hours or days, he apologizes. Its making me crazy and I need at the very least, a break from him to decide what is best for me. It isnt fair to either of us if we aren’t happy. Here is a link to what I read recently that explained not just my relationship with my SO but with 95% of the males in my life up until now. Peace and blessings to you all for healing. http://gettinbetter.com/fiftyways.html
Thank you for this link.
I am a 24 year old male in similar circumstances. We’ve been together for 5 1/2 years and we’re blessed with a beautiful little girl 2 years ago. At first we were great together, then I started feeling smothered. Next came the fights. Then we had our daughter and it was like I fell in love for the first time. Nights were little rough with the little one waking up and me having to go to work early in the morning workin ten hour days on a jobsite an hour and 15 minutes away. So I would get home sometimes about 7 o’clock at night and would barely get one boot off before having our crying daughter being handed to me. But our sex life almost increased during this time for about a year then almost all together stopped. As her feelings began to fade, mine basically started increasing even more. So I would try to do more and help more but eventually started getting accused of only thinking about one sex. So I backed off which eventually led to rarely sleeping in the same bed and not even kissing each other. I started getting suspicions and started snooping through her phone to find convos with guys. When I brought it up, I was scolded for going through her phone and for assuming things. But the distance between us grew bigger and I started finding her convos were starting to get more than frindley. But somehow it was always turned around on me and there I was being pulled back again into a relationship with hopes of it changing only to be left with disappointment again and again. I still love her so much and want to make it work mainly because i don’t want my little girl growing up with separated parents like I did. I feel guilty and miserable when I try to end it and leave, and I’m miserable when I’m there. The thought of life without my girls in it makes me sick to my stomach. But almost my whole relationship personality has changed so much, I don’t even feel like me anymore. I’ve even contemplated ending it all but have been straightened back out as my daughter gets older and our bond grows more and more every day I’m with her. With how long it has taken me to build that relationship with my little girl, My biggest fear is how fast it may be lost as the days increase that I go without seeing her.
i was in a relationship with this guy that i thought i loved but then slowly i came to realize that i just felt sorry for him it was hard for me to leave him and i think its because we had two little ones we have gone through alot he was a drug user and i was the only one working after loosing apartment cars and jobs i just kept thinking giving it another shot but i was just sad to put my little ones through this after i finally decided i cant anymore i told him and he just went and tried od in the room and i wanted to leave but i felt like i had to stay because i didnt want to be blamed for being selfish i thought i was in love but i was just trying to help him get out of the drug use and i think of it and now glad im out after almost 7 yrs thanks to my sisters and family my kids and myself are better than ive been in seven years even though i still regret everything i did for that one guy who i thought was the one and he was using and abusing my kindness and love im so greatfull for my family and for having a closer relationship with god because idk what would have happened if i stayed with that man that i thought loved me but was just taking things from me and not let me be myself after supporting him for so long i got fed up with him and loosing almost everything im glad that i had the courage to leave and become a better person for my little ones i couldnt be happier didnt put to much details because im embarresed after everything im thankful for having another oppurtunity with my babies
Hi Lynda,
I can empathize with your pain, and thank you to you & everyone for sharing your heartbreak. Breaking up with someone regardless of who that person was you, is a process. I know all the advice given to me during the first year, seemed shallow & oddly didn’t help. I had to grieve the loss first, and learn to love myself first and foremost.
I met my husband at age 33. I had been single a year from a 7 year abusive relationship. Although I wasn’t ready for this man because I hadn’t worked through all the past garbage, He waited for me. To his credit, I kept pushing him away. I had really never had someone that genuinely cared about me before. I was in another extremely abusive relationship before this last one, which took me year’s to leave.
If you don’t take care of you, you will continue to repeat your patterns. My husband is an amazing man, for me. I didn’t get married until I was 43. Take Care of yourself first. It’s painful, it sucks, it’s lonely. But, wouldn’t you rather be alone and feel this way than in a relationship and feel this way? You have taken the 1st step in realizing this because you said it yourself. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. I wish all of you well!
Amy
Hi Amy,
Thank you for your sweet reply. Since I last posted, I gained the strength and courage to move out on my own. It was not fun going from a big, new beautiful home to a small, dumpy apartment but it saved my life. I am so saner now. I am at peace. I no longer wake up angry . I no longer call my mom screaming and crying. My eyebrow has grown back. I can hang out with whoever I want to without being in FEAR – I literally FEARED hanging out with my friends when I was with my ex, I was not “allowed” to interact with anyone but females, and I have guy friends too, which he would all threaten of course. He always had a way of finding out everything, and the punishments would last for weeks. The games, the manipulations, the “dangling of a carrot” as I call it….he had SO MUCH power and control over me. Everything was about power and control for him. I would spend my weekends cooking, cleaning and doing all the chores while he had fun with his friends – ( he never lifted a finger to help with the house chores, even down to cleaning up after his un-house broken dogs) – he would never take me out in public or take me on fun trips. We never did anything together. Only when I had a fun trip planned with girlfriends, he would pout, promise me a BETTER trip if only I stayed home…and we never go. Towards the end of our relationship, I got so tired of it, I would speak out against him, argue and rebuttal….and it just got scarier from there. I could write a book. BUT – the good news is – there was literally no sadness when I left him. There was no post-breakup heartache and eating ice cream on the couch. I felt ALIVE, FREE to BE ME. I am working out again, eating healthy, going fun places with friends and not FEARING for my life b/c of it. Sure, I have lonely nights. I am 31 years old – I am in a stage where of course I wish I had a house of my own, a husband. But I do not spend too much time thinking about it. I’m too busy “doing me”. Life will happen for me as it should. Thank you for reading my story and your kind words. I am happy for you that you too, left an abusive relationship and found happiness. Cheers to us both, and to every woman who has endured what we have.
Yay!!!
Reading this was like listening to myself word for word. It’s been a painful and tormenting last 14 months but know the journey ahead will bring me so much more happiness and soon be at peace.
I love this post Kris. Thank you! It came at the right time. To Lynda, and anyone like her, read the posts on Esteemology.com too.
Run don’t walk!!!
Read “men who hate women and the women who love them” You’ll be out the door fast!
Excellent book.
Your guy sounds like a narcissist. Read up on them and how to heal. Best of luck.
Omg… we had exactly the same experience. Free maid YES!!! I was madly inlove with my ex bf of almost 6 years. It was too late to realized I deserve better. He was such an as**** .
Hellos,
Listening to your stories bring tears and gives me courage to leave the toxic an 8 years plus relationship that I’m currently in. I hasn’t been as easy, but I’m trying my beast to mentally prepare myself to walk away. I’m 32, almost 33 and the idea of being single once again scares me. I’m tired on constantly crying out of frustration and making things worse. We’re trying to work things out, but it’s has turned into a weakly thing, at this point I’m tired of feeling lonely and sad. I need to feel alive and feel wanted once again.
I know how you feel. I’ve been with someone for 5 years and I knew from the beginning that it was trouble. But I soldiered on and fell for her and adore her kids. I’ve learned she is a narcissist and, in her eyes, she does no wrong and I am “cruel and selfish.” I’m usually called that when I try to talk about my feelings and “communicate” with her. I’ve stayed for as long as I have, because she tells me she will have to move and uproot the kids if I leave…and I will destroy them. Let me note..she was out on worker’s comp for years and was released back to work, but says she can’t because she’s still in pain. Funny tho, she can volunteer, bake all the time, and pretty much is always on the go. I do all of the cleaning and I feel like nothing I do is enough. She hasn’t told me she loved me in over 2 years and always throws it back on me, as to why she hasn’t. I’ve also never gotten an apology in 5 years. She truly feels she is never wrong and it’s all me. It’s toxic but I’m having a hard time leaving because of the guilt she inflicts, and because she has torn me down to the point where I have little self esteem. I’m trying to get out of it..but not sure if it’s worth the guilt and emotional beat down I will get.
I know how you feel im stuck in this situation myself right now. Only difference is i have a one year old daughter. No car. And my closest family and friends are 1500 miles away. I feel like I have to apologize for everything and im pretty much a maid. I tell him my feelings he will say sorry sometimes but most of the time I get told to quit blubbering.
I can relate to you soo much. I moved to France for him tho. I’m 35 and I feel so lost and alone. I quit my job sold my car and gave away everything. It was a fairy tale at first. Now I feel so lost and alone. He’s hovering over me now gotta go…
My boyfriend of six years left me for another woman. My feet had been so swollen for years that I the I had developed congestive heart failure, but doctors could find nothing wrong. My feet and ankles were enormous and very painful all the time. I stopped wearing skirts, shorts, and sandals because I wanted to hide my feet. I gained a lot of weight and couldn’t lose an ounce no matter what I did. My stomach was so locked up that I had bowel moments only a few times a week. Since he left, my emotions have been a wreck, but ALL of those physical symptoms disappeared instantaneously. My feet and ankles are normal, I’ve been losing weight, and my stomach is functioning normally. I am amazed!
hi nice one here